Wife flipping out about my LE decision [Archive]

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LRS143

09-29-08, 16:32

Master_of_Sparks

09-29-08, 16:49

It may, or may not, work itself out. To tell you the truth, it will depend more on you, than her. Leave your work on the street when you go home. Some guys just can't stop being a cop. Its all they think and talk about. Don't be that guy.

tjcoker

09-29-08, 17:06

I'm going through the samething as you. I work for an LE agency as a Custody Officer in the jails. I am going to begin another academy in a few months to hit the streets... now my wife is "afraid" for me.

They all go through it in some form or another (my old man was a ghetto cop). It may or may not work itself out. The above poster is 100% correct. Let her know you'll leave the job at work, and mean it. Then prove to her everyday that you meant it. Do this and you won't end up like so many of my partners with broken families.

I'm sure it was hard enough for your military comittments on her. Now she might have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and your taking a big fat detour on her. It's going to be hard to make her feel ok about it.

I've been married for 7 years and employed in the jails for 12 years. We have guns and knives come into our "secure" areas. My wife doesn't worry about that... but she does know what my dad went through on the streets. She got used to my Sun-Tues fireman schedule and now she will have to deal with me working all odd hours again soon. They don't like that...

Good luck,

Tim

Mung

09-29-08, 17:19

Well, the divorce rate is high for a reason. A lot of the aspects of the job sucks and it's hard on the family. Don't know what to tell you.:confused:

LRS143

09-29-08, 17:22

Leaving the work at work seems to be the key, or at least the most reassuring to the wives that we can have a relatively normal life.
She has said she thought things would be more normal when I got back with me working a regular 9-5er, and now I'm stirring things up. I've tried to explain that at the end of the day I need to be happy with what I do and my current job is just not giving me that. I was in my element in Iraq and when the work was over I felt good about it. I need that now minus the mortars, rockets, and poorly aimed small arms fire.
Actually... poorly aimed small arms fire is good with me.

tjcoker

09-29-08, 18:29

God, family, country, community... it's hard for many wives to understand that serving the country and community may put their husbands in harms way.

If you have a faith in God that might help some. It's always better for her to understand that a higher power will take mercy on the family one leaves behind... especially while wielding the sword in the name of good vs evil. (I know, corny but it sure helps to think like that when the rules are stacked against you).

As an old divorced cop once told me "You have to devote yourself to the job... your wife can/will leave you, but you'll always have your job if you do it right"

Or you can simply figure out how to balance it and make both things work. ;)

Detective_D

09-29-08, 18:52

The balance thing is the best advice that I have seen. I am devoted to my job, but not obsessed with it.

Thank God, I have never had a problem with leaving work at work. One of the keys for me was having a commute from work to home. That drive home was my time to let go of everything and get in a different frame of mind.

The one thing I would like to add though will hugely depend on your wife. There are some things that happen at work that I just have to get out of my head. About once a year, there is something that I will "need" to talk about with her. She doesnt mind listening and knows that it helps. By getting it off of my chest, it never was a problem.

Now about you not working a 9-5er...I worked that kinda job for several months before I got on with the PD. I know that I was not going to be able to do it without going out of my mind. Some people are made for that kinda work and others are not.

The main thing that your wife needs to realize is that you need to be happy, or you guys are possibly going to go downhill. You will become frustrated with work and then things will not go good at home.

Have you guys been able to sit down and let her know exactly why you are wanting to do this and how it felt to be in your "element"? She needs to know that this is what makes you tick.

I hope this helps a little. By the way, I met my wife after I became an officer. So, problem solved.
~D

ST911

09-29-08, 19:05

Is there an opportunity for your wife to link up with an LE wife to talk about her issues? Spouse's group? This might help before you take the leap.

In the end, if you can't win her over, you may have to change/adapt rather than her.

Your marriage came before LE, and it should remain that way. That's not to say there aren't concessions and compromises. There will be nights alone for her, delayed anniversaries, and missed soccer games. In the end, though, if it's one or the other, choose family first.

An agency can choose a number of people to fill a slot and do the job, but there is only one hiring for the position you already have.

The advice to leave the job at work is sound, and will save you the bulk of health, marital, and disciplinary issues you might otherwise experience. Make LE that job that you do, not who you are. That's not to say that the job won't change you in many ways, but never let it become you. Key to this is having friends and a social life outside of LE.

The job is a blast, rewarding, and important to much larger causes. In the end, though, it's not for everyone.

cohiba

09-29-08, 19:34

A slightly different situation for me as a prosecutor but the talk went like this.

"You knew what I did when we met and how important my work is to me. I would never bring work into our family's life if I could help it but if I don't do it, someone else will have to and I personally cannot live with that."

Unfortunately, the job has creeped into our lives in minor ways (going to the mall is sometimes a thrill) and more significant ways (had the house secured, personal info suppressed and have been escorted to work a time or two) but she is used to it now. What also helps is she also has had some problems at work in the past couple of years (she is a civil AG) and has a better appreciation for the job and what needs to be done.

That said, for me at least, family is first and if it truly gets out of hand, I will find something else to do. What has helped a bunch is hanging out with the wives of the cops that work for me socially and knowing there are others out there who worry too and that there are shoulders to lean on. HUGE help at times. Good luck.

sjc3081

09-29-08, 20:43

Master_of_Sparks

09-29-08, 20:45

andre3k

09-29-08, 21:06

As a retired Police Officer I agree with your wife. Law Enforcement pay is not worth the sacrifice you will make working shifts and Holidays. Besides the people you will be policing don't deserve the benefits of your service. The power and control of the Goverment has exceded the consent of the governed, and you will become a tax collector, garbage man and a babysitter with a gun. Drive a Frito Lay truck make more money and enjoy the holidays with your family.

I've been with HPD for 6 years and unfortunately this aint far from the truth. If you guys are happy now and want to stay happy then dont join HPD. Maybe a smaller agency will fit the bill if you just have to be in LE, but the agency's culture just isn't conducive to family life. I would have been divorced long ago if it wasn't for my wife wanting to hang in there and make it work. If I could do it all over again I wouldn't be a cop by a long shot. You're a payroll number to the City an nothing more. You can catch every criminal out there but when you make a mistake (which you will) they will do their best to hang you out to dry. I haven't met one person yet who will say that a career in law enforcement has made their marriage better. And to think I left a great paying job at Chevron working in IT to do this.

glockshooter

09-29-08, 21:18

My advice is to talk to your wife, and try to come to some sort of agreement. I have been married for for 10 years, and in a LEO for 9 years. I can tell you that you bring undue stress to your family's life being a cop. The hours, shifts, and missing moments will take its toll. The question is your marriage strong enough to survive the stressful moments. I know I came pretty close at one point to losing my family, so are you ready to take that chance? I am not telling you not to give LE a try, just be aware of the possible consequences. I will say I love being a policeman, so I can understand why you feel the way you do. Another thing to think about is pay. You will never make the money you deserve, or need.

Matt

CarlosDJackal

09-29-08, 21:35

Maybe you should sit down with your wife and find out what her concerns really are. In a lot of cases, the real concerns are not so easy to see beyond the reasons that you are given. It may be as simple as you wife wanting to spend more quality tim with you. Or maybe she is raising a fuss because she was not consulted or included in your decision to become an LEO.

As far as driving a Fritos delivery truck instead, one of our full-time Deputy did just that for about 7-years after he walked away from LE work (he literally locked his equipment, his badge, ID and his keys in his issued cruiser - and walked away, later calling his supervisor to tell him that he's had enough). He said it was the worse mistake he ever did. He absolutely hated being a Fritos delivery man - even with the higher pay. He loves what he is doing now (mostly working court and serving Civil Warrants).

I am not a full-time LEO, but have been wrestling with the possibility of becoming a full-time LEO myself (I've been a Volunteer Deputy for almost 8-years now). But this would mean a huge pay cut on my part (I'm talking a cut of more than 60% of my current paycheck!!). So I am very familiar with the siren song that you are hearing.

Good luck in whatever you decide!!

TUNNEL RAT 33

09-29-08, 21:37

welcome aboard ! like its been said law enforcement life is ruff on the family - working holidays , weekends , etc takes a toll . hopefully you can get a steady tour - mainly the best advise i can give you is leave the bullshit at work - talk to your wife - let her know the law enforcement isnt what it is on tv or in the movies . most importantly always remember its just a job ! and there are other jobs out there

geezerbutler

09-29-08, 22:22

Skintop, Sjc, Glockshooter, and andre3k all have honest arguments.

I've never worked for a large city agency and so most of my LE expereince is from a smaller agency point of view.

The pay issue is certainly true. Bigger city , bigger pay most of the time but higher cost of living. So it's all relative.

Bottom line is I wonder how some people I know and work around make it on what they take home, if not on a 2 income household.

Hard to support a family on LE pay and invest, vacation, buy toys , send kids to college etc....

The highest paying LE jobs, where cost of living can be irrelevant (due to COLA adjustments) are Federal LE jobs. After about 5? years just about any GS 1811 (criminal investigator ATF, FBI, DEA, etc...) is making at or near $100K including the LEAP pay@ a GS13/GS14 pay grade.

I would say being a federal criminal investigator is a good bit less dangerous than working a beat in any major city, so with the pay of the federal jobs it's not a bad way to go. You will have to sign a mobility agreement which can rear it's ugly head at the most un-opportune times.

I guess since this will be looked at by other people potentially in the same boat, federal (GS 1811) is the way to go if you want great pay, less dangerous, G-ride, just about the best retirement in the buisness.

There are Federal LE jobs in small cities which can be really lucrative where the cost of living is low and the pay high.

I'm hitting on this mainly because of your military background.

Smaller county & city agencies in my experience are more laid back, which I prefer and in my experience are more conducive to having a family. I've done all 4 gigs, city, county, federal and state.

Once you're in, it's hard to get out and might be difficult if you change careers after 10 years. While LE shiftwork puts you under a supervisor, you're still pretty independent and free. Any other job after a career change will not feel this way and you will wish you were still an LEO.

First of all, someone pointed out the marriage existing before the LE job and yes you need to keep it intact.

Everyone will tell you that your family comes first, but a lot of the ones saying this aren't able to follow their own advice and their marriage falters because their only commitment is work.

This can't happen.

If you lose your (good) marriage and keep your job, what do you have?

Sorry to go all over the place with my response but it's coming from the heart man.

Hope this is a positive contribution to the thought process.

SPARTAN HOPLITE ARMS

09-29-08, 22:22

Hi all. I'm new to the forums but I've been a police officer in NY for over 5 years now. Not much time spent in uniform so I guess I'm still a FNG as it were. Spent several years in hell (i.e. NYPD) and finally "won the lottery" last year with a job offer in neighboring Westchester county. Thank God! Anyhow, I've seen cops with all different types of backgrounds, education, financial situations, political beliefs...etc. I think, personally, that some women will support the decision and some won't no matter what you do. Some guys invariably end up divorced or separated for any number of reasons. Just tell her why you want it. Just don't tell her that, pound for pound in times of peace, LE jobs expose you to far more dangers than you normally would see in the military in non-combat type roles. At least that's what my buddies in the military tell me. "War stories" from the beat can be interesting at times especially for friends who know nothing of law enforcement, but it can get boring. The one thing I have to say though is, if you end up being miserable like I was in the NYPD with all their nonsense, try to leave it all at work for the most part...at least until you transfer out. There's only sooo many times my wife wanted to hear about GUESS HOW CRAPPY MY DAY IN THE NYPD WAS! Good luck and stay safe.

lonewolf21

09-29-08, 23:21

brother ive been in your shoes. ditto for what all the others have said. doing the job is something only another cop will understand. coming from the military, she shouldve at some point realized that your built for certain jobs. and only those jobs will make you happy. i know my wife doesnt usually care to hear about the stuff i deal with, scared mostly i think. you just have to convince her that your induvidual happiness will help out in the long run. or do like i do,"babe, i am a complete badass, there aint nobody who can hurt me"lol. thats a joke.

NinjaMedic

09-30-08, 00:09

I would highly encourage you to consider the Austin Police Dept or the Fort Worth Police Dept if you are dead set on working in a large urban dept here in Texas. That may not be practical for you but you could not pay me enought to either nor work in the city of Houston, just my two cents. Not to mention a cadet starts at 50,000 and a 2 yr Police officer in the City of Austin is pulling $62,900, with a 6 yr officer at 67,300. I cant imagine that HPD can match anything close to the pay and benefits of Austin, couple that with the lower crime rate and better schools in the area, and a relativly small increase in the cost of living, in my mind its hard to justify raising a family in the Houston area. Also, I have worked with very very few disgruntled officers in Austin. Just my thoughts.

DANGER CLOSE

09-30-08, 05:52

while i am not retired and dont have much time in law enforcement (8 years), i can say that the job is what you make of it. much like your time in the military. i regret leaving the military because i was very into it and enjoyed my time both good and bad. i took it as heavily as the oath that i swore. i had a hard time adjusting to civilian life in general and went through a small bout of depression. after getting into law enforcement i felt as if a weight was lifted. my attitude was positive and i never let anything or person get me down. even when dealing with the scum, garbage, and degenerates of society which creates the most awful and vile feeling not to mention the complete negative environment, i always look for the good that is being done and the good and honest people in the community and at work. that is what keeps me going.

sure you have to work rotating shifts and have to work most holidays. there is a lot of stress involved too. i learned to work things out with the family. i work around holidays to my schedule. i work the days off around the family too. the more time we spend together, the better. i involve my wife in what i do no matter what. i always keep her informed, even on the worst days. i might not tell her then and there, but i tell her to be patient and that i will let her know when i am ready. sure i have kept some small secrets, like the 'oh shit, i cant believe i was that close'. they might not like what they hear and even get scared, just keep them in the loop and not out of it. that keeps them close to you. now it has come to the point that my wife has whored me out to the lt on an overtime call. i am the sole bread winner in the family of 5. i live within my means and modestly. most of all, we are happy. i dont need large toys or homes or try to keep up with the joneses. i am good where i am at.

as for the feds +1. your military time counts toward retirement, annual leave, sick leave, etc. pay can be meager at first but does climb at a steady rate. while i may not be an investigator yet, i hope to become one in the future. once you are 'in', you are in. you want to move to another area, even better. to promote up you may have to move out. paid moves are nice. you want to go to another agency within the same department. fine, resignation transfer. you keep your leave, benefits, and most of the time pay (if not more). only place to move is up and sometimes over. dont want to do law enforcement, get another job within the agency or department. there are lots of support positions that can be equal pay and maybe more rewarding. you may not want to come back to law enforcement. my best friend applied to become an agent for the atf. things didnt happen so he came back and got more pay. then he went back to the atf as an inspector and makes the same pay as an agent except he has bankers hours. when asked if he wants to become an agent again, he said not right now, but who knows. the good thing is that the opportunity is there. i remember when a lt from nc state came to work and made more pay starting off than being a lt. now he is a lt over here and making more.

while some people join for the wrong reasons like some of those in the military, never let them affect you. do what you want and be happy. good luck on you future endeavers.

LRS143

09-30-08, 08:22

wow, my brain aches now.
i read and most of all listened to every word written here. thank you all for taking the time to give your thoughts on this. i'll be making the call here shortly and i'm going to treat this first call as a fact finding mission.
replying to a few of the points i'll say this... my wife makes a boatload of money so i'm not as concerned with the pay. i've been building guitars for a few years and i do pretty well so that will continue when i have the time off and no other obligations. we married 3 days before my deployment, but dated for 7 years before that. my wife knows me very well and she knows what makes me tick. she's seen me intervene in situations where most people would walk away or just watch (running into a burning building, taking down an attacker and saving a woman from further injury, climbing into mangled cars to help injured people until ems arrived, etc...). she's knows this side of me all too well so i don't think this decision is a real shock... it's just a shock.

i'll post something after i make my phone call.

Tungsten

09-30-08, 09:36

I'm going to go against the grain here and give you another angle to consider...

If your wife isn't 100% on board and supportive of you from the outset, this will never be an easy road for you to travel. It doesn't matter what the job is, be it cop, fireman, doctor, accountant, river rafting guide, monkey feeder at the zoo, etc. If your wife is not happy and not supportive, you will have a bumpy ride and it rarely gets any easier with time. Rather, resentment builds and tension increases. It's like having a rough dating relationship and thinking that somehow it will get better after you're married. Nuh uh. Doesn't work that way. ;)

Do everything you can now to bring your wife on board with the idea. If she's against it, you need to decide which is more important: Your partner in life or your pursuit of this chosen career field.

As others have said, the divorce rate in LEO work is incredibly high. Any weakness in the relationship now will very likely develop into fatal cracks later. And you're going to be carrying that burden around with you every day on the job, which may affect your ability to keep your head in the game. Being .MIL is one thing. You don't have a choice where your work takes you and your spouse has to come to terms with that (or leave). She may have handled that sort of inevitability a little easier than she will be able to handle you making a choice to go back into harm's way every day.

Give it some more thought and really talk it over with her before making a commitment to a job. Keep in mind that you already made a big commitment to her, and that's the one she is thinking about and weighing this against.

Good luck.

PS: My credentials, if it matters, are two failed marriages and finally a great one. The great one came as the result of learning the wrong way to do things the first two times. ;)

Drummer

09-30-08, 10:04

My .02...

If your wife makes a boatload of money and you enjoy building guitars as a stress-free hobby/business, find a local SO or PD that will let you be a reserve officer/deputy and go that route. You can have all the fun you want with little of the problems because you don't HAVE to be there. If you get tired of it, you take your toys and go home.

After a few ride-alongs you'll figure out which officers you like riding with and suit your personality and then you can hook up with them when they're working and have fun.

Bigun

09-30-08, 10:35

I got out of the military in '06 and I've been drawn to LE all my life as many of my relatives have been in LE. Father was HPD, Grandfather was a Texas Ranger, Uncle was in the Sheriff's Dept., etc...
I didn't have some desk, or supply job in the military; I deployed for a pretty high paced, intense year.
I have decided recently to join the Houston PD and make it a career. Getting a late start, but feeling real good about my decision. My wife dealt with my deployment to Iraq, but hated every minute of it like most other wives. There were extended periods of time when we had no contact and and she was worried of course. Now with my decision to become a LEO she's very upset.

Any others out there dealing with this? She's brought up everything from "you could die", to "shift work means I'll be alone at night". How do I get her on board with my decision? Or do I just let it work itself out?
Anyone? Dr. Phil? Bueller? I hate to be this blunt about it but either she'll get over it or she wont. There's a reason why the divorce rate is so high among Police Officers. Shift work is hard on a family and can be especially rough on young wifes. I got out of Law Enforcement and went to work in a factory and was miserable but the wife was happy with me being home every night. After 15 years I had a opportunity to get back into it and jumped on it now I'm happy but she isnt. The night shift rotation is the hardest for her but my favorite because it allows a lot of Me time.

LRS143

09-30-08, 14:23

thanks; everyone cross your fingers that she can deal with it. if it does begin to destroy the marriage i'll evaluate options at that point in time.

andre3k

09-30-08, 20:05

Just know that you are going into a dept full of pissed off officers with low morale. Trust me, i know. Old heads like your dad look at things different because they they were there in the gold old days of being able to pick any gun you wanted, have choir practice in the station parking lot, and settling disputes with a supervisor with and ass kicking and a handshake afterwards. Those days are long gone and now we are left with a million rules that must be followed to the t , a chief that could care less about its officers, and and internal affairs division with a sole goal of finding something to pin on you. The only guys that seem to be semi happy are the types that have wanted to be cops their entire lives and really just like being in the cop culture. I'm not one of those guys and had a pretty sedate normal 9-5, weekends off life before I became a cop and i miss having a somewhat normal life.

The most important things IMO when joining a PD is finding out what the departments culture is and I guess you really wont figure that out till you work there. A lot of officers will tell you the good stuff and leave out the BS that you have to put up with on a daily basis.

NinjaMedic

10-01-08, 12:47

I think the take away message is even if your wife is ok with it you will not be happy working for the Houston PD and that will have a negative impact on your marriage.

CHOOSE ANOTHER DEPARTMENT - My Opinion, Nothing more.

Sidewinder6

10-01-08, 13:29

thanks; everyone cross your fingers that she can deal with it. if it does begin to destroy the marriage i'll evaluate options at that point in time.

Look around for some of the psychologists who work with agencies. Your going to learn that as an LEO, you fit a particular personality profile.
One of those is that many (most) recruits who are married will under go a personality transformation that is beyond the boundries set in your current relationship.
This is particularly if the spouse is not in a similar profession like say, nursing.

Usually this is going to result in a divorce. The relationships that last tend to be the ones established after an officer meets that person and the boundries are already accepted. Sorry.

BTW- the stress and danger will not come from the dilberts on the street. Thats the fun part.
The stress that will be the most difficult, will come from within the department and the system.

If you take a job she selects for you, you will always wonder what if.
You have to follow your instinct so either way best of luck in your new venture.