You will LAUGH until it hurts.

[COJAM]

Guys if you're a member on the M&P forum you must read this.Please do not have any food products or beverages near while reading , because you will not be able to contain yourself.http://mp-pistol.com/boards/index.php?showtopic=14041

[98z28]

Posted by sparky1 at mp-pistol.com:

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course
of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to shit
yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,
which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day
both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's
Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly,
oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.
I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before
gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her
arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of
course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a
few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my
side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh
my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD,
purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the
true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to
run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of
the problem." That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S
YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to
return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
store..

[live2offroad]

That... Was.... Awesome!:D
-Peter

[Don Robison]

I can hardly see to type. My eyes are watering.
I had to cut and paste it so I could send it to some friends and my two daughters who know me well enough to have been embarrassed by me in a similar fashion.

[Oscar 319]

That's some funny, um.....shit. The wife gets annoyed be me surfing the 'ol M4C all the time. I told her to read this. She said, "no I probably won't think it's funny". I said, "shut up woman, make me some dinner and read this!" Ok, I just asked her to read it. She did, and laughed so hard she had tears in her eyes. This caused me to LART (laugh + fart). Then I remembered why we get along so well...our love of good toilet humor.

[Shihan]

If someone dosent think thas funny they should be shot.

[DogRanger]

Now that was funny.:D

[Iraqgunz]

Holy shit I was laughing so hard that I almost shat myself and my eyes watering.

[KACSR15]

This was great. My co-workers are looking at me like I'm crazy setting here laughing and trying to keep my eyes clear enough to finish reading.

I have to copy and paste it & send it to my wife!

[Blitzking]

Only it was a Hottie MILF pushing her Baby down a Ilse at Lowes.They Hit the Poop Cloud in Hardware section and the baby started Crying...I have No shame or Remorse

[PrarieDog]

OMG! that was funny! I did something of the same once on a 747 to Hawaii. It was about 2 hrs into the flight. I even made a six year old kid cry it was so bad.

[FlyAndFight]

Hilarious!!! :p

[Nathan_Bell]

That was wrong, but hellaciously funny