View Full Version : Funniest forum post you ever remember reading?
Doc Safari
06-12-15, 17:15
I can't get this one out of my head. I laugh whenever I think about it. Unfortunately it happened about ten years ago so I can't link to it.
The gist of it was, somehow I found myself on a bodybuilding forum. I landed there by accident. I think I was surfing for photos of hot chicks and there was a thread on one of the bodybuilding forums.
Anyway, bored....I just started reading other threads and found one on steroids that went on for pages.
The funny thing is...the longer the thread went on the more heated the discussion became about 'roids and their effects. Members kept getting angrier and more belligerent until post after post started showing members "banned" until there were only two or three participants left in the thread that hadn't been banned.
It was so funny and obvious that the participants in that thread were suffering from 'roid rage and were getting banned as a result.
Lesson: if you post in the 'roid forum...better watch that 'roid rage!:laugh::haha::sarcastic::lol:
Guess you had to be there, but I still think it's funny.
Inkslinger
06-12-15, 19:24
I think Markm once posted not to look at google images for dillion press. Appologies to all that do...
Eta: i just checked, they must have cleaned it up.
I cannot remember any specifics, however, most funny forum posts I read come from bodybuilding forum, too. It does not matter how you end up there, it is always a funny read.
MountainRaven
06-12-15, 20:36
I think Markm once posted not to look at google images for dillion press. Appologies to all that do...
Eta: i just checked, they must have cleaned it up.
I seem to recall doing so not long after MarkM posted that advice and there was nothing dirty then, either.
However, given that Google tracks your search habits, it likely means that MarkM has viewed similar unsavory images before. ;)
Inkslinger
06-12-15, 20:41
I seem to recall doing so not long after MarkM posted that advice and there was nothing dirty then, either.
However, given that Google tracks your search habits, it likely means that MarkM has viewed similar unsavory images before. ;)
Well, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I googled right after he posted. It was definitely a fruity feast for the eyes! [emoji50]
Any of JSantoro's posts where he's jacking up members for whatever reason.
This place hasn't been as fun since he throttled back on riding people's asses.
MountainRaven
06-12-15, 22:15
Well, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I googled right after he posted. It was definitely a fruity feast for the eyes! [emoji50]
I now know more than I needed to about both MarkM and your internet viewing habits!
;)
1_click_off
06-12-15, 23:56
I read it on another forum I'm a member. I made it my sig line over there
"I have some big ass zip ties in my console. I used them on a belligerent drunk once. A buddy and myself zip tied his wrists together behind his back. He started kicking so we zip tied his feet. He started spitting so we zip tied his feet to his wrists to his ankles and rolled him onto his stomach. He kept spitting so my buddy peed on him."
Moose-Knuckle
06-13-15, 00:01
Probably the time Magicsalad asked about what everyone was getting for Christmas and he told us of the time he caught a case of the crabs on the way to a wedding! :lol:
Probably the time Magicsalad asked about what everyone was getting for Christmas and he told us of the time he caught a case of the crabs on the way to a wedding! :lol:
Yes! I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Also eurodriver's post in the same thread about the girlfriend who came into the room with a King Kong sized strap on.
Say what you will but there was internet gold on TOS in the early days.
Bloodninja is probably the single funniest thing I have ever read, although Gecko45 and SPECOPS get high marks.
Gecko45 had me rolling for days with some of that mall ninja crap
The Ryans steakhouse story, for sure.
For those who don't know, you can google it. Long, but great read.
Jeez,
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/
From my readings, I believe SeriousStudent posted this: ‘If Plan A is to take multiple .338 shots to the back, you really need to come up with a Plan B.” Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner.
Couldn't find the Ryan's Steakhouse story = helpful hints?
Jeez,
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/
From my readings, I believe SeriousStudent posted this: ‘If Plan A is to take multiple .338 shots to the back, you really need to come up with a Plan B.” Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner.
Couldn't find the Ryan's Steakhouse story = helpful hints?
Uh... go to google. Type in Ryan's Steakhouse story.
Uh... go to google. Type in Ryan's Steakhouse story.
did that - no results
BoringGuy45
06-13-15, 14:29
The Steakhouse Incident
Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth. Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me.
A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.
I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.
At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, like what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no ****ing toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
Some dispute this story, but I see no reason to not to believe it.
lethal dose
06-13-15, 15:42
I am absolutely sobbing from laughing so hard!
...somehow I found myself on a bodybuilding forum. I landed there by accident. I think I was surfing for photos of hot chicks and there was a thread on one of the bodybuilding forums...
That's pretty funny right there. ;)
Averageman
06-13-15, 19:41
The "Ryan's Steak House" incident had me laughing so hard I was crying.
I believe this story because of the time I have spent on the road, these things happen and usually in Ryan's, Golden Corral or some other bacteria ridden Buffet palace. Those who have been there know the perils.
God Bless that Man's Wife and the Manager.
FromMyColdDeadHand
06-13-15, 19:57
Why would a Ryan's Steakhouse have towels... That is the only oddity...
Damn funny and believable since we have all been close to there...
Why would a Ryan's Steakhouse have towels... That is the only oddity...
Damn funny and believable since we have all been close to there...
Kitchen towels to wipe up the slop that misses people's mouths.
Whether one is inclined to believe it or not, it is plausible.
On topics:
Anyway, not quite a forum post but anyone ever read the reviews/stories for Haribo sugar free gummy bears?
No?
Enjoy!
http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-Free-Gummy-Bears/dp/B008JELLCA
Eurodriver
06-13-15, 20:59
Without a doubt, it's the Jeepforum advice to a girl.
So, my boyfriend bought a '96 Cherokee (XJ) SE, for way too much, like around $3,000. It broke down and he has put another $2,500 in it and totally rebuilt the engine and did a lot of after market work on it. He has and will do all the labor himself, he refuses to pay for labor. Now, he finds out that the motor needs to be taken back out and fixed again and is looking at another $700. I said he should just sell it and wipe his hands clean, he says he won't make enough. Firstly, what is your guys' opinion on what he should do? Secondly, how much do you think he could make parting it versus just the whole car as is? Thanks for your guys' opinions!
You want my opinion? Ok… Shut the hell up. You’re not his wife. You’re not paying for the repairs. It’s absolutely none of your business what he does with his Jeep or his money. I know your type well… first it’s “Sell the Jeep because it’s costing too much money.” Then it’s “No, you can’t go spend the weekend with your buddies because I need you to take me shopping.” Then it’s “Oh gee, honey… I’m pregnant. Gosh, I have no idea how that happened.” You’re a DreamKiller. You kill a guy’s dreams, take away his future, tie him down with a fat mortgage and too many babies, and turn him into just another miserable guy wondering, “How the hell did I get here?” Do you really want to help him? Here’s what you do… go to your local library (it’s a big building with books inside) and check out a couple of books on rebuilding engines. Read them, over and over, until YOU understand what needs to be done. Then help him get that engine out and rebuild it. Tie your hair back in a ponytail, put on some old jeans and get your hands dirty. Hand him wrenches, hold the light, pull the wire connectors apart, help him get the hood off… help him with anything he needs. When he gets tired, run inside and make him a hot lunch or dinner. Fix him coffee, hot chocolate, whatever he wants. (But NO beer. Beer is for when the job is done.) Then when the day is over and you’re both exhausted from working on the engine, push him into a hot shower and jump in with him. Scrub his back, wash his hair, rinse him off, and dry him with fluffy towels still hot from the dryer. Then push him into bed and screw his ears off. Then get up the next day and do it all over again. Make him realize that rebuilding an engine is a slow and methodical process. Make him realize that every step should be regarded as surgery; every step must be perfect… perfect torque, perfect fit, perfectly clean. If you run into a step that you just can’t figure out, ask for help from someone who knows what he’s doing. Are you cute? Put on a low-cut top, show some cleavage and go (by yourself) to the local Jeep shop, and explain to the guys that you are helping your boyfriend to rebuild his engine and neither of you can figure out this one little step, and do they have any advice… Think it won’t work? Think again. We guys love to help cute girls, even if they have a boyfriend. (Hey, maybe you’ve got a sister, or girlfriend…) But absolutely DO NOT whine or complain. Do not say a single negative thing. Not a single “Oooooo, I broke a nail.” If you break a nail, or cut your finger, or bang a knuckle, you just shut up and DEAL WITH IT. You should be a hopelessly optomistic, never-say-die cheerleader, encouraging him every step of the way. That’s my opinion.
http://www.gixxer.com/forums/showthread.php?t=226570#/forumsite/20557/topics/226570
Super long but the good stuff is at the beginning.
And of course you can't not include the epic shed build.
http://www.bcsportbikes.com/forum/showthread.php/146566-Build-to-Fail-Fail-to-Build.-What-is-this-I-don-t-even....#/forumsite/21158/topics/146566
SilverBullet432
06-13-15, 21:57
definitely the crabs for Christmas one!
http://www.gixxer.com/forums/showthread.php?t=226570#/forumsite/20557/topics/226570
Super long but the good stuff is at the beginning.
And of course you can't not include the epic shed build.
http://www.bcsportbikes.com/forum/showthread.php/146566-Build-to-Fail-Fail-to-Build.-What-is-this-I-don-t-even....#/forumsite/21158/topics/146566
OMG C-grunt, I had forgotten all about the "shed thread"!!! That was an internet thread of biblical awesomeness. Every update had me crying from laughing so hard. If any man has ever been approached by his wife to build her a shed, greenhouse, etc., for any reason. He should have her read that thread. "Honey, do you really want me to build you a shed?" That's a get out of "building anything for her" card right there! Pure gold.
SeriousStudent
06-13-15, 23:29
I see much funnier stuff at work, than anything I ever read here.
Kitchen towels to wipe up the slop that misses people's mouths.
Whether one is inclined to believe it or not, it is plausible.
On topics:
Anyway, not quite a forum post but anyone ever read the reviews/stories for Haribo sugar free gummy bears?
No?
Enjoy!
http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-Free-Gummy-Bears/dp/B008JELLCA
I just laughed so hard My guts hurt!
did that - no results
I don't know if I'm being messed with or not??? Go to www.google.com, type in Ryan's Steakhouse Story, it's the first thing that comes up. http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html
That Amazon link is pure gold. As a diabetic, my wife is fully aware of the dangers of sugar free candy. She laughed until she couldn't breath on a couple of those reviews.
I don't know if I'm being messed with or not??? Go to www.google.com, type in Ryan's Steakhouse Story, it's the first thing that comes up. http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html
That Amazon link is pure gold. As a diabetic, my wife is fully aware of the dangers of sugar free candy. She laughed until she couldn't breath on a couple of those reviews.
No, not being messed with, I just thought you guys were discussing a thread on M4, so I used the google search button on the top right of the forum page. Apparently I am a Luddite.
Be honest, you are only laughing at the Steakhouse story because you know full well "The Move" :)
ColtSeavers
06-20-15, 14:51
I've read so many that it is exceedingly difficult to remember them all, but the one that comes to mind (probably due to being gun relevant) is the most dangerous ammo available.
http://glocktalk.com/forums/showpost.php?p=15156141&postcount=22
TacMedic556
06-23-15, 21:32
Jeez,
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/
From my readings, I believe SeriousStudent posted this: ‘If Plan A is to take multiple .338 shots to the back, you really need to come up with a Plan B.” Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner.
Couldn't find the Ryan's Steakhouse story = helpful hints?
....I have been lost in this link for some time now. Thanks for the entertainment. This should be a comic. Someone with artistic talent needs to produce this.
Gecko45 was indeed about the funniest thing I've ever read on a forum. Another classic was the guy who "converted" his carbine gas system to a middy by simply changing the position of the gas block and couldn't figure out why the rifle turned into a single shot while the upper handguard kept popping off.
Another memorable classic- "Because no one expects the MP5 Ninja. People think they're all extinct"
Rattlehead
06-24-15, 01:32
Say what you will but there was internet gold on TOS in the early days.
Bloodninja is probably the single funniest thing I have ever read, although Gecko45 and SPECOPS get high marks.
I REALLY wish I knew who the person behind the Gecko45 account was. That guy (or gal) trolled so legit I don't think I've seen anything since that even remotely compares.
I REALLY wish I knew who the person behind the Gecko45 account was. That guy (or gal) trolled so legit I don't think I've seen anything since that even remotely compares.
I know him personally. His regular arfcom handle was Juggernaut. I think SPECOPS was HKocher.
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