View Full Version : I've got a rebel teenage son...advice??
Were you a rebel when you were a kid? Parent of one? Any advice?
My boys are 14 and 17. The oldest is like me (perfectionist), but the youngest is a rebel and will literally stop doing something he knows he has to do if I tell him to do it saying, "Well, I was going to do it, but now that you said it..."
He prefers to be on his own all the time and do the exact opposite of what the family wants/expects.
Could use some guidance.
Adrenaline_6
01-28-21, 07:54
Kinda hard not knowing the details, but 14 and flat out disobeying like that smells of a little monster that has been fed what he wants and now has grown into a bigger one.
I can't say what what will work, but my Dad, uncles, or Grandpa for that matter would have wore my ass out if they saw that happening in front of them. Then the amount of required chores and total lockdown of freedoms would commence. If you take away what he likes and show no mercy until the attitude changes, it usually does. The problem now days is the monster has gotten so used to getting away with what they have been doing, it gets harder before it gets easier. Most parents can't commit to the punishment and eventually give in, just creating a bigger monster. Not to mention that monster has gotten very good at manipulating said parents and what buttons to push to get it done.
Have consequences for his decisions, and follow through with them; good or bad.
That's how the real world works- or at least use to work.
Kinda hard not knowing the details, but 14 and flat out disobeying like that smells of a little monster that has been fed what he wants and now has grown into a bigger one.
I can't say what what will work, but my Dad, uncles, or Grandpa for that matter would have wore my ass out if they saw that happening in front of them. Then the amount of required chores and total lockdown of freedoms would commence. If you take away what he likes and show no mercy until the attitude changes, it usually does. The problem now days is the monster has gotten so used to getting away with what they have been doing, it gets harder before it gets easier. Most parents can't commit to the punishment and eventually give in, just creating a bigger monster. Not to mention that monster has gotten very good at manipulating said parents and what buttons to push to get it done.
Quoted for truth. Old school discipline still works.
The_War_Wagon
01-28-21, 08:40
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/81/97/4c/81974c7ae1de8d9b5249eec729e378fc.jpg
My daughter doesn't wanna go, but I'm thinking of slipping the recruiter an extra C-note, to conk her on the head, & stick her on the bus to Parris Island anyways...
Were you a rebel when you were a kid? Parent of one? Any advice?
My boys are 14 and 17. The oldest is like me (perfectionist), but the youngest is a rebel and will literally stop doing something he knows he has to do if I tell him to do it saying, "Well, I was going to do it, but now that you said it..."
He prefers to be on his own all the time and do the exact opposite of what the family wants/expects.
Could use some guidance.
I don't have kids so will not offer advice. I can say was a real PITA rebel as a kid, and for the most part, things turned out OK. "This too shall pass" as they say.
Have consequences for his decisions, and follow through with them; good or bad.
That's how the real world works- or at least use to work.
The thing is I do that (always follow through with discipline) and he takes it without flipping out. He accepts the consequences but his overall nature is independent and rebellious. If I word things so it seems like it is his choice (timing, activity), it gets done.
The best approach I have used with him is "B doesn't happen until A is done." No video games until schoolwork is done. No tv until room is cleaned, etc.
I will totally admit: he loves me but he does not have a healthy fear of me. (He would never say the things he says to me in front of his dad.) And I don't give in but I do get tired of it all...
I don't have kids so will not offer advice. I can say was a real PITA rebel as a kid, and for the most part, things turned out OK. "This too shall pass" as they say.
Thanks, Will. I was definitely looking for some previous rebels to get their .02.
Just keep doing what you are doing. They will try to wear you out but outlast him.
And switch it up if he's too mouthy. I know my wife gets more lip from some of the kids than I do, but that's not really a problem that I can fix (although I do if I am in earshot).
My son was similar around 14-15 years - while still very good at school, he'd gotten a bit rebellious and mouthy. All the standard things weren't working very well and he had an incident of being a real shithead. You know what broke him? Manual labor. We have a large yard and he was directed to pick up all the fallen pine cones. He came in after 20 min, having cleaned up ahout 1/10th of it, thinking he was 'done'.. I said "No, I meant THE ENTIRE YARD - you can come inside for water or to use the bathroom - let me know when you are ready for me to check your progress again". About 2-3 hours into it, he was about 1/2-3/4 done, was not complaining, so I called him to the house and let him get help from his younger siblings as a 'leadership challenge'. The finished up in about an hour.
My final chat with him was "If you want to be difficult, there is a limitless supply of things to do around here. And if somehow there isn't anything to do, I will have you dig a hole for 2 hours and then fill it back it. And if you are a real PITA, you'll be shown the door at 18 years old with no help. The world needs ditch-diggers....".
Pretty much never had that problem again, ever.
It can be tough with the 2nd/younger child. They get to observe and learn at a different pace so a lot of what you established with boy #1 is out the window with boy #2.
Our boy is smarter than I am and stubborn. He does thing his way on his terms. He wouldn't let me help him ride a bike, but in preschool he taught himself to ride a bike and then had his teacher call us to school so he could show us what he learned. He lives in a very black and white world at times. It's cost him some, but it's also helped him earn other things.
In his middle / early high school days, he started to get a little mouthy with mom and said some things he would never dare tell me. We had a long walk and I explained that while she was his mom, she was my wife and if I ever heard him talk to my wife again that way, the road was going to get really rough really fast. Parenting is a tag team sport.
In the end, we know he loves us both but he's a handful and I pity the college professors and coaches that have him now. He'll work them hard.
Looking forward to seeing what sort of man we raised in the coming years.
Thanks, Will. I was definitely looking for some previous rebels to get their .02.
I was legit rebel, as in statute of limitations level, and much of that was acting out due to chit home life, 70s/80s Brooklyn stuff, etc. They/we usually get passed it. Identifying the motivation for the behavior is the key to countering it in productive manner. There's a reason for the behaviors, and they obviously can't tell you what they are. Maybe he needs an outlet? Maybe something going on he can't/won't speak to mom about, but might to say an uncle or similar, maybe feeling the pressure of this crazy world. etc. Always been that way or is it recently developed? If so, can you get a handle on when? Age wise, goes wit the territory for sure, but still based on something. Could be worse, you could have girls!
I can tell you this much with authority: kids are always testing the boundaries, and they will appreciate them some day, and it's no doubt exhausting to maintain them for the parents. Kids that don't grow up without defined healthy boundaries grow up to be adults without boundaries, and you know where that leads.
He's just testing out, yet again, where the boundaries are as tough age during a tough time.
We are all to one degree or another self centered, self absorbed and a rebel. It's our nature. Make sure to distinguish between sinful behavior and him working out his own personality. Pray for him daily that God would convert him if he is not already. Speak the truth to him in love. Tell him often that sin may have it's pleasures, but it is short lived. That the seeking of righteousness has a lasting joy. Read him a portion of scripture daily, encourage him to read it for himself. Find chastisements appropriate to his rebellion that get his attention. Teach him about reaping and sowing and the consequences of rebellion. Don't ever give up. Pray that God would give you wisdom. Forgive him when shows true repentance. Try not to get angry. Throw yourself on the mercy and grace of God, and admit your own inability to fix another person. Love your son and tell him.
Adrenaline_6
01-28-21, 11:51
The thing is I do that (always follow through with discipline) and he takes it without flipping out. He accepts the consequences but his overall nature is independent and rebellious. If I word things so it seems like it is his choice (timing, activity), it gets done.
The best approach I have used with him is "B doesn't happen until A is done." No video games until schoolwork is done. No tv until room is cleaned, etc.
I will totally admit: he loves me but he does not have a healthy fear of me. (He would never say the things he says to me in front of his dad.) And I don't give in but I do get tired of it all...
Like Rhino mentioned. Your husband should get involved every time he directly disobeys or mouths off and should let him know how it will work from now on. As far as discipline is concerned, the consequence has to be more "painful" to the offender than the infraction, or it never gets fixed. This is totally subjective to the individual. That is straight up human nature.
Averageman
01-28-21, 12:23
My Dad and I were working when he told me that since I was physically mature enough to be a Man, I needed to act like it and put my hard head aside enough to learn. At that point I was no longer free to do as I pleased, but got a list of chores on Monday that had to be done by Friday. Friday comes around and he checks my work, that determined the rest of the weekend.
You have to give them a task that they understand how to do, but is also a bit of a challenge and they have to know how to learn to manage time.
Example; I had to split so much wood, do whatever in the lawn and rake leaves.
I learned that there was no sense in raking first so to plan my work I would split the wood an hour a day on Monday and Tuesday, work the yard Wednesday and Thursday and mulch and bag the leaves with the mower, then check my work and rake the rest of the leaves on Friday.
Planning that work meant if he was checking Friday, there was no sense in raking leaves until shortly before he checked. Plan your work, work your plan became painfully obvious.
That was just an example because by 15, I was rebuilding carbs, pulling stumps with a tractor and working fence lines on horseback. That crap was all on the list.
I was too tired to get in a lot of trouble.
Were you a rebel when you were a kid? Parent of one? Any advice?
My boys are 14 and 17. The oldest is like me (perfectionist), but the youngest is a rebel and will literally stop doing something he knows he has to do if I tell him to do it saying, "Well, I was going to do it, but now that you said it..."
He prefers to be on his own all the time and do the exact opposite of what the family wants/expects.
Could use some guidance.
I was, and still am kinda like that. I hated/hate being told what to do when I already know, especially the obvious stuff. I never got in trouble or did anything to get in trouble for but certain things I had zero tolerance for and there really wasn't anything my parents could do. Sorry! They weren't going to kill me and everything else I didn't care about. Yelling has no effect....it's just loud talking. The military? This isn't 1950 and you're not going to forge my signature or force me to go. Period. And I can dig ditches, mow lawns, pick pinecones, spackle walls, move rocks from A to B and back to A all day no problems, just leave me alone. Which brings me to your second part. I prefer to be on my own too. At his age I would ask to stay home when we were invited to informal family functions. I loved it when everyone left, still do. I'm always doing something and kind of in my own head so I'm never bored or lonely.
There's also the part where he's growing up and learning how to fit into an adult world
Not sure how to help. If he doesn't get into real trouble and takes his punishment then maybe keep doing what you're doing with B to A or maybe rephrase the statement. Instead of "clean your room" maybe "can you have it cleaned by (time frame)?" I did grow out of it somewhat and it is part of being a teenager
Sent from my moto z4 using Tapatalk
TexasGunNut
01-28-21, 13:18
Kids are like a box of chocolates...
We spent all the money we saved for college on bail, bribes and lawyers on my second son. Definitely raised him right; our tight knit extended family contributed at every stage and by all measures we applied the “right” amount of tough but unconditional love. He had lots of great male and female role models. And tons of prayers.
My wife is not a person to mess with. I’ve seen her reduce hard core, East Texas sawmill rednecks to quivering wrecks with a few well placed words. But I and the rest of my male relatives had to remind my son more than once that we backed up everything mom said with muscle. Just something about puberty and hormonal stupidity that makes the best man child as stupid as a democrat lap dog.
It’s exhausting raising a young man that doesn’t care to fit in any predefined box. I supported his rebel side - within our moral/social framework and let him heal his own scars. Toughed out his dropping out of High School and living in his car. Always left the door to home open as long as a sober, well mannered young man showed up. And, most of all, we never never never lowered our standards of expected behavior.
He is now married to a by gosh real live Indonesian princess, has cashed in his first two startups and is by all accounts a man I’m proud to call my son.
As far as I can tell you and Grant have your priorities straight. Have faith, never waiver (at least in front of him ;) ) and odds are he’ll turn out better than fine. Some of us rebels just have to learn the hard way.
Averageman
01-28-21, 14:33
Oh and if you got mouthy, or had an attitude, you might get the dickens slapped out of you.
Nothing wrong with learning the limits.
Better for you to smack his butt than to turn him loose on a world that will do far worse if he doesn't learn.
Black_Sheep
01-28-21, 14:37
My response as a parent was simple but effective, we called it “being Amish”. All electronic conveniences were confiscated and had to be earned back. It seemed like a good way to get my kids undivided attention. The only advice I can offer is whatever you do be consistent and fair.
That said, 14 year old me was a hard case. I ran wild and nothing my folks tried, worked. In the process I learned a lot of valuable life skills like folding laundry, dishwashing, shoveling, mowing, trimming, scraping paint, moving piles of rocks to the other side of the shed, etc... I don’t know if it was hormones or just the way I was wired, but I didn’t care about consequences. That phase of life lasted for several years...
Were you a rebel when you were a kid? Parent of one? Any advice?
My boys are 14 and 17. The oldest is like me (perfectionist), but the youngest is a rebel and will literally stop doing something he knows he has to do if I tell him to do it saying, "Well, I was going to do it, but now that you said it..."
He prefers to be on his own all the time and do the exact opposite of what the family wants/expects.
Could use some guidance.
What do other people think of your son? Do they think he's a nice kid, our of control, headed for trouble?
Is this simple teenage defiance (which objectively is one of the first acts of independence) or something more severe. The fact that your other son is mostly like you is going to contribute to an outcast mentality in the mind of your younger son and that could be a motivator in him trying to assert his own will because he is still trying to define who he is even if he doesn't realize that is what he is doing.
If it's nothing more than behavior challenges, congrats...you have a normal kid. If it's worse than that you might have real problems that need fixing. Also what are his friends like? Are they decent kids who will keep him from going to far or are they a support group for bad behavior.
And here is the big one, what does he do with his time? Could this be covid cabin fever because he can't play sports and the things he used to do?
Like Rhino mentioned. Your husband should get involved every time he directly disobeys or mouths off and should let him know how it will work from now on. As far as discipline is concerned, the consequence has to be more "painful" to the offender than the infraction, or it never gets fixed. This is totally subjective to the individual. That is straight up human nature.
My Dad was actually pretty savvy in this area. He caught on that even if we feared the belt, it wasn't enough to make us THINK BEFORE we did stupid shit. So he made us fix it. Whatever we did wrong, we had to make it right.
Shoplifted a candy bar? Nope, not a belt BUT you are taking it back and giving it to the store owner, apologizing and then you are gonna give him a day of work (which I spent washing windows). THAT I remembered and it really stuck. Store owner gave me crap (mostly joking) for almost a year. "Hey kid if you don't have the money you can wash my windows and I'll give you a candy bar."
Not gonna say I never did anything bad after that, but I did STOP and CONSIDER many times and realized the cost of making it right just wasn't worth the bad idea I was thinking about. Everyone is right about actions / consequences, but if the consequence is just some form of undefined punishment most kids will go far out of their way to simply not get caught.
If they know they are going to have to fix anything they break, they tend to think about it more.
Is this simple teenage defiance (which objectively is one of the first acts of independence) or something more severe. The fact that your other son is mostly like you is going to contribute to an outcast mentality in the mind of your younger son and that could be a motivator in him trying to assert his own will because he is still trying to define who he is even if he doesn't realize that is what he is doing.
Well said, this was me. I read Kerouac and listened to Kurt Cobain when I was 14-16, I didn't realize I was really motivated and driven to get out and contribute. I had to forge my own path independent of the place I was living in.
crosseyedshooter
01-28-21, 16:56
My one kid is about a decade out from being a teenager, but I remember my cousin was rebellious growing up. His dad was a for-real kung-fu master and would beat his students with wooden batons. Well, being used to getting his way, my uncle wouldn't put up with my cousin rebelling and it got to the point that my cousin could take the beatings without shedding a tear and just kept on doing what he did. The point here is that my uncle didn't recognize that his form of discipline wasn't effective and just kept using it. Subjected to discipline without guidance, my cousin didn't turn out so good.
I think structured discipline and/or punishment can only go so far without addressing the psychological or emotional reasons. I would be interested to know why he is rebelling and try to address that instead of the symptoms. For example, does he think he's smarter than you give him credit for and doesn't need to be told how/when to do things? Then, maybe recognition, praise or encouragement may be an effective method. Or similar to an earlier post, try giving him a list of what-to-dos and don't micro-manage unless he fails and recognizes he still has things to learn at his age.
Perhaps he doesn't feel inclusion or shared responsibility; maybe he wants to go his own way and be independent. Does he feel like he contributes to the family or can everything be handled by parents? I was raised by a single-mother and I understood early that she needed me to complete certain chores so that our family could survive. On the other hand, there's only so much he can do at 14, maybe give him a long leash and let him discover himself as long as it doesn't negatively impact the family. He may experience a situation where he realizes the value of a family that supports him and will want to contribute.
If it's the spoiled little monster scenario alluded to by another poster, then sure, there's always the USMC!
Were you a rebel when you were a kid? Parent of one? Any advice?
My boys are 14 and 17. The oldest is like me (perfectionist), but the youngest is a rebel and will literally stop doing something he knows he has to do if I tell him to do it saying, "Well, I was going to do it, but now that you said it..."
He prefers to be on his own all the time and do the exact opposite of what the family wants/expects.
Could use some guidance.
Options:
1.Start by having a long, non-confrontational discussion about trust and working together. Ask him if he realizes that being uncooperative and untrustworthy makes it difficult for you to grant privileges. And that he has to earn trust. Ask him why he's not helping out or why he's breaking the rules.
2. Tell him he's making poor choices in his life, and that when the time comes for the family to do something, or pay for something for him, it may or may not happen. Then stick to it. The relationship has to be reciprocal or he's not part of a "family".
3. If he is not responsive, tell him to sign up for the Marines. Start by taking his F'ing phone away. This is a punishment, sometimes you can't make progress without it. Tell him he might want to sign up for the Military. Which would surely straighten him out.
I've had very good luck with my daughters, who are now 19 and 20 and in College. We have a very open relationship, they tell me everything, mostly do their part, our disagreements are short and negotiated, and we are very close.
However, I was never successful with my older son. I'm sure it was because of the divorce when he was 3, he felt that if he didn't like my rules he would just go to his mom's where she would just berate me and make excuses for my son. Finally, his step father kicked him out, and he came to live with me at almost 17. He just did what he wanted to do, lied, didn't come home on time, or at all, and I caught him selling pot. So I kicked him out. I had to because I had two young daughters at home and my son was creating an unstable environment. And selling pot is dangerous to the family.
What I'm saying, I guess, is that the key to success for me is communications, discussing how the world works, why family is so important, and why everyone must do their part. But it has to start as early as possible.
Ultimately, I felt my job was to keep the family stable and communications open. If there was someone or something that disrupted the family, I had to punish, change, or remove the problem.
The more my daughters gave me reasons to trust them, the more privileges and freedom I gave them in return. The better grades they got, the more freedom they got. If one of them was going to be late coming home, I'd better get a call 30 minutes in advance of their curfew to discuss. If one of them lies (I'm a pro at detecting lies, because I was really good at it) we start at zero on the trust scale.
Its how business and the world operate. Mutual trust, living up to promises, and accepting loss in respect, or punishment when promises, or agreements, are broken. I don't think most kids and parents apply this to the family, but that's where kids learn.
Averageman
01-28-21, 19:20
After I was as tall as my Dad, it was G.D. game on and as best I can tell that SOB was half Neanderthal and 5'8".
I was building a porch with my Dad, he was calling measurements, I was cutting boards as he called them out. I was supposed to be writing them down and not cutting yet, but I was both writing them down and cutting them. I was ahead of him as I didn't have to move a ladder.
After two measurements and a half a second later I saw him come off that ladder in two leaps he was in my face and man was he pissed. Now as a little background, my Dad was kept in lockdown in San Diego County for attempted murder in a fist fight. he never avoided a fight (and was kicking ass in bar fights until five years before he died)
But he was nuts.
He came off that ladder like lightening and man was he ready to fight. I picked up a scrap a scrap of 2x4 by about 3' and was ready to defend myself. He told me it wasn't going to be like that and put the board down. I thought long and hard about it and dropped it. He punched me in the chest at his 75% and called me a dumbass for dropping my board and went back up his ladder.
So I learned to take a punch, my brother learned to talk to crazy (He's a Deputy Sherriff now and I'm sure that is handy) and my Sister refuses to talk about it. Mom, well, she got the hell out of Dodge and took us all with her.
Love you Mom.
the lesson here is an ass beating isn't always the answer, but never out of the question.
vicious_cb
01-28-21, 19:29
Have you tried karate lessons?
https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fcdn.shopify.com%2Fs%2Ffiles%2F1%2F1685%2F2975%2Fproducts%2FCobra_Kai.jpg%3Fv%3D1508780630&f=1&nofb=1
I can’t speak from experience, but perhaps a little observation. It is dark, but true.
My youngest brother loved my mom, but he treated her like crap. At times. He knew it, he sometimes hated himself for it, but he knew he could get away with it, because she loved him. Now, she just misses him. There was a selfishness there from him, though he loved her, too.
Looking back, having a healthy fear of Dad, as another said “tag team,” is where I think things could have been different. If he is still a young teenager, edit: “don’t” just take the abuse/talking back from him. He has to know now that it isn’t OK. It will help him later.
Also, Wild At Heart by John Eldredge is required reading in my mind for parents of male children. I find it enables both the rule following eldest and the rebellious youngest in positive ways, and parents can benefit from his perspective.
TheAlsatian
01-29-21, 05:45
I was not but our daughter sure was from 15 on. Drove wife and I nuts with worry...she is a doctor now.
FromMyColdDeadHand
01-29-21, 09:58
It seems that maybe the relationship with the older son doesn't give the younger son a way to be different and 'good'. It happens a lot in my extended family. First kid gets more attention, does better in school and is less of an issue. Middle or later boys just don't match up- especially if they are 3 or so years younger- close enough to be a 'peer' but at a maturity and capability disadvantage. I think that is common, the first Mercury astronuts were all fist borne. The second one is screwed. If the first is a good kid, the issue is why the second one isn't as good. IF the first is difficult, the second is assumed to be the same way.
I seriously contemplated that my son may be possessed when he was 3-5. After that it was normal, but literally at 13, sweet Jesus. Nothing horrible to other people, but mouthy and disrespectful to us. Nothing like a 13 yo that argues with you over his 7th grade math. Dude, you are wrong, listen to us and move onto the next question. I did play a 'thought exercise' with him I called "What my Dad would have done if I had said that to my mother". Not saying that my Dad beat me or anything, but at some point it was made perfectly clear that even 'full size', my Dad was fully capable of putting me my place post haste. (That 20 years later I had to break up a fight between him and one of his brothers by manhandling both of them by the scuff of the necks is a funny bookend.). But I think there is some reality to a kind of Jordan Peterson kind of psychology that a teenage son needs to know that a father can and will put him in his place- that there are boundaries that should not be crossed. Again, not saying beat your kids, but a son has to know that it could happen. Obviously, if they are largely behaving in public, they know how to act. They are just being defiant. If that is a step towards independence, good. If it a general willingness not to play well with others, not so good.
Son is 16 now and getting better. I tell him so. I ride his ass hard when he screws up or slacks off. When he does something right I lavish praise on him and brag about him. I think you have to do both. Don't blow up though. Actually, when I'm most calm after a screw up is when he knows he's in the most trouble.
My little brother was a a complete shit head as a kid. Constantly in trouble. Mooned the principal in 5th grade. More drugs than I care to know about. Did donuts on the neighbors lawn. He turned out OK. He is still the 'cool uncle' who makes poor choices and he ended up in sales, but he has his stuff together.
One final thing that I want to pass along that someone passed along to me. When you kids are in that 7-11 age when they are fairly compliant and rule following, tell them on a regular basis (and make them repeat back) that while you (the parent) may seem normal right now, in a few years you (the kid) are going to think that I, the parent, are the biggest, nosy-est, stupidest and embarrassing person on the planet. It won't stop your kids from thinking it, but it will give them a slight pause- how could you be all those things when you've been warned that as a kid, you'd feel this way.... The guy said it really helped with his daughters. In the back of the girls heads was always the idea that their Dad said this would come to pass. And for most kids it does, when the hit their mid 20s and have to make real world decisions.
LowSpeed_HighDrag
01-29-21, 10:33
My dad was the disciplinarian in my house, my mom was the comforter. "Wait til your dad gets home" was the worst my mom ever doled out. When my dad died in an accident a few days before my 13th birthday, discipline suddenly left my life.
At about 14, I became a pretty terrible kid. Dropped out of high school, drank like a fish, treated my mom like shit, stole money from her all the time, etc. At 16, she told me I could either enroll in the local christian high school, or move out. I said sayonara, but after learning what life was like for an unemployed and homeless 16 year old, I found myself suddenly a new student at Resurrection Christian High School.
The structure of that school began to improve my attitude significantly. I met a good girl there who told me she could not love a man that treated his mom poorly, and all of a sudden I wanted to impress this girl by being nice to my mom (that girl has been my wife for 12 years now and is the mother to our three children). As I started to grow and better myself, I made the decision to enlist in the Marine Corps, where I continued to get that discipline that I so sorely missed out on as a teenager. I left the Marine Corps at 23, became a police officer, and finally grew up. Boy was that a long process to become what I would consider a man.
I don't know the right recipe for helping your son, but a whole lot of love, mixed with discipline, and some BJJ classes, might ensure that once this phase is over he isn't lost to you.
My dad used to say that the pharmacy gave all 12~25 year old kids jerk pills they took every day. Then the prescription stops and they become human again.
I wish you luck, the road may not be easy
From my understanding he fine until you tell him what to do that he already knows he has to. Otherwise a normal kid. Doesn't sound like so punk/monster/miscreant to me. Also prefers to be by himself.
Some replies make it seem like he's running drugs and needs some serious readjustment
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Ready.Fire.Aim
01-29-21, 20:32
Lead from the front. Stay involved. Care without being obvious. Give them responsibly.
You’re never their friend, just a coach and ally.
My dad taught me how to work on machinery . If it broke, I got to do it over.
Learned drywall at 10. Learned wiring houses in high school. Was welding repairs in high school. I mowed the yard and changed the car oil at an early age.
Learned to feed hay and drive at 6. Was skinning catfish and squirrels in 3rd grade and mom cooked em. Then mom taught me how to cook em. I was doing my own laundry and folding clothes in junior high- mom worked full time and said she was NOT my maid.
Make sure you eat as a family every night. Sit at the table and talk. No phones or TV. Even if it’s just sandwiches and potato salad. . Make each boys have a fix supper one night a week. They plan it and fix it. Sloppy joes are okay.
On the weekends, do one chore together. Teach them how to prune bushes, change the oil in the car, clean moms car. They do the work with you assisting.
If you go car shopping, they go with you and listen to negotiations. If you see a banker they go with you. When you go vote, they go with you. Each is a learning opportunity. My dad did all of this , he raised beef cattle as a side business. I sat with him in auctions buying & selling cattle. I had to check the receipt totals and write the checks for him to sign. I sat with him in every negotiation including real estate.
Homework time during the week-Check their work. Have them tell you about it. Ask them quiz questions.
Go shooting .22. Teach them accuracy. Go fishing. Go bowling, etc. Something you’re good at they may enjoy.
Help an elderly neighbor do one fix-it task a month. Or go feed the homeless one weekend. Teach them give back. Church was good for this for our girls.
My parents grew up in the Great Depression and my dad was a WW2 vet. Graduated HS and went to war. Was a roughneck and later worked in a refinery. Both parents took zero crap from kids, they believed in child labor and Responsibilities. Most of my HS teacher men were WW2 vets. It was a different world.
Don’t let them know your frustrated, you are in charge. Good luck sir.
I’ll say a prayer for you and your son.
Straight Shooter
01-29-21, 21:08
BELT FED.
It aint just for weapons.
Wow. I'm reading through all the replies and am super appreciative. Before I address them, I have to say:
1) Hubby has been awesome. When he hears crap, he addresses it. Couldn't imagine how they would be without his guidance and discipline with them.
2) I read the Birth Order book by Dr. Kevin Leman and it has warned me about the 2nd son born within 5 years. It can be very hard.
3) My youngest is in Judo (blue belt), and I asked if he could volunteer with the little ones to get him out of the house more and he is doing that now (starting this week). He has a great heart with them. He also volunteers with 3 year olds at church. So empathetic (even with me before he was a teenager). Makes me think the the disrespect is more of a teenage issue than a long term issue.
4) Older brothers can suck and his older brother is a sport nut and super smart (in college at 15). Unfortunately, my oldest is also a bully to my younger. I work hard to discipline that out of my oldest. Maybe in time it will sink in (twenties?)
5) Both kids work at G&R Tactical (shipping and doing boxes). They are in the real world...kind of. They need jobs where their parents are not their bosses and their mom is not their teacher (they are homeschooled). Oldest has Air Force plans. Youngest wants freedom... (which sounds like military to me, I tell him...)
As I read through your posts, I see snippets of hope, wise advice, encouragement, and kindness. Once I process the replies, I will be thanking you all personally. It really means a lot to me.
I'm alive. Some of my past rebellious decisions have had a lasting impact on my life, but nothing drastic. I am very happily married have two young sons and I am starting my second business. (I've never done well with authority so being my own boss has been my decision since I was about 27.) I wouldn't who and where I am today if it wasn't for everything in my past, so wouldn't change it for anything.
Not much my parents did or said would have changed much. I had my mind set. Trying to make me conform was not going to go well. My wife is similar to me, her mother was very strict with her. Guess what?, now she has many shitty memories of her mother, but great ones with her father. I don't know if that how you want things to go with your relationship? Additionally now she doesn't want to be like her mother and be strict with our kids.
I think one thing could have worked for me. If my parents had 'directed' my rebelliousness. How?, by providing me rebellious role models that are actually great role models. There are many great people in history and present day who were 'mavericks' and went big places because of it. Obviously trick him into reading about these people, don't tell or ask him to. He wont want to on principal if he thinks you want him to. Use reverse psychology here, and quite honestly in general with him.
FromMyColdDeadHand
01-30-21, 11:00
I think the hardest thing to do is not to give them more attention when they are acting poorly then when they aren’t. We see the bad behavior and want to make sure that it doesn’t continue, but I think in some regards sometimes the kids want attention and by acting out they get it. In this day and age, running your own company, with everything that’s going on, I think it’s easy to forget to celebrate or at least acknowledged the days when they don’t screw up. I’m not into participation trophies or anything like that, but I think sometimes for a teenage boy a day of not screwing up is something worth at least mentioning.
Modern society is highly stacked against boys. Teenage girls, and even preteen girls, are disgusting vile little social back stabbers, but they very rarely act out physically. Modern society is abhorrent to physical violence, but I think is the basis for boys to figure out where they Rank order among themselves. I think the small little scuffle that used to happen in the past with boys, that one I’ll get you suspended or expelled, are needed psychologically. Instead we end up pressuring boys not to act physically at all, in this I think Pent up that rage causing it to bubble up at home.
I fully subscribe to Jordan Peterson‘s concept that a true man is a potentially dangerous beast, and that he needs to learn how to curb that. I don’t think you are a complete man unless you know that you are dangerous, and choose to control it. Modern society tries to suppress the first and then thinks there’s no need for the second.
Wow. I'm reading through all the replies and am super appreciative. Before I address them, I have to say:
1) Hubby has been awesome. When he hears crap, he addresses it. Couldn't imagine how they would be without his guidance and discipline with them.
2) I read the Birth Order book by Dr. Kevin Leman and it has warned me about the 2nd son born within 5 years. It can be very hard.
3) My youngest is in Judo (blue belt), and I asked if he could volunteer with the little ones to get him out of the house more and he is doing that now (starting this week). He has a great heart with them. He also volunteers with 3 year olds at church. So empathetic (even with me before he was a teenager). Makes me think the the disrespect is more of a teenage issue than a long term issue.
4) Older brothers can suck and his older brother is a sport nut and super smart (in college at 15). Unfortunately, my oldest is also a bully to my younger. I work hard to discipline that out of my oldest. Maybe in time it will sink in (twenties?)
5) Both kids work at G&R Tactical (shipping and doing boxes). They are in the real world...kind of. They need jobs where their parents are not their bosses and their mom is not their teacher (they are homeschooled). Oldest has Air Force plans. Youngest wants freedom... (which sounds like military to me, I tell him...)
As I read through your posts, I see snippets of hope, wise advice, encouragement, and kindness. Once I process the replies, I will be thanking you all personally. It really means a lot to me.
So I'm not reading anything that screams "bad kid" to me and if anything my biggest concern would be the older brother who is picking on his younger brother. Probably needs a dose of "find someone your own age / own size if you want to fight." I've seen parents pull the "you are the oldest, you are responsible if anything happens to your little brother it's YOUR fault" with mixed results. Sometimes it puts the older brother into a protective role, sometimes it's just one more reason they want to beat up their little brother.
I think the back talk is nothing but him trying to assert himself. Not that it should just be accepted, but I don't think it takes the USMC to teach a teenager how to speak to his parents in a manner that is acceptable. Set and enforce boundaries but realize that not every action is an act of defiance.
Realistically, patience is going to be the only thing, and as somebody who absolutely tested my parents' patience, I can infer that it's rough.
Being put in the 'Amish box' was actually a fairly good experience for me, and made me broadly more appreciative of everything going on, especially as I landed my first actual job earning any of my own money - even though I made way too much for a high schooler to justify, it was a pretty huge leap in understanding that made some things click about why parents behave the way they do.
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/81/97/4c/81974c7ae1de8d9b5249eec729e378fc.jpg
My daughter doesn't wanna go, but I'm thinking of slipping the recruiter an extra C-note, to conk her on the head, & stick her on the bus to Parris Island anyways...
Went straight to the crayon stash... not highly recommended.
More accurately, anybody who can talked out of it should be. The rest will go off into crayola-consuming bliss.
Roxanne,
I suspect your youngest will very much be a candidate for the 'gap year' plan going towards post-secondary education, where them just going out, not having any specific goals other than exist and experience things, would actually be a solid use of time. Let him develop a plan to be more self-sufficient about it (tiny house, backpacking, whatever), but just getting out to the real world to see what it's all about and not being reliant on others is probably what he wants, and experiencing that will be the very positive experience to appreciate everything else, and then provide perspective on what he wants to do next. Might not be what you expect, but it might be a passion to pursue what you think would be best for them (but it can't come from you)... but that's what eventually worked best for most of my cousins, and I feel like a large portion of that was also what worked well for me out of the military experience to come back and actually approach higher education from a perspective beyond my own sphincter.
I was an absolute beast of a kid teenager, and my parents were amazingly patient. Therefore I was a little more aggressive with my kids. However, "this too will pass".
You can always try to sit down and ask him why he acts the way he acts? Make him answer, drill down into his behavior. Ask him if he wants his children in the future to treat him this way. Ask him why he is mad at the world? Very confusing times for teenagers.
When you ask a question, make him answer by just shutting your pie hole until he speaks. A good dose of silence is OK.
And tell him you love him, and always will. Good luck.
PB
Roxanne,
I don't have boys but have 2 girls. The oldest would get upset if you just looked at her angrily. The second was our strong-willed child and we new it when she was 2 years old. At 2 1/2, my wife made me read The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson (she had just finished reading it). We implemented what the book recommended and changed the way we interacted with our daughter. We continued it throughout her life and it was really helpful when she was a teenager. When she was 14, she asked if we could go on a mission trip with our church to Orphanage Emmanuel in Honduras. That was in 2008 and we've been going every year since, sometimes twice a year. Both of our daughters worked there for 18 months after they graduated from college. We all believe those mission trips changed their lives and their perceptions. I'm sure there are local missions and international missions that will help him see things differently. The biggest thing is to never give up and stay the course. God bless you, Eric
I am not the best person to offer parental advice, but if both parents are in sync and your son has consistency and discipline in his life, he will come around.
Wow. I'm reading through all the replies and am super appreciative. Before I address them, I have to say:
1) Hubby has been awesome. When he hears crap, he addresses it. Couldn't imagine how they would be without his guidance and discipline with them.
2) I read the Birth Order book by Dr. Kevin Leman and it has warned me about the 2nd son born within 5 years. It can be very hard.
3) My youngest is in Judo (blue belt), and I asked if he could volunteer with the little ones to get him out of the house more and he is doing that now (starting this week). He has a great heart with them. He also volunteers with 3 year olds at church. So empathetic (even with me before he was a teenager). Makes me think the the disrespect is more of a teenage issue than a long term issue.
4) Older brothers can suck and his older brother is a sport nut and super smart (in college at 15). Unfortunately, my oldest is also a bully to my younger. I work hard to discipline that out of my oldest. Maybe in time it will sink in (twenties?)
5) Both kids work at G&R Tactical (shipping and doing boxes). They are in the real world...kind of. They need jobs where their parents are not their bosses and their mom is not their teacher (they are homeschooled). Oldest has Air Force plans. Youngest wants freedom... (which sounds like military to me, I tell him...)
As I read through your posts, I see snippets of hope, wise advice, encouragement, and kindness. Once I process the replies, I will be thanking you all personally. It really means a lot to me.
I can't offer much advice, struggling with a daughter myself. Mainly because I was raised by a drill sergeant and that's all I know. My older brother was perfect and I was far from it. Now I'm the one that has his life together and unfortunately I'm the executor of the will too for my dad. Sucks being the one that has it all together...lol
Girls are a ball of emotions... I'm learning to adjust my tone (wife, daughter and all my employees for that matter say I have a tone issue). I say I'm just talking but apparently not!
Only other advice I will offer is to start them a Roth IRA if they are working in the family business. You can pay them and lower your tax burden. My daughter (12) works for us and I put that money straight into a Roth IRA for a minor. We have investment property and I make her paint, mow, come with me on tenant calls, etc. She hates it but doesn't have the option to not go most of the time. I was able to max out her contribution limit this year and since she doesn't make any more there's no federal income taxes for her since she's below the limit to have to file.
I am the youngest of two boys. I won't claim to be a complete rebel but I was certainly more of a pain in the ass than my brother.
My Dad and I were always (even up into my 20s) quick to get upset with each other, thankfully the tempers cooled about just as quick. Sadly this lead to him an I not doing much together through out many years. Thankfully I could always talk to my Mom I relied on her most growing up. There were certainly times when I did need his help and I must have known to shut up and let him do the talking either it be with school or the law.
I would say the thing that kept me out of bigger trouble was being involved with dirtbike racing. Thankfully my parents never tried to hold that over my head to use as leverage with getting better grades pr anything like that... I think they just wanted me doing something and staying away from drugs and other such crap that was going around at school. It took up a lot of my time throughout Junior HS and HS. If you can find something that he is interested in I would see about perusing that. Maybe when he is in an environment where he is invested in the activity you can use this time to build bonds. Or if during times where he is acting out you can divert his aggression back to a topic that you he will enjoy. If he starts being a pain you can then use that topic to divert in a positive way to get him back on track. Instead of saying "well you can't do X till the dishes are cleaned up!" holding it over his head... instead say "Well I was hoping we could review or practice this after all the dishes were cleaned up... so lets hurry up so we can get to it."
I thought being a teenager sucked... I don't think i really grew up till my mid to late 20s and had a serious girlfriend. And good hard responsibility didn't sink it till I had my first kid, before that I could only really screw up my own life.
We now have 3 kids, all 10 and under. Sure they have times when they act out but over all they are all very good. Hopefully I can handle the 2 boys as they get into and through their teens. As for my daughter... the wife warned me that we should pray she isn't like she was as a teen... I just may be making a similar post to this in about 8 years!!!!
I'm sure everything will turn out okay.
to loosely quote my Dr. "just remember... people way dumber than you have successfully raised children."
My sons get very difficult for my wife if I spend extra time at work. Good father son time calms them down.
I might have some insight to offer. I'm an animal trainer by trade. Behavior modification is what I do. Classical conditioning and operant conditioning function the same regardless of species. One of my wife's favorite things to say when I was working with our stubborn, defiant, difficult, intelligent young daughter was, "She's not a chimpanzee!" I'd calmly remind her that yes, essentially, she is... Working with young apes really did help prepare me for fatherhood!
I have a saying for my dog training clients that may be of use to you Roxxanne: "Dogs will do what you let them." Everyone has heard that dog's just want to please. Nonsense! If that were true, I wouldn't have a job! Don't want your dog to do something? Don't let it. That is where the skill part comes in. Exactly how do you accomplish "not letting it"?
A follow up to that tenant is: "If the leash were in MY hands, do you think the dog would be doing that?" By the time I ask this question, they already know the answer is no. I don't think you need a long explanation of how these tenants apply to your situation. As adults who were once teenagers, we have the benefit of hindsight and life experience. We remember how it felt to be where they are now. This thread is full of all sorts of great ideas that might work for you and your son. I believe your intuition will tell you which ones will or won't work. Being able to stop and think about it, and figure out which way to go is an advantage you have. If one method isn't working for me when training and animal, or disciplining my child, I switch to another tactic. I do this until I get the success I'm looking for. I must be more stubborn and persistent than the child or animal I'm working with. This can be a challenge with my daughter because she is a female carbon copy of me. I look at her face and I know what evil thoughts lurk in her head, because they are my evil thoughts that I had at that age. She is just as stubborn and smart as I was, and eventually she will learn to outsmart me and out stubborn me. When she reaches the point where she can snatch the pebble from my hand, she will either go to the dark side, or she will become a productive member of society with lots of skills and insight to offer. I'm hoping for the latter, and god help us all if its the former.
Next training concept: If a behavior is followed by positive consequences, its likely to occur again. If a behavior is followed by negative consequences, it is likely to not occur again. The trick for this one is figuring out what is positive or negative for that living being at that moment in time. It can be confusing. Sometimes a dog barks in the yard even though it knows you will beat it. That negative attention is in some instances better than no attention at all. Same applies to our kids sometimes. If your kid wants to be left alone, for example, and you send them to their room for bad behavior, you've just rewarded bad behavior. It is likely then, to occur again.
I "lost" my daughter at age 12. She tuned us out and got fairly surly. I'd look at her and say: "I want my daughter back". Magically, she came back at age 13. I don't really know what the turning point was, but she learned to manage her teenage angst, disdain and disrespect. She knows the list of what will happen for bad behavior, and knows her father will carry out each an every threat with emotionless efficiency. Maybe she finally realized that she couldn't win with that behavior and like was not going to be much fun for her if she didn't snap out of it. I showed her how easy it was to pull her door off the hinges one day when nothing was wrong. She understands that having a door for her bedroom, and other nice things is a privilege she must continuously earn. Now she's into running and Krav Maga. We use those things to help control and guide her. Her team of instructors is helpful too. She loves Krav and does NOT want to run afoul of their good graces. Does your son have any coaches or instructors he respects? Sometimes those kind of outside people can have a profound effect on a kid teetering on that edge. I had an uncle Danny. Close family friend, not blood related. He was a Marine. He was in BUDs and was a "frogman" in Vietnam before they called them Seals. For our military members, I hope I'm not butchering the names and titles. He didn't talk about it much, so I'm going off of my childhood memories of what he told me. Please forgive my ignorance. Uncle Danny knew everything about everything. He was an electrical engineer after he retired from the Marines. He operated, repaired and maintained all the lifesaving equipment at the hospital where he worked. Docs would call him into the surgical rooms if a machine was giving him trouble. He assisted in more than one orthopedic surgery when pins, rods and screws were being interred into human bodies, because the doctors knew that he knew how to turn a wrench or screw in a screw. He was the most intelligent, competent, and capable human being I have ever known. He never threatened or strong-armed me in my terrible teen years, and I was a rotten little A-hole deserving of a good beating. For some reason he made me want to be a better person just so I wouldn't disappoint him. He was proud of me and he saw potential in me that others didn't. He led by example. He was a male role model for me to follow, and I tried my best to behave in a way that he would approve of. He would find ways to challenge me, knowing full well that I would rise to the challenge. Where I rose to those challenges he was the only person in the world more proud of me, than me. He would just beam. Is there someone like that in your son's life? Its natural for kids to rebel against and reject their parents. Sometimes the best role models are outside the home, no matter how great the parents are.
I wish you and your husband well, and I hope things all go in your favor. I hope you find something useful in my little trip down memory lane.
FromMyColdDeadHand
02-01-21, 07:19
I started reading Bulletdog/Monkeyman’s post and it reminded me of that dog whisperer Ceaser guy who had the TV show- he didn’t fiX dogs, he fixed owners. Now, a kid is infinitely more complex than a dog, and I think being able to talk to kid and use Reason and abstract thoughts is actually a hinderance to more compliant behavior. Heck, most of us have a a hard time getting dogs to ‘behave’ let alone kids.
And totally second the idea of outside people “uncle’s” For boys. You take the direct relationship out with all its complexities and and uncle can have a straightforward relationship unobstructed by headtrash. I’m not a “it takes a village“ kind of person, but I definitely think extended family can be very useful. There is an inherent trust in interest with extended family that can help give a moderation force.
I started reading Bulletdog/Monkeyman’s post and it reminded me of that dog whisperer Ceaser guy who had the TV show- he didn’t fiX dogs, he fixed owners.
My man. I read an great interview with him (never watched the show) and have applied the lessons/techniques in, teaching, employee relations/management, and now child-rearing. I feel less alone now.
Roxanne,
I don't have kids of my own, but I was somewhat of a smart alec and had my moments of deliberate insubordination as a teenager. Despite my attitude, I was a straight A student in honors classes, and a two sport athlete, so I was far from a "problem child". In fact, I think my intellect was the cause of my behavior. I especially hated (and still do) following rules or directives that I knew to be illogical. I never bought into the whole "because I said so" thing, but if I was told to do something and it made sense, I did it. The number one thing that kept me out of trouble was a challenge, whether that was in class, on the football field, or on the wrestling mat. As soon as I was bored, mischief and back talk started.
I can remember a couple turning points in my life. At 13 I broke a desk on purpose in school. It seems incredibly silly now, but I noticed the top was loose and spent the entirety of the 50 minute class loosening it further, until it finally gave way. The next day, I found myself in the dean's office facing a 3 day in-school suspension for destruction of school property. I was certain that I was going to get the belt when I got home, but my dad handled it very matter-of-factly. I was told that I would not have video game privileges for 2 weeks, nor would I have any interaction with my friends, but I was involved in offseason wrestling and that was allowed to continue (this was before most kids had cell phones but I'm certain that would've been taken away too). So my life for the next 2 weeks would be school, practice, homework, bed, repeat. My dad never even raised his voice; his exact words were, "You made your bed, now lie in it." I remember thinking that the punishment was completely fair considering I definitely screwed up, and I was thankful that I was allowed to continue wrestling. Looking back, I think my parents recognized that I clearly needed an outlet. I'm not saying I became an angel after this, but I definitely appreciated being treated as an adult and being accountable for my actions. Aside from a couple silly detentions in high school, this was as bad as it got. I'll admit I smoked weed in high school, but I graduated 5th in my class and never had an encounter with the law, so while I wasn't exactly a model citizen I knew how to toe the line.
When I was 16 my dad and I got into an argument that turned physical. I never struck him, but I definitely won. The result was that I stayed at my favorite uncle's house for a week while things cooled off. Prior to this, the threat of an ass whooping always loomed over me, but after this incident the power dynamic changed. I guess I realized that although I could not be physically intimidated any longer, mutual respect still had to exist. The consequence of my actions would result in me being a burden to extended family members, which frankly embarrassed me. I felt like my screwup should not make it harder on anyone else (however as a teen, my parents didn't really count as "anyone else" because they more or less HAD to put up with me). My dad and I made up fairly quickly, we never had an incident rise to this level afterwards, and we remain very close to this day. I won't say I'm glad it reached that level, but I've talked to a number of my friends who were headstrong teenagers and the majority of them had similar experiences/lessons. The worst outcomes arose from parents who essentially gave up and quit trying to control their kids; these are the ones who, sadly, my tax dollars are supporting.
You mentioned that he doesn't have a healthy fear of you. I hate to say it, but I don't think that's likely to change. I know you're a veteran and likely more of a badass than most of the moms I know, but there comes a point in a young man's life when mom isn't so scary anymore (at least not physically). You said he takes the punishment you give him without flipping out. That's probably because he receives worse from his older brother when you and Grant aren't around. While I can understand that's frustrating on your end, it's overall positive that he accepts your punishments. I'm not saying Grant needs to fight him, but I think if the two of you remain vigilant this is a phase that will come to pass. It may get worse before it gets better, but all you can really do is apply some of the tough love mentioned in this thread and hope for the best (emphasis on the "love" part more so than the "tough" part, because punishment without direction is more likely to lead to resentment than changed behavior). I've read this whole thread and there's a wide range of stories/suggestions. If you choose to apply a suggestion from this thread, it's up to the two of you to decide what will be most applicable to your son, whether it's religion, manual labor, total loss of freedom, etc. I have no idea what it's like being on the receiving end of teenage angst, but as a young adult I'm thankful my parents cared enough to keep me in line without being completely authoritarian.
Roxanne,
As I scan through all the responses, I see a variety of interesting advice and encouragement from many kind and well-intentioned folks. However, none of them get to the heart of the matter (pun intended). As professing Christians, you and Grant know that what really matters is the heart, rather than outward appearances or behaviors. Many parents focus on getting the intended behavioral response rather than doing the hard work of digging down into the root attitudes and motivations. The result can be a child who is outwardly compliant, but inwardly seething--a hypocrite, a Pharisee. Like a mausoleum, beautiful on the outside, but on the inside, filled with a dead, rotting corpse.
The only hope for rebel sinners like your son--and the rest of us--is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, many church-goers and self-proclaimed Christians don't even really understand the Gospel. Forgive me if I am telling you what you already know, but for the sake of others reading this, the word "gospel" is Greek for good news. But to truly understand and appreciate why we call it good news, you have to understand the bad news. Due to Adam's disobedience, the entire human race has fallen into sin and is under the righteous wrath of God. We are all rebels, unwilling to submit to God's rightful authority over us, running as fast as possible away from God. We are dead in sin, and being dead, there is nothing we can do to earn favor or make ourselves right with God. But God, being rich in mercy, provided a way to give us new life, a new heart and new desires so than now, instead of running away from God, we turn around and run to Him. He can do this because Jesus came to Earth and lived the perfect life that we could not live, died the death that we deserved, and was himself raised to new life. Now all those who put their faith and trust in Jesus are given the righteousness of Christ and the gift of eternal life. That's good news!
The Gospel is not an optional self-help program to help us live our best life now. It is heart transplant surgery for one who is as good as dead without it. Believing the Gospel is not a one-time event in our lives. It is a daily, even hourly necessity because we still constantly fall into sin. In parenting, modeling is everything. As parents we must openly practice living in the light of the Gospel in front of our children. That means confessing our sin to one another and to God, going to the Father in prayer, and repenting and turning away from sin. It also means actively pursuing righteousness, not to earn God's favor, but because we have been given God's favor through the merit of Christ. That includes making disciples, first and foremost, of our children. Though we are not ultimately responsible for their eternal destination, we are responsible to be faithful in helping them see their sin, how it separates them from God, and how God has provided a way through Jesus to be reconciled to Himself. Of course, the source of our power is in prayer to our great and loving Father who promised that the Holy Spirit would guide us into all truth.
There are several good books on Gospel-centered parenting. Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp is the classic. Two other good ones are: Family Driven Faith: Doing What It Takes to Raise Sons and Daughters Who Walk with God by Voddie Baucham (amazing guy) and Gospel-Powered Parenting by William Farley.
If you have any follow up questions, send me a PM. I don't get around M4C much anymore.
Godspeed!
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