View Full Version : My New Favorite Douchebag - The Fundamentalist Drug Addict....
Now I'm not talking about the pothead who gets high and ponders Jesus, the nature of the Tao or the possibility that there really might be a Flying Spaghetti Monster. This guy has been with us for decades and so long as he confines his antics to his property and I don't have to smell his second hand smoke I could literally not care.
But seems a new douche has evolved, because nature combined with the elimination of natural selection can be a cruel bitch. And this new douche combines all of the worst elements of the serious substance abuser and the knock on your door when you are trying to sleep religious fanatic.
The Fundamentalist Drug Addict seems to be the demon spawn of various substance abuse / recovery programs which have at their core the following tenets.
1. It's not your fault. You are actually the victim of a "condition / disease."
2. You can't control your fate, due to your "condition / disease" and must recognize a higher power and put all of your faith in that belief.
3. You are saved. Doesn't matter what kind of crap you did, do or will do, so long as you believe, you are saved.
For the serious abuser of Meth and Heroin, this is great news. Turns out they aren't asshole pieces of human shit after all. They are poor unfortunates who had this terrible thing happen to them and if they say the magic words it doesn't matter what they have done or to whom, they magically become saved...and better than most people.
Even worse, in my experience the Fundamentalist Drug Addict typically falls into two categories:
1. Those still habitually using serious drugs but practicing certain elements of religion and thus considering themselves saved and protected despite their continued drug use.
2. Those who have done so many hard drugs that they are forever impaired and will never be a normal person. They don't have the remaining brain capacity to have a normal conversation with anyone about anything, but somehow they managed to learn every bit of rules 1-3 and explain it to anyone and everyone.
There is a third, much rarer individual, and this is the former drug user who managed to not destroy most of their brain cells and has successfully used adherence to religious beliefs to mostly get their shit together and their life in order to the best of their ability and circumstances. This third individual is exempt from my criticisms and does not qualify as a "douchebag", I honestly hope things continue to work out for these types.
Unfortunately I have come two know the first two variants due to the location of many substance abuse programs which happen to have meetings at the Starbucks next to my favorite pizzerias. In the last year I have experienced the following.
1. People walking up to me uninvited to talk to me about Jesus and then asking if I can "help a brother" and give him a few bucks for a couple slices.
2. People coming up to me uninvited to share their magical powers which they gained from being "saved." This includes all manner of completely inaccurate declarations of who I am, what I do for a living, how many kids I have and what I believe. Often this is followed by a request to "help a brother" and give him a few bucks for a couple slices.
3. People coming up to me uninvited and trying to talk to my wife. I don't know what comes after that, at this point I become confrontational and aggressive until they figure it out.
I have actually had people come up to me and say "Jesus, sent me to you. He told me you were a good person who would help me." I usually tell them "Well I just talked to Jesus and he told me you were a douchebag." Maybe in the divine grand plan, I'm actually an unwitting agent of Jesus and my job is to help them figure out they are being a douchebag again so they can get back on track.
Moose-Knuckle
12-15-15, 03:37
There is a whole host of "Jesus loves you but I think your a douchebag" memes floating around the internet.
They all apply here.
There's this grim side of me, when confronted with the all too familiar "gettin muh life tugetha wif Jesus' help. I be needing to hold some money tho" bunch, where I proclaim that all wealth I divest or claim is a bounty directly hewn from the fortuity of my unholy pact with Satan.
Sent from a Motorola using 10 codes and bitterness
Outlander Systems
12-15-15, 07:32
Just be glad they don't believe that the easiest way to wash away their sins is to cut your head off, or blow up your kid's schoolbus.
There's this grim side of me, when confronted with the all too familiar "gettin muh life tugetha wif Jesus' help. I be needing to hold some money tho" bunch, where I proclaim that all wealth I divest or claim is a bounty directly hewn from the fortuity of my unholy pact with Satan.
Sent from a Motorola using 10 codes and bitterness
Nice...
Seriously, I have a hard enough time keeping my own shit together I'm not helping people who've willingly made a mess of their own lives through poor decisions. If you want to do drugs please do enough that you do society a favor and die in some back alley, preferably before you breed.
I also can't stand the ****ers that bother you at gas stations. "Uh, excuse me, could you help a brother out and spot me some cash for gas?"
If you didn't have enough gas or money to get more, why the **** did you leave your house? (I know they aren't actually wanting the money for gas.)
Outlander Systems
12-15-15, 07:46
I always offer to fill up their tank for 'em...
...Funny...I NEVER get taken up on that offer...
Nice...
Seriously, I have a hard enough time keeping my own shit together I'm not helping people who've willingly made a mess of their own lives through poor decisions. If you want to do drugs please do enough that you do society a favor and die in some back alley, preferably before you breed.
I also can't stand the ****ers that bother you at gas stations. "Uh, excuse me, could you help a brother out and spot me some cash for gas?"
If you didn't have enough gas or money to get more, why the **** did you leave your house? (I know they aren't actually wanting the money for gas.)
I always offer to fill up their tank for 'em...
...Funny...I NEVER get taken up on that offer...
I do the same when people ask for money for food. I've done it a ton and only ever been taken up on the offer once.
Outlander Systems
12-15-15, 08:00
It's sad, because I am serious. I will fill the tank / buy a sumbitch a sammich.
"Naw, man, it'd be easier if I just got the cash."
I'm sure it would be...
I do the same when people ask for money for food. I've done it a ton and only ever been taken up on the offer once.
A few years back I am stopped at a light and see a guy holding a sign, "Will work for food, God bless." Dude looks like a pretty serious heroin addict. So I drive down the road a few miles to a fast food joint and pick up a job application. I circle back around to where the guy is standing and wave him over.
When he realized what I had handed him (instead of cash), well what that man said was not very Christian.
I have actually had people come up to me and say "Jesus, sent me to you. He told me you were a good person who would help me." I usually tell them "Well I just talked to Jesus and he told me you were a douchebag." Maybe in the divine grand plan, I'm actually an unwitting agent of Jesus and my job is to help them figure out they are being a douchebag again so they can get back on track.
Your frustration totally understandable. My peeve is such a person will also tend to have strong opinions about other people, who are going to hell according to them (gays, etc, etc) all the while ignoring the fact they have broken most of the tenets of their religion. The "let he who is without sin throw the first stone" and "judge not lest ye be judged" concepts ignored s they are absolved from their prior life due to being "saved"
I had a land lady who was an ex drug user and deal, ex prostitute, who had kids she'd given up for adoption, who inherited the place I rented, who would tell me I was going to hell because I was having sex out of wedlock. She had been "saved" and, according to her, essentially absolved of all prior behavior. It was I who was on the fast track to hell due to the various girls I had coming and going (good times...) when I worked the door at a club back in the 80s. I really disliked her and dislike people of her ilk.
Those who find religion, and it really helps them to get their lives straightened out, and they don't proselytize to others about it, I fully support, even if it's not my thing. Those like what you're talking about, my example above, etc, can go to hell, figuratively and literally.
I can't get worked up over low quality con men/women.
Religious blather is just their particular con approach.
Where are you that run into these cretins hanging out?
Why not stop going where ever you happen across these geeks, as it sounds like it's a constant bother?
I've accepted that no matter what I do, I'm going to go to Hell.
Like the darkest, coldest godless level.
It gives me peace.
Because I worked with this one doofus. Some big ol fat black guy.
He was sorry and lazy. A call dodger and could've taught Tony Hawk some lessons on skating.
Weeeelll.....he always had this Bible that was huge that he insisted on having in his car along with whatever bullshit T.D. Jakes book had come out (incidentally, I've never seen him actually read anything).
Well he always said "My pastor says...." and would toss out some bullshit that nobody cared about. How he had it going on...blah blah
And one day he says "You going to Hell" and goes on about my pretty Sartrarian attitudes, realism veiled as pessimism, chain smoking, not going to church nor tithing, and some other predilections I have.
I said "You're absolutely sure you're going to Heaven? Like you really know"
"That's right! I got my mansion waiting for me. I'm going to be there for eternity with the Lord. Because my pastor says..."
"Wait. One second. You are assuring me that I am certainly bound for Hell.....nowhere near Heaven, and that I won't be going to Heaven with you?"
"That's Right!"
"Then I am comfortable with my decision." I say and walk off.
Yep.
I can't get worked up over low quality con men/women.
Religious blather is just their particular con approach.
Where are you that run into these cretins hanging out?
Why not stop going where ever you happen across these geeks, as it sounds like it's a constant bother?
To be fair, they tend to be the ones going nice areas
SomeOtherGuy
12-15-15, 08:54
I always offer to fill up their tank for 'em...
...Funny...I NEVER get taken up on that offer...
Until last year I lived in a rural farming area of mostly good people. One night I was waved down on my way home by a guy (white, 50's or early 60's, 20 year old American car, didn't look out of place in my area) who said he ran out of gas and needed some to drive home. I was skeptical, but I was trying to be nice so I went home, made sure I was armed, got a can of mower gas and drove back to see him. Arriving back, he mentioned (hadn't before) that he didn't have any cash to pay me. A couple bucks isn't much to me so I said don't worry about it, he got some gas and I was ready to go. Then he asked me if I could spare some cash. I politely declined. But immediately realized I had been taken for a ride, one way or another. Remember, this is in a rural farm area of mostly long-term residents, mostly good people.
I'm not sure what I would do if presented with the same request again.
I have concluded that the 99.9% of beggars who are scam artists ruin it for the .1% who may actually be down on their luck.
I've accepted that no matter what I do, I'm going to go to Hell.
Like the darkest, coldest godless level.
It gives me peace.
Because I worked with this one doofus. Some big ol fat black guy.
He was sorry and lazy. A call dodger and could've taught Tony Hawk some lessons on skating.
Weeeelll.....he always had this Bible that was huge that he insisted on having in his car along with whatever bullshit T.D. Jakes book had come out (incidentally, I've never seen him actually read anything).
Well he always said "My pastor says...." and would toss out some bullshit that nobody cared about. How he had it going on...blah blah
And one day he says "You going to Hell" and goes on about my pretty Sartrarian attitudes, realism veiled as pessimism, chain smoking, not going to church nor tithing, and some other predilections I have.
I said "You're absolutely sure you're going to Heaven? Like you really know"
"That's right! I got my mansion waiting for me. I'm going to be there for eternity with the Lord. Because my pastor says..."
"Wait. One second. You are assuring me that I am certainly bound for Hell.....nowhere near Heaven, and that I won't be going to Heaven with you?"
"That's Right!"
"Then I am comfortable with my decision." I say and walk off.
Yep.
You are one funny mofo......I REALLY enjoy your posts.....funny and entertaining as hell. You are quite a wordsmith.
I had two homeless vagrants hit me up in the Burger King parking lot yesterday for enough money for lunch. They were both in pretty rough shape. Instead of giving them money, I went inside and paid for their meal. Both were grateful and never asked me for any other money. They were both hard drunks you could see it in their faces; they couldn't even work the drink machine. I told them both there was an AA house a block up the street, and that unless they quit drinking, they had no hope and were gonna die if they didn't change. Whether they take my advice or not, i saw them eat the food (may be the only meal they get that day) and did not get liquor money from me.
Outlander Systems
12-15-15, 14:29
I remembered having a run-in with some homeless dudes one time when I was young and dumb.
I probably would have gone hypothermic, had one of the fella's not given my ass a blanket. I remember being a youthful "hard ass", insisting that I was fine, and the dude absolutely wouldn't take no for an answer.
It stuck with me that someone who didn't have a boot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of, would give me his only blanket. Meanwhile, 35-year-old me knows plenty of folks with enough money to burn a wet mule, and wouldn't piss on me to put out the flames.
It's sad, because I am serious. I will fill the tank / buy a sumbitch a sammich.
"Naw, man, it'd be easier if I just got the cash."
I'm sure it would be...
I use a little more discretion when making such offers, usually results in me having to make a second trip through the drive thru. There used to be some guys in the area that I knew were homeless and / or disabled veterans. Whenever I saw them I always got a sack of a dozen tacos or a dozen burgers and just drove by and handed them the sack. Figure it costs me about $6 and I could usually spare it.
Dist. Expert 26
12-15-15, 16:19
Literally every time I've been to Asheville I've either been asked for money, food or both. The majority of those asking are utterly disgusting hipster kids who choose to be homeless rather than work for a living. My distaste for begging is now so strong that I would probably walk by Lt. Dan and not give him a dime.
I use a little more discretion when making such offers, usually results in me having to make a second trip through the drive thru. There used to be some guys in the area that I knew were homeless and / or disabled veterans. Whenever I saw them I always got a sack of a dozen tacos or a dozen burgers and just drove by and handed them the sack. Figure it costs me about $6 and I could usually spare it.
I like to buy coffee and hot chocolate for those folks who are standing on corners with those 'Mattress Hub Going Out of Business' signs. I just guess which they'd prefer and hit them with it on the way back from where ever I'm going when I see them.
ETA: I am a simple man, I thought this thread was about Rush Limbaugh.
Moose-Knuckle
12-16-15, 03:06
After high school I took an office job for an engineering firm in downtown Fort Worth, one day in the parking lot of my office a clean cut black dude rides up to me on a ten speed. He appeared to be healthy, muscular, etc. not dirty, ragged clothes, or an addict. He proceeds to go into a story how him and his wife were moving across the country for new jobs but they broke down in Fort Worth. They had enough money to get her a bus ticket and send her on but he was still stranded and just needed anything I could spare to help. I replied like I had always done to such solicitation with a firm, "No." We part ways until four years later when I saw the same dude riding the same bike in the area. I rolled down my window and motioned for him to come over, when he was with in ear shot I asked him, "Still looking for that bus fare huh?!" Dude's eye's got big as hub caps and sped off on his bike in the opposite direction.
Fast forward to a couple of years ago, I'm in uniform at a QT in my POV filling up. A twenty something white dude begins to approach me. I hold out my weak hand and tell him to stop and asked what he wanted. He then went into his spiel about how he and his wife were down here from OK looking for jobs and their car broke down (sounds familiar). He explains that they had enough money to get a hotel for the night but was wondering if I could help him out with money to help fix the car. I replied in my usual response, "No." About a year later I was filling up again in the same QT in uniform in my POV and the exact same dude attempts to approach my vehicle. I recognize him right off the bat, apparently he forgot me. I put my weak hand out in front of me and gave him a physical and verbal command to stop and not approach me. His eyes got big and was like huh? I said you may not remember me buy I sure as hell remember you. I told you no the last time and this time I'm telling you to clear out. He responds with "Oh man you don't have to be like that and have some heart blah, blah. I then used some more colorful language that he could be understand the situation that he now found himself in.
M-K,
And that's the treatment ALL these douche bags should receive.
I don't care to parse the con men from the sincerely broke/down and out.
Unless they're legless, blind or in some way halt, f-em....they can eat shit and die.
For years, I worked in downtown Houston and had to run a gauntlet of these miserable, begging, importuning, cretins any time I left the building I worked in. Some even had the temerity to demand a certain amount and a miniscule few put their hands on me, which they found to be a very bad mistake...
Can you tell I hate beggars?
Literally every time I've been to Asheville I've either been asked for money, food or both. The majority of those asking are utterly disgusting hipster kids who choose to be homeless rather than work for a living. My distaste for begging is now so strong that I would probably walk by Lt. Dan and not give him a dime.
NC born and bred. Asheville was a nice place until the early 90's when the libfags came and began to stay.
Phuckin' hate that place now.
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