Parent found guilty for sons murders

[chuckman]

Or more likely engaged in "active listening" and making sure they are "validating feelings."

Actually 'active listening' is the only way to really know what your kid is talking about. It's parents NOT listening that is one of the issues.

[.45fan]

Or more likely engaged in "active listening" and making sure they are "validating feelings."

Agreed

[SteyrAUG]

Actually 'active listening' is the only way to really know what your kid is talking about. It's parents NOT listening that is one of the issues.

Sure...IF a parent is doing that AND parenting. But too many parents simply listen to their kids problems, tell them "it's normal and they are great kids" and then do nothing else. Kids almost never hear that what they are "feeling / thinking" is wrong, parents would rather lets kids express their feelings including all manner of acting out in completely inappropriate ways than take any form of corrective action.

No matter what kind of shit I pulled as a kid, in my mind I had some kind of justification from a sense of self entitlement to just a BS excuse that I thought would present what I did in a better light, my dad listened to it...ran it through his BS meter and then came up with the best way to make me fix whatever I had done. Eventually I figured out that "having to fix it" is a lot more work than the shit I was pulling for whatever reason I was doing it.

[chuckman]

Agreed

So you don't listen to your kids? Yikes...

[.45fan]

So you don't listen to your kids? Yikes...

I listen but don't "validate feelings". If they were wrong they were set straight.

One of our daughters is a veterinarian, the other runs one of our businesses, so whatever my wife and I did must have worked.

I'm overseeing that my 6 year old type 1 diabetic grandson is being brought up the same way by a parent and not a friend.

[SteyrAUG]

So you don't listen to your kids? Yikes...

I think we have a disconnect. I don't think most people who engage in "active listening" actually do it. I think they simply listen to whatever their kids say and then go along with 100% of it and reinforce any and all ideas. That is because to certain kinds of people it's simply the "new" new age / new wisdom ideology which is actually nothing more than a rejection of anything traditional / conventional in favor of anything else.

I would wager good parents engaged in "active listening" before the term was adopted by pop psychology and embraced by progressives in the 90s.

I know I used the term disparagingly, but that is because I was first introduced to it in the 90s via the school board as an alternative parenting method. The context in this case, the school board talking to parents of very "at risk" kids who were already engaging in gang activity, drugs and crime as a solution to their problems by validating what they feel and building their sense of self worth rather than categorizing their behavior as either "good or bad." The idea being that if you simply listen to your kids, they won't feel judged and will be more likely to engage in positive behavior.

[ubet]

Different raising of kids these days.
.

A week or two ago a kid was acting up in a store, so much it was getting on my nerves. I asked the mother if she wanted to borrow belt to take the child to the bathroom, you would gave thought I suggested she murder Jesus Christ by how offended she got.

I wouldn’t take mine to the bathroom either. I’d have tanned their hide in the middle of the aisle in front of good and everyone.

My wife makes cakes as a side gig. Two summers ago she delivered a cake to a wedding at a golf course. The kid and I went with her, and we were sitting by this little stream he was playing in it throwing rocks in it. He threw a rock at me (he was 4) I told him don’t do it again. He picked up a bigger one and tried doing it. I grabbed it out of his hands, quicker than he could blink, his pants were down and he was over my knee with people standing around watching. He screamed bloody murder and I tanned him pretty good.

I stood him up, pulled his pants up sat him on my knee and asked him WHY he got in trouble. He wouldn’t stop crying, so I told him he could stop crying or get spanked again. He stopped the best he could and I asked him again, he blubbered because I was going to throw a rock at you. I told him yes and I told you not to, didn’t I? He said yes, I hugged him and told him I loved him but he needs to listen.

You know what, in 30mths I’ve only spanked him once since that. He’s been lightly tapped on the butt to get his hearing to work, but only spanked once since.

And he knows if he’s messed up he can come to me and tell me. He might get in trouble for what happened, but never for telling me and less for telling me than me finding out.

Parenting isn’t easy, but you need to do it. They need to know boundaries.


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[.45fan]

I wouldn’t take mine to the bathroom either. I’d have tanned their hide in the middle of the aisle in front of good and everyone.

My wife makes cakes as a side gig. Two summers ago she delivered a cake to a wedding at a golf course. The kid and I went with her, and we were sitting by this little stream he was playing in it throwing rocks in it. He threw a rock at me (he was 4) I told him don’t do it again. He picked up a bigger one and tried doing it. I grabbed it out of his hands, quicker than he could blink, his pants were down and he was over my knee with people standing around watching. He screamed bloody murder and I tanned him pretty good.

I stood him up, pulled his pants up sat him on my knee and asked him WHY he got in trouble. He wouldn’t stop crying, so I told him he could stop crying or get spanked again. He stopped the best he could and I asked him again, he blubbered because I was going to throw a rock at you. I told him yes and I told you not to, didn’t I? He said yes, I hugged him and told him I loved him but he needs to listen.

You know what, in 30mths I’ve only spanked him once since that. He’s been lightly tapped on the butt to get his hearing to work, but only spanked once since.

And he knows if he’s messed up he can come to me and tell me. He might get in trouble for what happened, but never for telling me and less for telling me than me finding out.

Parenting isn’t easy, but you need to do it. They need to know boundaries.


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It sounds like your child is being raised the right way.
I'm happy to hear that, unfortunately I believe you are in the minority of parents doing things this way these days.

[ubet]

It sounds like your child is being raised the right way.
I'm happy to hear that, unfortunately I believe you are in the minority of parents doing things this way these days.

Unfortunately I agree with you on the minority. And thank you, we try hard. You have to know when to be soft and compassionate with them and when to be hard. It’s not an easy line to walk.


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[titsonritz]

10-15 years.