M4C Elder Care Support Group

[Diamondback]

In light of how many fellow members also mentioned being caregivers to aging family members, and inspired by our Fitness/Weight Loss Accountability thread, I thought I'd start a similar one for the caregivers among the membership. Requests for advice, funny or uplifting stories, just a rough day and need to vent, I thought it might be a good idea to start a little spot where us who have to keep our families' worlds turning in the "just get the daily necessities done" sense can share triumphs, trials or tribulations and lend each other support and voices of experience.

In my case: my mother, 64, knees blown out and other issues arising from morbid obesity due to the combination of workaholic on the job and couch potato off since about the early 1990s; she's literally unable to stand still longer than 30 seconds or walk more than about 50', which means anytime she ventures out in the world to do anything that can't be dumped onto my shoulders "in her place" I have to go along to push her wheelchair. (Which gets REAL interesting when she has to go into the office due to Boeing's strict "no non-employees except customers/contractors on property for any reason, ever" policy--they don't even like outside police/fire/EMS if they can at all prevent it.) I suspect it was further aggravated by not making time for proper physical therapy and rehab after the bout with cervical cancer, preferring to get right back to her desk ASAP out of some misguided belief that the entirety of (then) Commercial Airplanes IT revolved around her desk because everyone else around her was too stupid to spell their own names right. (An attitude that has only amplified as her old cronies have taken retirements or voluntary layoffs and moved away.)

So, if you need a shoulder to lean on, or advice, or just need to blow off a little steam, hopefully this will be a helpful place.

[OH58D]

This is a great idea. It also sounds like you have your hands full as well.

Technically I am a senior citizen since I'll be 61 in February, so maybe in the future I will be coming here for assistance. I've had two lower back surgeries and two right knee surgeries, but other than that, I am in good health. I am moving all the time, and my mind is still sharp (I think). Being married to a Trauma RN and hospital nursing administrator helps keep me in-line with certain things health wise. I just refuse to stop staying busy. I might add that I neither smoke nor drink alcohol.

My late father (born 1916) used to say this: "We all have to have a few bad habits in life - they keep you from living too long".

[fixit69]

You can bet I’m using that... probably soon

[Averageman]

Everyone here is one slip in the bathtub away from taking care of Mom or Dad for a very long time.
I hope you'll sit down and discuss this with your loved ones before you have to make a decision that will change your lives forever.
When normal intelligent people are faced with these life changing issues a lot of the time it doesn't work out well for anyone

[Slater]

I turned 60 in June and should probably count myself fortunate that I've had no serious health problems thus far. Had pre-diabetes, but brought that under control with diet changes (God, I hated to give up pastry for the sugar-free variety) and lots of walking. High blood pressure is still a stubborn condition that seems to defy Lisinopril but we'll see.

Didn't see myself still handling munitions at this age, but I kind of enjoy it.

[Diamondback]

Everyone here is one slip in the bathtub away from taking care of Mom or Dad for a very long time.
I hope you'll sit down and discuss this with your loved ones before you have to make a decision that will change your lives forever.
When normal intelligent people are faced with these life changing issues a lot of the time it doesn't work out well for anyone

Yeah, I've been stuck at varying levels of doing this for most of my adult life--the bout with cancer that started the decline in earnest was her late forties toward the end of my college years, but you'd have thought having to have her gallbladder removed while I was in high school woulda been a sign that "you need to start couchin' and desk-huggin' less, exercising more and eating smarter." (Keto is contraindicated due to fat, but she dropped pounds fast on a high-protein low-residue diet in prep for and after the hysterectomy--which Her Hard-Headedness refuses to ever do again, she loves her bread and pastries and other starches too much.) I had to carve out a tiny little niche as a freelancer because this has cost me most of the usual resume-builder experience, I'm not sure I could even get on at McDonald's at this point.

[LMT Shooter]

Everyone here is one slip in the bathtub away from taking care of Mom or Dad for a very long time.
I hope you'll sit down and discuss this with your loved ones before you have to make a decision that will change your lives forever.
When normal intelligent people are faced with these life changing issues a lot of the time it doesn't work out well for anyone

If it's dementia you end up dealing with, if you had the discussions in advance, you won't have to wonder, "Is this really what Mom/Dad wants?"

Here's my list of suggestions, in no particular order, to prepare for these situations, based on my experiences:

1- Have the talks, know what they want you to do, both healthcare and financially, when the time comes for you to make decisions for them.

2- Make sure your parents have written wills, including living wills with a DNR if they wish.

3- Do estate planning if there are any assets worth protecting (your parents judgement call to make). Assume that Medicaid will consume all unprotected assets.

4- Make sure your parents have POA's, both health care & property, and have the POA's filed with banks, creditors, etc. BEFORE you need to use it.

Do these things with your adult children, also.

[Buckaroo]

If it's dementia you end up dealing with, if you had the discussions in advance, you won't have to wonder, "Is this really what Mom/Dad wants?"

Here's my list of suggestions, in no particular order, to prepare for these situations, based on my experiences:

1- Have the talks, know what they want you to do, both healthcare and financially, when the time comes for you to make decisions for them.

2- Make sure your parents have written wills, including living wills with a DNR if they wish.

3- Do estate planning if there are any assets worth protecting (your parents judgement call to make). Assume that Medicaid will consume all unprotected assets.

4- Make sure your parents have POA's, both health care & property, and have the POA's filed with banks, creditors, etc. BEFORE you need to use it.

Do these things with your adult children, also.Wise advice, documentation is king.
Knowing your loved one's wishes is peace. Be honest and open about their condition(s). Love them through their difficult times. I provided care for my mother while she was needing someone. My friend provided care for his mother for 9 years as she spiraled down through Alzheimer's. I was called to her bedside in the end to offer comfort.
Blessings to all who are called to this difficult ministry.

Sent from my Pixel 3 using Tapatalk

[Diamondback]

My grandmother was... well, she could be a real piece of work even in her prime, but With Dementia made Before look like the stereotypical "sweet old granny" caricature. It was as if she had checked out leaving an empty shell of a body behind that something else took possession of like a demon.

[OH58D]

I turned 60 in June and should probably count myself fortunate that I've had no serious health problems thus far. Had pre-diabetes, but brought that under control with diet changes (God, I hated to give up pastry for the sugar-free variety) and lots of walking. High blood pressure is still a stubborn condition that seems to defy Lisinopril but we'll see.

Didn't see myself still handling munitions at this age, but I kind of enjoy it.
In my current line of work, you can't afford to get sick and slow down. However, I do delegate a little more. During branding at roundup, you'll have cowboys doing the roping, you'll have cowboys taking the heifer to the ground, then here comes me with two branding irons to sear some hide with our outfit's trademark. I'm still climbing windmills and riding the boundary line mending fences, in addition to training ranch horses.

It could be that one day I just have a massive heart attack and slide ride off the horse, dead as a fence post. It's a much better way to go than lying in some ICU with tubes running out of every possible orifice. In the meantime, I cheat death every day when I mount the hurricane deck of a fast New Mexico Cayuse. It's 1:18am here in New Mexico and I have just come in from some late night work on an electric pump providing water to the bunkhouse. Certainly not a 9 to 5 job.

[bjxds]

A note on the POA. Some financial institutions require there own version of a POA. Check with them to determine what is required before you need it. A lawyer will argue, that the ones they typically draft are binding and must be followed and they can and will take it to court to proof it. That very well may be the case but you don’t want to wait until a POA is needed to test the validity in a court case. POA’ must be specifically written to accomplish want you want. Make sure it does as well as cover medical issues.

When dealing with medical issues make sure you have specific rights to discuss the patients care plan, this includes all doctors, pharmacies,hospitals and any care giver.

Some states require a lawyer to to probate the estate, if it is a certain value, it can not be done the executor. Determine before hand who will handle this. The named executor, or will you hire a lawyer even if it’s not required. A non emotional trusted third party can be very valuable.

Is a trust or will best for asset protection?

[Averageman]

What was amazing to me was the total lack of concern or participation some siblings will have, it will be eye opening to you if you are shouldering the entire bulk of the care both time and economically.
My Ex's Mother has Alzheimer's 98% of the care Mom received was from my ex and I. For the most part all she needed was some Company and for someone to block those channels selling cheap crap on TV.

[Five_Point_Five_Six]

Finding out their wishes prior to needing to make decisions is sound advice. My Mother was healthy, fit, and active when she got the cancer diagnosis. It was stage 4. She did not have a DNR in place, so when she had an unexpected stroke at the doctor's office, they had no choice but to resuscitate her even though they knew her condition. The next few months were miserable for her and it would have been better for her to have been allowed to pass away from the stroke.

After that, my Dad made it clear what his wishes were.

"I don't want any breathing tubes or life support or CPR. If my heart stops let me go. If you come to my house and find me on the floor dying, wait until I'm gone and then call the coroner."

[Diamondback]

One other thing is, if they're any kind of collector (this goes double for us too), have them draw up a plan for disposal of assets--have a document saying things like "this is the latest inventory of my Whatever collection, if something happens to me go to [insert site here] and contact [insert user here], tell them what happened and they'll know how to get best value for you from i."

Which is a little awkward on my wargaming miniatures; those collections, I'd like to find a museum that would use them in some kind of "wargaming as reenactment and learning tool" program.