View Full Version : POS Family/Friends
Six8's thread got me thinking and looking at my own experiences with people. I have traditionally called folks out in my little world on BS. It has never, ever won me any popularity, but at the end of the day I do feel better at least letting the folks whom I know that perpetuate BS know where I stand on their actions & beliefs. This mostly is family and usually former friends. Little stuff I usually keep quiet about, but when I see someone doing, saying, or planning to do something that causes someone else grief or hardship, I cannot help but interject.
Just using Six8's thread about his FIL as an example, I am curious how many of you handle situations with POS family/friends?
Do you cut them off, not having any contact?
Tell them what they are doing is wrong & cut them off?
Ignore it & look past it?
I see so many people (just in my family alone) who suffer with mental games & abuse everyday of their lives just to keep things calm & not stir any additional trouble, when most likely them standing up for themselves a time or two could be life changing for the better.
Also, since it seems there are plenty here with screwed up families like mine, do you guys think family relationships have always been like they are today, often very spiteful and cut throat?
Do you think the average family in the early 1900's-1950 was as bad as it is now?
brickboy240
10-24-13, 10:04
I too have been brutally honest to in-laws when they try to snow me or lie about things or have tried to borrow money. Nope, it has NOT won me any popularity contests and fortunately, my wife takes my side and is embarrassed at her sibling's antics and behavior.
Because of this, my in-laws have next to nothing do do with me and my wife. Some live as close as 20 minutes away but we see them for a few hours at Christmas and that is it.
I got lucky in the fact that my wife and daughter realize that they are poisonous people that cause tons of problems and they too want little to do with them. I hear stories from co-workers and friends about them going fishing/hunting with their in-laws and their cozy relationships with their in-laws. That, to me, is a foreign concept.
Yeah, I could have let most of it go and just went along to get along, but these people just kept taking advantage of us and I could not stand it. In the end, I felt it was better for my immediate family and the raising of my daughter if we kept our distance from these people. in the end...I need to look out for the well being of my wife and daughter FIRST and the in-laws are a distant concern.
If you have toxic in-laws....I totally understand. To keep your sanity...you have to be firm with these types or they will damage your own immediate family's dynamic.
-brickboy240
You know, I have played this game when I was married. My ex's parents were divorced and remarried, I knew them all my life, their parents too. The one time I spoke out a few years after we were married, her father again who I known all my life, stopped coming around and had nothing to do with the kids. I do not regret doing this just pointing out that if you decide to speak, know what the ramifications will be and if you are good with that drive on.
I am pretty lucky overall. My parents are extremely good and supportive people (even when I have really screwed up in my life). And my in laws are also very good people. The only issue is my Sister in law. She is a selfish, manipulative, ugly souled individual. My wife feels that since they are blood she owes it to her sister to put up with it.
I however have never had any such feelings. People in our loves that are not good for us should not be kept in our lives no matter what the relation.
I have close relatives who do not know where I live and I don't know or care what has become of them. They are dead to me.
When I was younger, I engaged in acts of retaliation that most here wouldn't condone. I basically ****ed them back until I wasn't upset anymore. It was cheaper than therapy and gave me a sense of accomplishment, as with anything you do yourself rather than hire someone.
Some people really learned the hard way to leave me the hell alone. Took a long time to "not be upset" and finally I was able to sleep great knowing I didn't take it and do nothing.
What sucks about being older with a family, house and responsibilities is I don't have the same "conflict resolution" options available to me. Sadly the instinct is still there and it's hard to sleep when you can't set somebody straight in a decisive and effective manner who is ****ing with you.
RogerinTPA
10-24-13, 14:33
I cut them and friends off when they show their ass too many times. Unfortunately for too many people these days, keeping associations with undesirable ass wipes is normal and an acceptable state of existence for them. I'll go so far as to change my number, redistribute it to trust worthy people with a stern warning not to distribute to what ever D-bag we have in common. Life's too short to put up with half assed people hell bent on dragging you into their BS & drama on a continuous basis. They are dangerous people, with no self control and should be kept at double arms length at all cost.
Half of my extended family is very liberal (GoreBearManPigObamaites) and half are staunchly conservative (shoot 'em in the face-Ghengas Khan was a girly man). We still get together with the liberal half for family events, avoid politics and religion topics, but are frank and no BS if they start spouting stupid shit. I sure as hell do not divulge what I have or do with any of them. They would be the first to turn me in to the fascist authorities given the opportunity. And probably the first to show up on my doorstep if SHTF.
Having sharp disagreements on most important topics leaves little reason to interact except for basic visits. Some couples in our family are happily split politically. I am fortunate my wide, adult "kids" and larger half of extended family are strongly conservative and we have great times talking, and sharing info on shooting sports and prepping.
My MIL and her coven have been DXed from my life. They have played games over and over with me. As for my siblings, occasionally they get put in time out, but are not near being eligible for being DXed.
Suwannee Tim
10-24-13, 21:14
.......Just using Six8's thread about his FIL as an example, I am curious how many of you handle situations with POS family/friends?......
I have two brothers, POSs as you say, I have seen neither in almost 10 years. I hope to see neither ever again on this earth. The rest of my extended family, same way. Not because they are POS, they are not. After my mother died my wife and I made an effort to call and visit cousins, aunts and uncles. For about 18 months we called and visited, called and visited, called and visited....... Then I decided to just stop calling and visiting and see what happened. Nothing. No one called us, no one visited us. My phone has not rang one time in 10 years from anyone in my extended family. Oh well. My other brother who died over 10 years ago had since my earliest recollections made it a point to aggravate me at every opportunity. Before he entered the terminal phase of his illness I had resolved to tell him to stop. And tell him once. And if he didn't stop, just have a parting of the ways. But he died before I decided to give him the ultimatum. Honestly, I don't miss him. Sad to say, when God was blessing people with families, I was in the wrong line. I am tired of bullshit and I am tired of being ****ed with. I don't put up with it.
I cut them and friends off when they show their ass too many times. Unfortunately for too many people these days, keeping associations with undesirable ass wipes is normal and an acceptable state of existence for them. I'll go so far as to change my number, redistribute it to trust worthy people with a stern warning not to distribute to what ever D-bag we have in common. Life's too short to put up with half assed people hell bent on dragging you into their BS & drama on a continuous basis. They are dangerous people, with no self control and should be kept at double arms length at all cost.
And I don't disagree with a single word you said. And I'll bet you have to put up with a hell of a lot less bullshit after the word got out that you wouldn't tolerate it. I have found most people will live up to or down to your expectations. The rest, **** 'em.
...... The only issue is my Sister in law. She is a selfish, manipulative, ugly souled individual. My wife feels that since they are blood she owes it to her sister to put up with it.......
I vehemently disagree. I would tell her to cut the crap or else and when she didn't I would do the or else part.
Funny thing, my grandfather was a hateful, horrible old man. Only one person ever had the nerve to tell him so, his oldest son who was then outcast from the family for 20 years. The rest, especially my mother loved him intensely. I will never understand that.
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Leo Tolstoy
Do you think the average family in the early 1900's-1950 was as bad as it is now? Oh, Hell yeah. This kind of shit has been going on since Adam and Eve.
Whether it's family or "friends", my wife and I are both on the same page when it comes to people stepping out of line or causing trouble. Get your shit straight, or get out of our lives. We have a small select part of our families we like, and we have a small select group of friends that we like and trust. Life is simpler that way.
Supposed friends who go bad, I get rid of them right away. Zero tolerance. At least they are easy to cut loose. I've got a small core group of friends who I trust implicitly and that's about all who I talk to.
Same thing goes for family. My immediate family is great, much of my extended family ain't worth a shit (drugguies, thieves, nutjobs, a couple of murderers, a child molester, etc) and I consider them dead to me and refuse to talk to them.
Unfortunately, I know that in 20 years the ones that haven't died off or wound up in prison due to their lifestyle will do their damndest to cause major issues for me and my sisters. What they do not know is that when that day comes, I will deal with them harshly, unlike my parents who just let their generation's family trash pollute the family name.
I'm 36 and this is all fairly new to me believe it or not. My Mom has two sisters who are good people and 1st cousins I get along well with on that side. My Dad grew up the youngest of 11 so up until I was about 27 we always spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together. For better or worse they would put petty disagreements aside for the most part. After his oldest sister got in bad health it all stopped. I consider myself really lucky to have been a part of that but at the same time it seems more and more families aren't doing this anymore. I wouldn't recognize half of my relatives if I saw them.
I've gotten along with my in-laws for most of the six years my wife and I have been married. We've given them several chances but have decided enough is enough. My wife internalizes a lot of her childhood so she would tell me more and more over the years. I've learned that emotional abuse and neglect can have just as bad an effect as physical abuse. Her sister's passive aggressive two faced supposed victim mentality is no better. I think issues and all it has made my wife a stronger and more determined person than I've ever met. Her finally telling her father enough is enough was the final line in the sand. I'm sure he will act the same he always has I mean who are you kidding if you think someone that old and stubborn is going to change?
I've heard some of you seem to say that cutting a person like this off may not be the whole answer but honestly I don't see any other way that we won't keep being caught up in this if we don't sever ties now. No bickering or fighting just crickets chirping sounds fine to me right now.
ClearedHot
10-25-13, 00:53
I have close relatives who do not know where I live and I don't know or care what has become of them. They are dead to me.
When I was younger, I engaged in acts of retaliation that most here wouldn't condone. I basically ****ed them back until I wasn't upset anymore. It was cheaper than therapy and gave me a sense of accomplishment, as with anything you do yourself rather than hire someone.
Some people really learned the hard way to leave me the hell alone. Took a long time to "not be upset" and finally I was able to sleep great knowing I didn't take it and do nothing.
What sucks about being older with a family, house and responsibilities is I don't have the same "conflict resolution" options available to me. Sadly the instinct is still there and it's hard to sleep when you can't set somebody straight in a decisive and effective manner who is ****ing with you.
I can understand where you're coming from. When somebody does you wrong, sometimes a person has to take it upon oneself to make things right.
Belmont31R
10-25-13, 11:39
I rarely speak to my sister. She is a manipulative chronic liar and eventually everyone gets tired of her shit. Not only has she pushed me out of her life but her husband's sister as well. She goes through friends like crazy. She has her own invented world she passes onto people as truth. Eventually people find out she is FOS and don't talk to her anymore.
My MIL, earlier this year, really pissed me off. My wife went up there to visit, and the MIL basically tried to sabotage our marriage. Agree with it or not my wife and I have a no bars/clubs pact unless the other one is there, too. So no going to the bar until 2AM when I'm home with the kids and I don't do the same. We aren't even bar people to begin with but like to go out once in a while to hear live music or whatever. Her mom and a friend of hers from up there tried to convince her I was being controlling when its a mutual pact, and were trying to convince her to move back because 'she doesn't belong here.' Her friend also tried telling her I was creepy because I was into guns.
Both my wife and I are pretty conservative value wise, and she realized how glad she was to be here. My FIL passed away last year, and the MIL has been telling the wife how lonely she is. She would like us to be closer...but we have a life out here. We both prefer Texas and can't really stand the liberal attitude in WA. The friend of hers has started smoking pot, and gave the MIL 'brownies'. The friend has an 'open' relationship with her SO. They come and go as they please, she goes out to bars and gets home late, ect. Her and her BF have a very different value set than we do which is fine but not when she's trying to tell my wife our value set is wrong and disparaging me because I'm into firearms.
Bottom line is that people can be very manipulative and will absolutely try to ruin other people's happiness due to a variety of reasons. Loneliness, projection, selfishness, jealousy, just because they can, ect. You have to be very careful of who you share your life with be they friends or family. Women are the worst when they see another female in a happy relationship, and some will absolutely try to manipulate the happy married woman into becoming the miserable divorced bitch they are.
Distance from disorder.....
a simple statement applicable to almost any situation, be it family,in-laws, neighbors, etc .....
Suwannee Tim
10-26-13, 20:47
I rarely speak to my sister. She is a manipulative chronic liar and eventually everyone gets tired of her shit. Not only has she pushed me out of her life but her husband's sister as well. She goes through friends like crazy. She has her own invented world she passes onto people as truth. Eventually people find out she is FOS and don't talk to her anymore.
My MIL, earlier this year, really pissed me off. My wife went up there to visit, and the MIL basically tried to sabotage our marriage. Agree with it or not my wife and I have a no bars/clubs pact unless the other one is there, too. So no going to the bar until 2AM when I'm home with the kids and I don't do the same. We aren't even bar people to begin with but like to go out once in a while to hear live music or whatever. Her mom and a friend of hers from up there tried to convince her I was being controlling when its a mutual pact, and were trying to convince her to move back because 'she doesn't belong here.' Her friend also tried telling her I was creepy because I was into guns.
Both my wife and I are pretty conservative value wise, and she realized how glad she was to be here. My FIL passed away last year, and the MIL has been telling the wife how lonely she is. She would like us to be closer...but we have a life out here. We both prefer Texas and can't really stand the liberal attitude in WA. The friend of hers has started smoking pot, and gave the MIL 'brownies'. The friend has an 'open' relationship with her SO. They come and go as they please, she goes out to bars and gets home late, ect. Her and her BF have a very different value set than we do which is fine but not when she's trying to tell my wife our value set is wrong and disparaging me because I'm into firearms.
Bottom line is that people can be very manipulative and will absolutely try to ruin other people's happiness due to a variety of reasons. Loneliness, projection, selfishness, jealousy, just because they can, ect. You have to be very careful of who you share your life with be they friends or family. Women are the worst when they see another female in a happy relationship, and some will absolutely try to manipulate the happy married woman into becoming the miserable divorced bitch they are.
You lay down with dogs you get up with fleas. You and your wife are wise with your pact. Alcohol can be a destroyer, trust me on that one. The pot is bad news too. Stay away from MIL and her loony friend. My father left my mother a widow and my mother struggled for years. It's a sad situation but wrecking your marriage is too high a price to pay for MIL's loneliness.
montanadave
10-26-13, 21:03
After listening to me bitch about one person or another, my first AA sponsor remarked, "You made a decision to not put toxic substances into your body. Why would you continue to allow toxic people in your life?"
That comment made me reassess a few relationships. And I made the decision to establish some healthy boundaries and adhere to them, family and friend alike.
Moose-Knuckle
10-27-13, 01:07
On the road of life some of the worst people you will ever encounter are "family".
As I get older my circle gets smaller . . .
morbidbattlecry
10-27-13, 15:53
My dad is an ass who cares more about his image in our small town then his kids.
brickboy240
10-28-13, 10:30
I know that many of us would like to have close relationships with parents, siblings or in-laws. Many of us have been brought up to see importance in family and keeping the family dynamic alive.
However, many of those people make it damned near impossible to do so and remain sane. Many of these people ARE toxic and threaten our own marriages and the raising of our own kids.
Therefore...yeah..sometimes it IS best to distance ourselves from toxic members of our family.
I know at times you feel sorry for the toxic people, wish to help them or wish that you could be close friends but sometimes it IS best to distance yourself and your wife and kids from the toxic people.
-brickboy240
I just hate it when my wife's relatives :Dget out of prison at the same time.
ThirdWatcher
10-29-13, 02:39
Distance from disorder.....
a simple statement applicable to almost any situation, be it family,in-laws, neighbors, etc .....
+1 I've got a mountain range between me and the rest of my family.
I know that many of us would like to have close relationships with parents, siblings or in-laws. Many of us have been brought up to see importance in family and keeping the family dynamic alive.
However, many of those people make it damned near impossible to do so and remain sane. Many of these people ARE toxic and threaten our own marriages and the raising of our own kids.
Therefore...yeah..sometimes it IS best to distance ourselves from toxic members of our family.
I know at times you feel sorry for the toxic people, wish to help them or wish that you could be close friends but sometimes it IS best to distance yourself and your wife and kids from the toxic people.
-brickboy240
Exactly. One strategy is to meet for lunch at a restaurant once a month or so to maintain a civil relationship, while not getting dragged down into the soap opera.
I know that many of us would like to have close relationships with parents, siblings or in-laws. Many of us have been brought up to see importance in family and keeping the family dynamic alive.
However, many of those people make it damned near impossible to do so and remain sane. Many of these people ARE toxic and threaten our own marriages and the raising of our own kids.
Therefore...yeah..sometimes it IS best to distance ourselves from toxic members of our family.
I know at times you feel sorry for the toxic people, wish to help them or wish that you could be close friends but sometimes it IS best to distance yourself and your wife and kids from the toxic people.
-brickboy240
Brickboy you are definitely coming around, especially communication-wise. Your post is well spoken and hits the mark.
I am also in favor of being straightforward with dysfunctional relatives and friends. Could write at length about my past experience with this but who really cares overall. Bottom line is that if someone that matters to you is always causing pain within the family or general circle then a real man will tell them like it is and let the chips fall where they may.
That said it's very important to make sure that the opinion you are courageous enough to attempt to constructively voice is a fair and accurate one. If you fail in that regard then you are transformed into a simple loudmouthed dick.
brickboy240
10-29-13, 10:37
Oh I have tons of experience with this....unfortunately.
No "coming around" I have "been there" and really wish this was not true. It is not an easy thing at all to stay away from toxic family members...especially if they live close by.
Seriously though...it is best in the end to stay far away from the toxic people in your family. Better for your own marriage and your kid's development.
-brickboy240
Oh I have tons of experience with this....unfortunately.
No "coming around" I have "been there" and really wish this was not true. It is not an easy thing at all to stay away from toxic family members...especially if they live close by.
Seriously though...it is best in the end to stay far away from the toxic people in your family. Better for your own marriage and your kid's development.
-brickboy240
By "coming around", which may not have been ideal wording, I meant that you've communicated your stance fairly and sensibly. Just a humble observation.
And like yourself I too have had extensive experience in that regard. In fact there was more than one occasion where I made unpleasant waves within the family and was frowned upon, however fortunately in the end I was essentially proven right and now those same family members have made some wise adjustments and seem to respect me for trying to be helpful overall.
Guess it proves the old saying that if there is no risk there is also likely to be no reward. :)
brickboy240
10-29-13, 13:24
True.
Quite often it is not easy to do what you know deep down is the right thing to do. But you know that if you do not make your feelings known...it will drive you nuts and nothing gets solved.
I have crappy in-laws that live 20 minutes away and I have made the decision to never see these people nor do I let my daughter hang with their kids. Sad that she cannot play with her cousins but they will just get her into trouble. I make no bones about calling them out as trouble-makers.
You HAVE to let your family know if they are doing something that bothers you or that goes against your value system.
-brickboy240
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