View Full Version : Can a marriage survive two people of vastly different religious views?
I would like your opinions on this. All other things being fairly equal, how important do you feel similar views on religion are in a marriage. If so what compromises do you feel are required..
SomeOtherGuy
08-06-15, 19:40
If both people feel strongly then I think pretty similar views are required. If one person feels strongly and the other doesn't, and just kind of goes-along, then that can work. Although I know of one or two couples where both people feel strongly and are from different religions, I think that is the rare exception, not something that would typically work.
I have several friends in marriages between believers in different religions. I have observed the greatest tension is when/if kids come along. Activities one parent may feel are appropriate may not be appropriate for the other. Some religions discourage or prohibit certain activities on Sunday or Saturday for example. If one parent believes in this and the other doesn't, do the kids get to play ball games/go shooting/shop/etc. on Sunday/Saturday or not? Just a thought I had.
I've seen it work, but wouldn't want to personally be in that situation.
Do you deal with heartache well?
It's not impossible but damn .. that's a bridge. If the two of you are so strong that your marriage will be based in large part to bridging religion then yeah. Just remember the camel, the straw, and the power of religion.
Sometimes it's actually easier to love someone than to marry them.
As long as one did not shove their beliefs down the other's throat, I can't see why it wouldn't work.
Mutual respect is the key.
A couple of years ago, your notion of marriage included a wife, a girlfriend, your girlfriend's fiancé, and your girlfriend's baby caught in the middle. Now, you are asking for marriage advice on the Internet? Do really think that what we have to say will be in anyway applicable to the construct that you call a marriage?
Your input on my marriage is not Welcome Sensei. I asked a specific question. You can answer or not. Save your judgement for someone who cares about it.
A bird and fish can fall in love,but where will they live?
A bird and fish can fall in love,but where will they live?
I think this sums up the issue well. Haha.
Wife is a fairly devout Mormon. I, as most of you know, am a strong Atheist. Finding a middle ground there is not easy.
it depends on the other person being neutral about things and meaning %100 neutral as in they will be OK with whatever the other side wants to raise the kids to believe
if the religious view is one is not %100 neutral it wont work out to well especially for the kids ! IMHO anyways
my wife's parents the dad is not religious was raised in England in a catholic school which destroyed it for him but his wife is so he is %100 neutral more like he was and was pushed away so he was never against it so they started on the same side kinda :)
and that is my point maybe one can not be against any other side which IMHO many who don't like religion tend to be against it and with someone religious they may want to convert you the whole time ?
again IMHO it wont work out and going into it one side most likely thinks the other side will change and it can but and a big BUT when kids come along that can change everything and not fare to the kids
if the non believing side thinks religion is silly or stupid or ? IMHO its a waste at that point cause then you basically believe that person is silly or stupid and while one can say well no they would not ? I would disagree cause religion is something that runs really deep and IS the person in many ways :)
sorry for rambling but tough to answer as its so huge and yet IMHO so simple
As is pretty well known, I'm not terribly religious.
My wife believes she will see her loved ones again. As she has been through some terrible shit, including the death of loved ones when she was very young, there are some things I just leave alone.
Besides I'm technically agnostic so since I can't say for sure, I just don't say at all.
I think this sums up the issue well. Haha.
Wife is a fairly devout Mormon. I, as most of you know, am a strong Atheist. Finding a middle ground there is not easy. I take it that she is FLDS vs. LDS? I think that if you are taking advantage of your wife's religious beliefs to satisfy your own desires, there will be many issues down the road.
crusader377
08-07-15, 00:24
I think a marriage can work with two different religious views as long as one party or both parties are moderate about their religion. For example I think a laid back Catholic and Protestant can have a marriage that works. That said a very devout Jew and Muslim probably is not going to happen nor a devout Christian and Atheist probably won't work well.
As long as the two people get "fixed" before they get married. If children come into the picture they might as well just split now and call it a day.
I'm Christian and very conservative, my wife is atheist/agnostic (not sure of difference) and very liberal. Been together for 15yrs (off and on) and married for 6. The only thing we argue over is politics, not religion (we didn't talk for 3days after second time she voted for HIM), some people opposites attract.
I think the good Lord believes in some people more than they might believe in him. My wife has a kinder/gentler heart than most religious people I know (including myself). Best of luck
I don't see why it should not work unless you make religion the focal point of marriage. If that's all your marriage is based on then it will probably fail. A lot of my friends are in this situation and they all live fine.
One couple are Christian/Jewish. They do everything together but go to different houses of worship. They are fine with that and it's not what their marriage is about.
Two other couples the men are athiests and the wives are religious Christian. One very religious. The men are both fine with it and one is even in favor of it. Says it gives him some quiet time Sunday mornings to afternoon. Has time to himself and to relax in a quiet house.
Another friend of mine is eastern Orthodox and getting married to a Chinese Buddhist.
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IF you are devoted to your faith as is called by that faith, it cannot work. If you are a fence-sitter or a Friday/Saturday/Sunday believer and live "by the world" the other 6 days, then it can work. I have been married 3 wonderful years....but married 16 years (just kidding, all 16 have been good), and we are both pretty serious about our faith. I dated a girl who was everything I was not...non-religious, liberal, etc., and we were compatible so long as we did not talk about religion, politics, social issues, education issues, or sports.
Based off the Mormon Doctrine of Salvation alone I will have to comment no. If you dont mind me asking, who is wavering in the marriage?
brickboy240
08-07-15, 10:05
Ummm mutual respect for those with opposing views/faiths/gender choices is something to strive for in the workplace...not in a marriage.
A marriage works best when both people are from similar religions, socioeconomic, cultural and yes racial backgrounds. This is what I have observed.
I don't want to start a war with anyone and if you have mixed these things and it has worked for you...fine. However, there is enough obstacles facing two people that join in marriage....you don't need to be fighting with each other because you have wildly varying religious, political, cultural, economic views or some sort of racial tension between your families.
I say this as one that is married for 24 years to the same woman - a woman from a similar background as mine.
YMMV...
I think this sums up the issue well. Haha.
Wife is a fairly devout Mormon. I, as most of you know, am a strong Atheist. Finding a middle ground there is not easy.
I think the biggest problem comes from children.
Which religion do you raise the child as? Or in your case, no religion vs mormon? Will that cause a divide between you and your wife if the kid takes sides?
Edit: Oh didn't see docsherm beat me to it.
brickboy240
08-07-15, 11:32
You don't face this issue if both of you are from similar backgrounds. Seriously....those kind of "what ifs" don't even come up.
There is enough garbage and obstacles in trying to raise children in this culture without throwing more obstacles at them.
Diversity is for the workplace, neighborhood or maybe a sports team...not in a marriage.
Hey..I am usually a pretty socially liberal person but when it comes to marriage - it works best when both people are more similar...not less.
Most people I know that are now divorced were couples that came from very different backgrounds. Different religions, differing economic upbringings and yes...different races and cultures. Their differences finally drove them apart. Some lasted longer than others but in the end...differences were the death of their marriages.
Chances are it will last longer and your kids will grow up more stable if you two are very similar.
Eh... I'm married to a woman of different culture, race, etc. Met her in college.
We couldn't be any more on the same page. It's like I've found a mirror image of myself, except female, unable to drive, can't even program a microwave clock let alone a computer, but... someone from the other side of the earth understands me in a way no one else could. I'm the result of a mixed marriage, come to think of it. White and Brown. And my parents are awesome.
Brick, I think you're correct in that the more variables you add the more difficult you could make it. and taking those potential conflicts out makes it a lot easier. But there are many other variables not being taken into account. Despite our different backgrounds and technical prowess, my wife and I have way more in common than not. When you consider divorce rates across the board, I'd say there are a lot of justifications for marriage that are fatally flawed beyond cultural or ethnic differences.
Years ago, I had a female neighbor who divorced her husband because she found god and he didn't.
She was in her mid sixties and since her divorce had been single for many years.
What a douche.
If both people feel strongly then I think pretty similar views are required. If one person feels strongly and the other doesn't, and just kind of goes-along, then that can work.
That's how my wife and I are. She's really attached to her denomination and I'm not all that religious, so we go to her denomination. It's a cheap and easy way to keep harmony in my household... :p
James Carville and Mary Matalin prove any marriage is possible. But better to play the odds and date those with similar principals. Beware the "Christian" revealing her inner new-ager, guru of the month after reeling in the fish. Which explains the 25 years left on my mortgage in retirement instead of paid off four years ago. Worth every extra dollar of not having to deal with that gobbledegook.
I'm Christian and very conservative, my wife is atheist/agnostic (not sure of difference) and very liberal. Been together for 15yrs (off and on) and married for 6. The only thing we argue over is politics, not religion (we didn't talk for 3days after second time she voted for HIM), some people opposites attract.
I think the good Lord believes in some people more than they might believe in him. My wife has a kinder/gentler heart than most religious people I know (including myself). Best of luck
Theist - believing in a god / Atheist - not believing in a god / Anti-theist - not believing in a god, but believes if there were it would not be a good thing.
Gnostic - knowing / Agnostic - not knowing
Mix and match depending on personal beliefs. You can be both an Atheist and Agnostic, one who does not believe in any specific god but accepts a possibility, or an Atheist that believes they know for sure there is no god. Obviously you can't prove the NON-existence of something so the majority of atheists would claim to be agnostic atheists. Burden of proof is on the one making the claim of existence, so it's not up to us non-believers to bring forth evidence, but that's an entirely different topic to discuss.
To the OP, if you're already in a working relationship with somebody of a different religious view, if that compromise/mutual respect is kept in place I don't see a major reason why it can't work. Biggest issue I'd expect is not the religion itself, but the role that religion plays on other opinions/decisions/practices/etc. A lot of people shut down when it comes to certain topics, don't think on it themselves, form no personal opinion and only stick to whatever their religions opinion is on the subject. Just as an example, look at the recent discussion of planned parenthood here in general discussion, people that otherwise get along, get emotional and argue over a slight difference in belief.
Women marry men thinking that they can change them; and they never do.
Men marry women hoping they never change; and they always do.
A couple of years ago, your notion of marriage included a wife, a girlfriend, your girlfriend's fiancé, and your girlfriend's baby caught in the middle. Now, you are asking for marriage advice on the Internet? Do really think that what we have to say will be in anyway applicable to the construct that you call a marriage?
Most people cannot play the long-game and do so with vastly different religious views. I would guess 98% failure rate.
If the above comment by Sensei is an accurate reflection about your belief system only a short time ago.... that 'aint a good sign.
No, you and this other person can't overcome vastly different religious views.
BoringGuy45
08-07-15, 15:20
I think it really depends on the people, and how seriously they take their religions. Spouses who are casual practitioners of separate religions can possibly have successful marriages as their religion is not a huge part of their lives other than a cultural identity. But if you take two strong believers in two incompatible belief systems, I don't see how the marriage can last in the long run. Eventually the differences will come out and the spouses will have to decide both separately and together whether their religion or their marriage is more important.
Crow Hunter
08-07-15, 17:54
My wife and I are of the "same" religion. But different denominations. We both believe the same basic things but express them differently.
My wife is Church of Christ and I am nominally Baptist but really more of a Buddhaptist. (I made up my own religion.)
If my wife were a strict Campbellite, as her Mother is, it would not work.
My MIL thinks that I am going to Hell and has told my wife as much.
I think it can work, as long as both are flexible and can realize that no one group can possibly know the question to the Life, Universe, and Everything.
I had a very good, extremely beautiful and incredibly sweet Malaysian female friend in college. Had I been willing to convert to Islam, I would probably be married to her right now. She even told me so. My own Mother didn't take care of me so well as she did and we were just friends, never kissed her, never even hugged her (to have done so would have been very, very bad). However, there was no way that she could/would have been more than friends without that happening. I can't imagine trying to do so without making that type of conversion and meaning it.
She did have such a beautiful smile though.
Theist - believing in a god / Atheist - not believing in a god / Anti-theist - not believing in a god, but believes if there were it would not be a good thing.
Gnostic - knowing / Agnostic - not knowing
. .Ahh, thanks for clarifying.
BoringGuy45
08-07-15, 21:24
My wife and I are of the "same" religion. But different denominations. We both believe the same basic things but express them differently.
Well, even within a religion, denominations, or even views from within the same denomination, can be as different as though they were a separate religion. I had a friend who is a Baptist whose Pentecostal girlfriend dumped him when he told her that he had never spoken in tongues and frankly, was skeptical of it. I had a relationship that never was partially because she was a strict young earth creationist and I'm more of a theistic evolutionist. That would have been okay with me, I believe it should be a minor issue that it's okay for Christians to agree to disagree on. But for her, that was as deal breaker. I also drink and listen to heavy metal. I couldn't marry a woman who insists that I need to clean my iTunes out of everything except hymns and that I need to go and hand out tracts outside the bar telling people that they're going to hell, even if she and I did agree that Jesus is the Son of God.
I think, as I said before, it depends on how passionately you believe in something. and if that belief is compatible with someone who doesn't share or opposes your belief. It doesn't even just have to be religion. For me, if I was in a relationship with the girl of my dreams, and she told me that if I wanted to marry her, I had to give up all my guns, she's no longer the girl of my dreams. Not happening, honey. If she told me that she wanted an open marriage: Fine, we'll sign the divorce papers and she can go and marry a guy who's up for an open marriage.
militarymoron
08-07-15, 21:44
A bird and fish can fall in love,but where will they live?
It'd work out if the bird is a penguin.
To answer the OP, I think that'd be an uphill battle. The more differences in belief system/fundamentals there are between you, the less likely it's going to work out. Religion, money, and bringing up kids - those are IMHO the biggest ones.
I've heard people speak in tongues.
It's gibberish.
It'd work out if the bird is a penguin.
To answer the OP, I think that'd be an uphill battle. The more differences in belief system/fundamentals there are between you, the less likely it's going to work out. Religion, money, and bringing up kids - those are IMHO the biggest ones.
Penguins eat fish.
So the fish would have to be huge I guess.
I've heard people speak in tongues.
It's gibberish.
The father of a girl I was dating invited me to a bible study and I accepted. He was a Charismatic Christian and I am LDS. We disagreed as to what speaking in tongues meant. They claimed it was their secret language with the Lord. We are taught that the gift of tongues is when people who normally cannot communicate clearly with one another, are able to by the Spirit.
Whent the bible study was over, there was a prayer circle and the guy running the show said Lord, there is somebody here who has never had the spirit move him to speak in tongues, just let the spirit fall on him- let him be slain in the spirit so that he may have this gift. When I said nothing, he continued on in this vein for several minutes. It got to the point that I thought it'd be easy just to speak a few words of gibberish so he'd stop. But I was feeling a growing oppression in the room and when I owned my eyes, it seemed darker than before. I felt a pressure, a physical pressure, on me like something was trying to get me to speak that gibberish. It was like there was this voice telling me "Just say a few words of nonsense. What harm would it do?" And I almost did. But then I got stubborn and refused.
The more I resisted, the darker the room got, the more oppressive the spirit and the greater the pressure grew. The greater the pressure, the more determined I became to resist until finally, the guy in charge stopped his prayer and said, I guess he's not ready yet. It was one of the strangest experiences I've had.
The relationship with the girl did not end well, but it was not all her fault
The mind is a powerful thing.
MountainRaven
08-08-15, 12:50
Where there is a will, there is a way.
If you both want it to work, it will work. If you don't or they don't, it won't.
Marriages work so long as both participants make it work. It's a team effort.
I would like your opinions on this. All other things being fairly equal, how important do you feel similar views on religion are in a marriage. If so what compromises do you feel are required..
I don't think similar views on religion are all that necessary for a marriage to work. I'm atheist myself and my wife considers herself Christian. I've been to church with her a few times, not to partake in what goes on, but to support her in doing what she feels she needs to do. I knew those were her beliefs when we got married and will gladly continue to support her, much like she knows I'm atheist and will support me in what my "beliefs" are.
I think more important than your religious views are what your morals are, and if they are compatible. I always try to lend people a helping hand when they are in need, because that's what I would want someone to do for me. My wife always tries to do the same, but her reasoning may be because that's what the bible says.
We both agree on the end state, but the means in which we get there are supported by different justifications and beliefs.
2 religions, sure. I say that because I find "religion" to be fake. 2 Faiths on the other hand, I do not see how that could work If you are true to your faith, it will be the center of your life and your marriage.
Why does one have to be the same as the other? I don't get this at all. Why does it matter if the spouse is not the same religion? Why can't you love your spouse without having your religion as a focal point? Everyone has hobbies that doesn't involve their spouse right? Does that change how you feel about them? This shit completely baffles me.
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BoringGuy45
08-08-15, 16:18
Why does one have to be the same as the other? I don't get this at all. Why does it matter if the spouse is not the same religion? Why can't you love your spouse without having your religion as a focal point? Everyone has hobbies that doesn't involve their spouse right? Does that change how you feel about them? This shit completely baffles me.
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It matters on many levels. One's religion affects how they view the world, how they are to interact with others, how they are to raise their children, and how they view right and wrong. And, if one takes seriously their belief in what God expects from them and what awaits them at the End of Days, it's going to be the focal point of their lives. Could you marry a woman who is a strong follower of her faith, insists that your children be raised in her faith and go to church/synagogue/mosque/whatever? Would you be able to stand a marriage where she is trying to convert you because she sincerely believes that it is her duty to do so?
I'm sorry, but for those of us who are strong believers and active practitioners of our respective faiths, it is the most important thing in (most of) our lives. You can find the whole thing stupid if you want, but that's the way it is.
Why does one have to be the same as the other? I don't get this at all. Why does it matter if the spouse is not the same religion? Why can't you love your spouse without having your religion as a focal point? Everyone has hobbies that doesn't involve their spouse right? Does that change how you feel about them? This shit completely baffles me.
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I guess the short answer is that Faith isn't a hobby.
The killer of marriages isn't different religions, faith, color, creed, culture, ethnicity or what have you. Because if our differences are going to separate us, none of us would make it through a marriage because a couple is already starting off as two different people. It's about how we communicate with our spouse, how we treat them and how we respect them. Lack of respect will kill a marriage of people how are very much alike. So will lack of trust, lack of understanding and a lack of forgiveness
Business_Casual
08-08-15, 17:06
BEING MARRIED IS REALLY HARD. Don't add to the list of issues.
Averageman
08-08-15, 17:17
The killer of marriages isn't different religions, faith, color, creed, culture, ethnicity or what have you. Because if our differences are going to separate us, none of us would make it through a marriage because a couple is already starting off as two different people. It's about how we communicate with our spouse, how we treat them and how we respect them. Lack of respect will kill a marriage of people how are very much alike. So will lack of trust, lack of understanding and a lack of forgiveness
BEING MARRIED IS REALLY HARD. Don't add to the list of issues.
Combine the two and I think we have the best answer.
Women marry men thinking that they can change them; and they never do.
Men marry women hoping they never change; and they always do.
This usually means that the woman expects the man to quit behaving like a teenager after they get married, but he still does. The man expects the woman to remain as attractive as she is on their wedding day, but she doesn't.
A marriage can work with different religious beliefs as long as there is respect for the other person & they agree on how to raise the kids. Trying to make your spouse just like you doesn't lead to good outcomes. Marriages usually falter over money & sex. I knew a couple that had all the same beliefs, did everything together & ended up getting a divorce together. Marriage is hard.
My wife and I have been together for 15 years. She is Lutheran, I am athiest. We are different in a lot of ways but have enough mutal respect to give each other enough space to be who we are. We raised the children as Lutherans and when they reached an age of reason I shared my views with them and will allow them to reach their own conclusions on that subject. It is a rare occasion that our differing views on religion even become a topic of discussion because our views on what is right and wrong are in sync. When it does become an issue we compromise. For example, her Lutheran pastor is the one who married us, but we got married at a gun range after a 2 hour family shootout. Compromise.
Religion is a touchy subject, but I would rather be with someone with similar religious beliefs. It makes things easier.
A better question would be what if one partner loses their faith for whatever reason, be it through trauma or just waking up thinking "I just don't believe anymore"?
Hopefully the relationship is mature enough and based in enough love tgat both sides could work through it. You shouldn't have to ever give up being who you are.
It is hard for me to discuss this because of the word religion because their is truly a difference between a faith and a religion. But I will speak about my faith, which is a follower Jesus. It is not a hobby...he is the center of my life. In truth, I am married to Him. Therefore, in order to remain faithfull to him, it is my duty to lead my family in his ways, which includes my wife.
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