A little Humor

[Quiet-Matt]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says.

You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

[Co-gnARR]

A fancy burger joint opened up around the corner from my place. They specialize in exotic meats like ostrich, alligator and snake. I’ve tried them all and enjoyed each meat for it’s unique qualities. All of them, except for the latest special- The Wookie Burger. I found it a bit chewey.

[daddyusmaximus]

[flenna]

Attachment 53146

It's getting even better. Big Brother one says only milk or water for kids. The Dems sure are making progress to MAGA.

http://www.foxnews.com/food-drink/20...ids-menus.html

[daddyusmaximus]

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor.

On the sith floor the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Inkslinger]

[JulyAZ]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[daddyusmaximus]

[TriggerFish]

Beer and the Wheel

The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice-versa. These
two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians',
which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and
beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer, but most prefer white
wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal
women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community
organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and
invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, engineers, most corporate
executives, most athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true
believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

[Grand58742]