View Full Version : Four hours to talk to you deceased Father?
Averageman
11-04-20, 12:08
What would you say?
Mine was a career Paratrooper, left the military with some crazy wounds and Don Draper'ed his way in to the upper echelons of communications technology at Bell Labs.
Love to open a bottle of good Scotch with him now.
Steve Shannon
11-04-20, 12:17
It would be terribly difficult limiting it to four hours. He’s been dead for 21 years and nearly every day I think of something I would like to ask.
We watched “Sands of Iwo Jima” last night and I probably have four hours of questions just about that time of his life.
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Coal Dragger
11-04-20, 12:18
Lost mine a week ago, not enough time for me to get past his refusal to address his medical issues.
Spending 4 hours berating a dead man for not taking care of himself and costing his wife and grandkids valuable time with him wouldn’t be productive.
Diamondback
11-04-20, 12:30
My biological father? Nothing. The grandfather who tried to fill that role until his life was cut short, four WEEKS wouldn't be enough.
This is the kind of exercise we all go thru. You would like just an afternoon to sit down with your parents (or significant other important person) to just talk about things.
Whether your experience was good or bad.
Dead is better.
It would raise too many questions and hurt too much.
What they told me while alive is what they told me. If you have kids, tell them what you have to say now. Even if you think they aren’t listening because they actually are.
I was 22 when my dad died 18 years ago. I’ll probably just tell him about my family now, hunting trips we talked about doing before his health went down hill, that I have actually done in the last couple years. It sure would be something if possible.
Straight Shooter
11-04-20, 18:00
Im good. Im gonna have an eternity with him. Wouldnt bring him back here if I could.
I would only have one question, what would you like to do for the next four hours. It would be his time not mine. I might mention a couple things just so he knows for sure how I felt about a couple things, but that would be it.
If we simply ordered pizza and watched his two favorite movies, that would be fine. In fact if I had four MONTHS it would still pretty much just go like that, enjoying the time we have.
My father died when I was 8. He was the oldest of 5 kids, his parents dumped them into foster care when my dad was...9? I'd love to talk to him about his parents, hi siblings, growing up, love to hear his stories about his deployments and time abroad.
LowSpeed_HighDrag
11-05-20, 13:25
Lost my dad when I was 13, I'm 31 now with three kids of my own. Four hours would be amazing, but so short it would likely haunt me forever.
Lost my dad when I was 13, I'm 31 now with three kids of my own. Four hours would be amazing, but so short it would likely haunt me forever.
Like I said in the previous post I was 8 (when he died). I will be 52 on Sunday. Every year my mental pictures of him are getting foggier and foggier. So, I have a lot of pics of him. Some people think it's a little weird but it's important to me to keep his memory alive for my kids who obviously never knew him.
Part of me would be ashamed at how I've taken care of my mother for the last two years as she winds down to death. I wish I was a more compassionate person. But I am not.
MA2_Navy_Veteran
11-05-20, 15:47
My dad's still around, so not much, but my mom on the other hand, What I'd really like to ask her is "How in the hell did she make that lasagna?" I've been trying to reproduce it for five years now without success... :(
Sure miss ya Mom.
G-D blessed with with 2 great parents, my mom died 9 years ago and my dad is still alive. I talk to him multiple times a day.
My mom was way great a strong woman that was a doctor when their were not a lot of women doctors.
She used to introduce me to her doctor friends as her son the oncologist, that has a passion for removing cancer from the world.
She made such an impact on my own daughter it is just wonderful.
She was fond of saying America started going down hill when they gave women the right to vote. Her reason was most women come to decisions through emotions. While she was trained to think before making a decision.
It would be her 4 hours, she spent a life time filling me up with wisdom.
So I kind of knew my Dad was gonna get "shorted" on time and we had already had a couple close calls, so the last range trip I made sure he got to try out an AUG.
https://i.imgur.com/9K3TX1t.jpg
He had planned on buying one back in 1986 but they were $600 and he decided to wait until prices came down. Obviously he never managed to get one on his own. After shooting mine he sad "Man I should have bought one of these...but they're probably what...$1000 now?" That gave me a chuckle.
Also got him some time on an AK-74.
https://i.imgur.com/9HSNRsE.jpg
He was rather surprised at the performance of the rifle with iron sights, "I really didn't think they could do this."
I find this interesting. Both my parents are around. And while I never had a bad relationship with my dad I also never had a relationship with my dad, nor did I ever care. My dad is a good man, as kids he cared for us and about us, he put a roof over our heads and food on the table. But aside from that it was "leave me alone". He wasn't the type to go anywhere or do anything. My mom would have to force him to take us on vacation. I didn't have baseball games with him or fishing or beers or anything really. Aa a kid i bothered him enough (my mom helped) that he signed me up for little league but never once came to the games and almost never drove me. It was always mom driving me to games.
That being said I was always glad he didn't. Now looking back, like him, I had no interest in spending time with him. To this day I don't care for it. Our conversations go something like this...."Hi"..."Hey". "How are you?"...."fine". That's about the extent of our talking unless there's something specific, like this election. Or what car to get mom next!
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Averageman
11-05-20, 20:50
I find this interesting. Both my parents are around. And while I never had a bad relationship with my dad I also never had a relationship with my dad, nor did I ever care. My dad is a good man, as kids he cared for us and about us, he put a roof over our heads and food on the table. But aside from that it was "leave me alone". He wasn't the type to go anywhere or do anything. My mom would have to force him to take us on vacation. I didn't have baseball games with him or fishing or beers or anything really. Aa a kid i bothered him enough (my mom helped) that he signed me up for little league but never once came to the games and almost never drove me. It was always mom driving me to games.
That being said I was always glad he didn't. Now looking back, like him, I had no interest in spending time with him. To this day I don't care for it. Our conversations go something like this...."Hi"..."Hey". "How are you?"...."fine". That's about the extent of our talking unless there's something specific, like this election. Or what car to get mom next!
A switch got flipped early, welcome to adulthood, there you go, sink or swim.
At thirteen he told me that my childhood was over, no more games you have to own everything you do from now on. That stuff blindsided me at the time, but it also opened up a whole new world of stuff to do. He held me to it though.
At seventeen he helped me get a fake ID so I could work construction. We had a falling out and didn't speak for some long time.
I was in Germany when I found out he had passed and that they had already had the funeral.
We would talk about his childhood, his brother that we never knew who disowned the family, his time in the navy, our ancestors from his side of the family, meeting my mom and her side of the family.
LowSpeed_HighDrag
11-06-20, 09:17
I think, losing my dad during my early teens, and then always wondering what it took to be a man/be considered a man when I was younger, I'd just want to talk about becoming men. About struggles and triumphs we both had, lessons he learned being a dad for the time he was, fears and worries he experienced, etc. 4 hours wouldn't be enough to hear his life story, but it might be enough to answer the questions I've always had: did I make him proud, what would he have done in this/that situation, etc. Very interesting thought for sure.
LowSpeed_HighDrag
11-06-20, 09:21
Like I said in the previous post I was 8 (when he died). I will be 52 on Sunday. Every year my mental pictures of him are getting foggier and foggier. So, I have a lot of pics of him. Some people think it's a little weird but it's important to me to keep his memory alive for my kids who obviously never knew him.
I feel the same way. I'll tell my wife when I realize I've lost an important memory, like the sound of his voice or the way he smelled. Things I likely won't get back.m I do have a his funeral slideshow, but I've put off watching it for some time now. When my son (4 yo) and daughters (1 yo each) are old enough to appreciate it, we'll all watch it then.
the AR-15 Junkie
11-06-20, 10:53
Why did you think I was gay? (for the record I am not)
Why did you not love me?
That would be my questions.
the AR-15 Junkie
11-06-20, 10:57
I find this interesting. Both my parents are around. And while I never had a bad relationship with my dad I also never had a relationship with my dad, nor did I ever care. My dad is a good man, as kids he cared for us and about us, he put a roof over our heads and food on the table. But aside from that it was "leave me alone". He wasn't the type to go anywhere or do anything. My mom would have to force him to take us on vacation. I didn't have baseball games with him or fishing or beers or anything really. Aa a kid i bothered him enough (my mom helped) that he signed me up for little league but never once came to the games and almost never drove me. It was always mom driving me to games.
That being said I was always glad he didn't. Now looking back, like him, I had no interest in spending time with him. To this day I don't care for it. Our conversations go something like this...."Hi"..."Hey". "How are you?"...."fine". That's about the extent of our talking unless there's something specific, like this election. Or what car to get mom next!
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Sounds like my dad, was a good provider but didn't give 2 shits about me but loved my 3 sisters.
Why did you think I was gay? (for the record I am not)
Why did you not love me?
That would be my questions.
If that is the case, then the answers don't matter. You were given shitty cards, don't waste your life over it. Tell the dealer you need 3 and make the best of it.
Some of us had good parents, some had terrible parents, some had indifferent parents. Most kids deserved better, but no matter how bad someone had it worse. There are kids who think sitting a day and a half in the back seat of a car while mommy and boy friend are passed out on heroin is some kind of normal.
Seize control of as much of your life as possible and live your life, you own nothing to parents who didn't love you. If you have kids that is your new focus. If all of this is obvious and you already know and do these things then I apologize for stating the obvious.
I had to unass and entire side of my family because they were truly reprehensible people who ruined the lives of everyone they had a relationship with. Thankfully in the end they only had each other and things mostly worked themselves out.
Diamondback
11-06-20, 19:03
I'm gonna side with a lot of you guys for any lost relative who wasn't amputated... only question would be "how do YOU want to use the time we have?" unless requested otherwise.
Sounds like my dad, was a good provider but didn't give 2 shits about me but loved my 3 sisters.In my case I don't think he didn't give a shit. He was always making sure I did homework and was good in school. As a teen I wasn't allowed to be out late or hang around whomever I wanted. When I got my license he gave me a pager and said "when I page you you better call back within 5 min. Don't care if you have to pull over and use a payphone".
Anything else was not his thing. He had no interest in father/son time. It was the same with my sister. I spent more time with friends dad's then my own. Invited to a game or to go camping or something like that. Funny thing is I was never jealous. I kinda liked having that little extra freedom from having a parent around all the time because I always hated being asked about school. Out of sight out of mind kinda. It was almost like having 2 lives. To this day I have 3 different lives. Family, work, personal. And almost never the 3 meet.
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I never met my father. So I don't know.
From what I understand, I am probably better off.
kaiservontexas
11-09-20, 20:35
Sorry for everybody’s losses. My mother died July 6th of this year. I cannot remember her how she was before the strokes. My father is still alive. I would love to spend time with my grandfathers again, but it would be like Styer said with regards going out and doing whatever it is they would like to do, but I think it would be cool to spend time with them as adult. They died when I was a teenager.
Five_Point_Five_Six
11-10-20, 12:53
I genuinely feel sorry for those of you who lost your father's at a young age or had Dad's who were present but unaccounted for.
As to the question, I'd simply sit and listen to him talk about all the fun we had together when I was growing up, which is how the last couple of years of his life were spent. I'd sit and remember those times and thank him for everything he did for us. He was the neighborhood Dad to a few, and I watched them weep over his death more than their own father's.
I only knew one grand parent and she died when I was 5. My mother was the youngest of a very large family.
I would simply tell my Father good bye as he died in an accident in 2011 and never had a chance to say good bye.
donlapalma
11-10-20, 13:22
My dad turned 71 yesterday. We have a good relationship and I feel blessed. This thread makes me want to leave no topic untouched, no subject unvisited, and no moment wasted while I still have my dad. This includes some things that might be hard to talk about. Really hard. Now is the time because there is no telling when he will be taken away from me.
I’d ask why he didn’t care about me. Why I was always told I was bothering him when I wanted to be around him and learn from him. I’d ask how he was alright with not speaking to me for 15 years after I left high school until his death. I’d ask if he ever felt like he wanted to pick up the phone but couldn’t bring himself to do it. I’d tell him that I really could have benefited from learning valuable skills from him, that I’ve had to teach myself. I’d tell him that I think I’ve done a decent job of that, considering. I’d tell him that I suffer from depression and anxiety just as he did, but I refuse to take anything for it and I refuse to let it rule me. Lastly I’d tell him that my greatest fear is becoming like him, and I work everyday to try to stop that from happening. Then I’d flip him the bird as he descended back to hell.
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