+1 to ramair and others on same page.
I have avoided posting to forums for a some time because of a legal/custody battle one of my daughters went through (reason is irrelevant). The ex is an abusive sociopath. Unrelated to that but in the category of dealing with traumatic mental illness a SIL was bipolar with psychotic episodes. She liked to drink and during manic periods would go off her meds leading to psychotic depression, abuse, etc. She started as a doctor, pilot, and fun person but once the illness took hold she was erratic and after nearly a decade finally lost her medical license (scary how bad she had to get before it was pulled!) and her final boyfriend and her lived in self-made squalor. Another SIL is bipolar but has the discipline and support of her second husband to stay on her medication and is able to not work and reduce much of stress in her life successfully. Still she goes haywire once in a while, complete with hallucinations. Both SILs regularly saw psychiatrists.
First: DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER NO MATTER WHAT ELSE YOU DECIDE. No kid should be knowingly procreated and raised in a house with an abusive parent, whether mentally ill or just cruel. Kids complicate every other action you will ever ponder. As two adults it is easy to split and not have anything to do with her ever, or only on rational terms. With just one kid, your life will be entwined with her illness and abuse for 16 yrs minimum and likely much longer, and the child will suffer immensely and have tons of issues to sort out most of their lives.
As the others have said, severe mental illness is not something a lay person can deal with, and many professionals struggle decades trying to help such an afflicted person. If there was no abuse and she accepted her illness, then MAYBE with your loving support she could be treated and live a fairly normal though protected life. But when a person is abusive and refuses to acknowledge their condition there is NOTHING you do that will help or improve her condition. This is not a choice for her. It is chemical/biological. Some people so afflicted still can see they need help and accept it and give up much freedom to stay safe and not hurt others. But most I have known (not just family) are not able to have enough rational awareness to see the problem let alone accept help, and instead are unpredictable and a danger to themselves and anyone that gets into their orbit.
This woman is no longer the person you have known in the past. Her chemistry has changed and she has become another person in a way. If her family is not willing to commit her for observation/treatment and she is abusive instead of just confused then you should get the hell out of the relationship. Many of us are raised to be compassionate and sacrifice for others. But that is a full stop and bail when abuse occurs and doubly so when it is driven by severe mental illness. NO PERSON ON THIS PLANET SHOULD STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ABUSIVE PERSON. It leads to nothing good and much pain and problems not just for you, but anyone else close to you. Maybe one in ten million is saintly enough to endure and make something out of it. Most of us are not. You can spend your life in turmoil and probably land up in jail a few more times and have your property trashed and be betrayed at the drop of a hat and become so embroiled in this turmoil that few other friends have the tolerance to be around you. Or, you can step aside, and get involved with another person(s) who appreciate your compassion and sacrifice and will be enriched by it and be an inspiration to others around you. Life is pretty damn short and has enough pain and misery without latching onto an ungrateful, abusive significant other.
It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! ... Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!" - Patrick Henry in an address at St. John’s Church, Richmond, Virginia, on March 23, 1775.
Bookmarks