View Full Version : A little Humor
Pages :
[
1]
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
okay, enough with the seriousness and major downers; take a break and show us the funny stuff in life. Keep it clean, hopefully a-political, and something to make another person smile.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/unisex/popculture/9dc9/zoom/
SeriousStudent
01-23-09, 17:12
Speaking of t-shirts, I bought this one for my newest cousin. My brother thought it was hilarious, but the sister-in-law - well, not so much.
http://www.zazzle.com/daddy_drinks_because_i_cry_shirt-235507719352244490
I told her she should be happy I did not send this one:
http://www.zazzle.com/they_shake_me_shirt-235904283596170217
http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/5356/hoperainbowgm0.jpg
I heard Chuck Norris could unscramble eggs.
http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m184/rangeranger44/untitled.jpg
http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m184/rangeranger44/untitled.jpg
Reading it in american english and it's not so funny. Reading it out loud with the Connery accent and it's flat out hysterical. :D
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=264
http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/4185/bearzi6.jpg
Reading it in american english and it's not so funny. Reading it out loud with the Connery accent and it's flat out hysterical. :D
Thats why I love it. I'm a huge Connery fan. While deployed and spending numerous hours on post, I figured out I can do a great Connery impression.
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=264
this is the first time i've laughed out loud while sitting in a room by myself in a long time
http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/4185/bearzi6.jpg
and this is the second time
Rat,
That reminds me of when I was doing a gig up in Nordica (ND). I was between towns and saw something up ahead in the road. It was a road kill badger that was by the side of the road that A.M and someone had pulled it into the center of the road. They added a Cambell's soup can, dark safety glasses and a red and white dowel. As I passed I was laughing so hard I ended up driving off the road. It was priceless.
M4tographer
01-24-09, 18:42
http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c370/ecksjay/misc%20stuff/diplomacy2.jpg
http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c370/ecksjay/misc%20stuff/smile.jpg
have to do these from memory, nor can i take credit for them, but i do enjoy them:
Any ship can be a mine sweeper..........once.
Tracer rounds work both ways.
It is not advisable to eject over an area you have just bombed (airforce manual).
Look unimportant.......the enemy may be low on ammo.
If you see the ordinance specialist running...........keep up with him.:eek:
You have to understand that I have this real problem with stray cats...its not something I am really proud of.
I guess that I am just a dog person is all.
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=265
You have to understand that I have this real problem with stray cats...its not something I am really proud of.
I guess that I am just a dog person is all.
brother, if you knew my ferral problems you'd know you have an ally in me. overgrown furry rats with extra fleas. i call them "crats." i've got stories of epic battles and single combat.
M4tographer
01-24-09, 23:08
brother, if you knew my ferral problems you'd know you have an ally in me. overgrown furry rats with extra fleas. i call them "crats." i've got stories of epic battles and single combat.
I shall heft a brew tonight in your honor. Thank you for your selfless service. :D
It's been a few years since I heard this, so I'm going from memory. If anyone has a source for the original recording, it's without doubt the funniest thing I've ever heard.
One night driving home from the range I came across Loveline, a radio call in show for horny teenagers to ask Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla about sex, drugs, etc. The thing that caught my attention and kept me from switching channels was that they announced they were going to play a long segment from the night before because it was so funny and controversial.
The call from the evening before went like this:
A young girl calls the show. She explains that she is a telephone actress and her audience is hanging up on her too soon. After a few questions, it becomes clear that "telephone actress" means phonesex operator and "hanging up" means the guys are climaxing after just a minute or two on the phone with her. Since she is paid by the minute, it's in her best interest to keep them on the line for a while.
So Adam suggests they do a test run to see what the problem is.
girl: Hello, lover.
Adam: Hey there sexy. Whatcha wearin'?
girl: Oh, I'm just lying here on my big bed with the soft satin sheets rubbing against my black thigh highs and tiny little black thong while I play with the strap of my lacy see through bra ... (and so on)
Everyone on the show agrees that she needs to tone it down a bit. So they suggest that she throw in some subliminal cues to keep the guy from warming up too fast.
Of course, the girl has no idea what "subliminal" means so they explain it to her. Then they try again.
girl: Hello, lover.
Adam: Hey there sexy. Whatcha wearin'?
girl: Oh, I'm just lying here on my big bed COLD with the soft satin sheets RELAX rubbing against my black thigh highs DON'T CUM and tiny little black thong while I play RELAX with the strap of my GO SLOW lacy see through bra ...
Luckily at this point everyone on the show is laughing so hard I don't miss anything while trying to recover from swerving across three lanes of highway traffic due to the lack of oxygen in my brain caused by laughing uncontrollably.
So they explain to her that isn't exactly what they mean by subliminal, and one of the hosts says (by way of extreme example) that she just needs to work in something about cancer or the Holocaust as part of her opening act to cool the guy down. Phonesex bunny doesn't know what the Holocaust is, so they explain it to her.
Then they do another test run.
girl: Hello, lover.
Adam: Hey there sexy. Whatcha wearin'?
girl: Oh, I'm just lying here on my big bed, feeling the soft satin sheets rub against my bare skin, (puts on her most sultry to die for voice) while I think about all the Jews killed in the Holocaust ...
I've never laughed so hard in my entire life.
Mr.Goodtimes
01-25-09, 00:39
You have to understand that I have this real problem with stray cats...its not something I am really proud of.
I guess that I am just a dog person is all.
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=265
i havent laughed this hard since.... last night in the misc section on bb.com.... thanks for the daily laugh bro!
brother, if you knew my ferral problems you'd know you have an ally in me. overgrown furry rats with extra fleas. i call them "crats." i've got stories of epic battles and single combat.
bkb0000,
I used to live in a small town...on the last street before the city limit sign where everyone would go to dump off cats and my backyard was a huge field that stretched well over a mile behind my fenceline. Many calls from me and my neighbors to the local Animal Control went unanswered as it wasn't "POLICY" for them to respond to stray cat complaints.
I decided to take it upon myself to address this problem through the use of a little youth model Marlin .22 rifle and a box of CCI CB Longs.
I knew the neighbors and what pets they had quite well and inside of two months deleted 27 feline intruders from the neighborhood.
One morning I went to my truck to leave for work and found a flyer on my window which looked like a wanted poster. It had my picture on it and said. Wanted ...the Cline Street Sniper.
A so called good friend and neighbor of mine had created it on his PC as a joke....
Thats been more than five years ago now and I have moved into the "Big City" of Springfield Mo...and I have given up the murderous ways of my past. But every once in awhile I find that the index finger of my right hand gets a little itchy when I see those (Scrats) as you call them, running around loose and un-supervised.
I have this T-Shirt I dont wear anymore that I bought out of Varmint Hunters Magazine years ago that says "Take care of your cats or I will take care of them for you."
I share in your struggle bkb0000
http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/4193/technologybp2ol7.jpg
Please pardon the profanity, some things are best left un-edited...
http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/8186/d132cc7285fh1.jpg
Here’s that love line clip on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsnaNu7sJiQ&feature=related
Speaking of stray cats. When I was at Ft. Bragg we lived in these old WWII barracks and there were cats everywhere. One day I notice the lack of cats and even mentioned it to a friend.
That night we had “rabbit” for dinner in the mess hall. Never had it before or after that.
Here’s that love line clip on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsnaNu7sJiQ&feature=related
Dude ... you're my hero.
Just saw this last night on saturday night live, though NSFW because of some borderline lyrics.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7734176173507622519
Rollin Thunder
01-25-09, 19:03
The other day I was reading some threads and came across what I thought was a sig. line.
It was about the 9mm round vs. a .45 A guy got shot with 37 9mm rounds went home took two asprin and went to bed. The other guy got shot in his right pinky with the .45 and it blew his left arm off. Well, something like that.
If anyone has seen it or knows who's sig. line it is, can you post it here?
I would love to answer all these caliber "wars" with that one response and maybe people would see just how ridiculous the entire thought is.
Thanks, newbie BTW great site!
RT
i thought that was BAC's sigline, but he now has no sigline. i could be wrong.
OP, I may need to buy one of those T-shirts.
http://img300.imageshack.us/img300/6627/duelwieldaksxg9.jpg
Those mags are gonna work nice when packed full of mud.
http://img140.imageshack.us/img140/9412/suitabilitytm4.jpg
citizensoldier16
01-25-09, 22:35
http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm53/emtjmd216/wboq2.jpg
someone doesn't like cats????
http://www.reallyfunnypictures.co.uk/animals/pics/25.08.07/tenniscat.jpg
and for those that do actually like cats............
http://www.toddmorrison.com/img/feb07/cat_bra.jpg
and that's as close as i'm getting to "off-color" humor.
Gutshot John
01-25-09, 23:27
A forlorn Irishman walks into a pub and starts to drink himself stupid.
The barkeep concerned about the drunk asks him what's wrong.
"What's wrong? you see all those benches out there on the street? The ones everyone in this shithole sits on everyday...well I made those benches, but the don't call me 'Seamus the benchmaker' do they?"
"No that's true" says the barkeep.
"And those lampoles outside, that guides everyone home in the dark...I painted those poles, but they don't call me 'Seamus the pole painter' do they?"
"I suppose not" replies the barkeep.
"But you shag one goat...."
http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2008/6/29/633502975943249880-dedication.jpg
okay, not really something funny, but it's an excellent site to explore. enjoy
http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/archivepix.html
tried to copy the original file but it was being stubborn, so here's what i got.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
http://florianjensen.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/chemical-women.jpg
and yes....i have a bit of time on my hands today lol
and i suppose there are those theorums that define men also
http://www.gamnes.no/bard_new/humour/girls=evil.gif
at the same time, if we substituted "guns" for "girls", at least there would be a defensible definition to label hdr's as evil.
okay dogs, gotta have some more input for the humor, don't be shy.
https://www.m4carbine.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=1926&stc=1&d=1233916074
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=272
The Redneck Fire Alarm
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=271
lol loved the redneck fire alarm; immediately sent it to others.
some of my favorites
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4j3w1QfV35I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PhQ5gkNiqI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yLSB46_S_A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKOEQVgONh0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAz8B6_XQt0 - little humor from iraq
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PhQ5gkNiqI
That's just crazy. What is happening here? :eek:
I've seen a water main break, but it looked quite different.
its some kind of drainage issue- some kind of engineering flaw causing pressure problems when conditions are just right, is my guess. makes for a freaken awesom-o video, though
lol didn't want to start another thread on humor, so this one was resurrected.
http://www.stickergiant.com/voted-for-that-dumbass_y3978.html
i like this place, has some funny stuff that i can put up at work.
sandman99and9
03-05-09, 07:53
one to start off with.
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/UN.jpg http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/un-peacekeepers.jpg
sandman99and9
03-05-09, 08:13
and another one..........
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/Motivationalposter.png
one more...
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/PRFAIL.jpg
Ghostface03
03-05-09, 08:17
You have to understand that I have this real problem with stray cats...its not something I am really proud of.
I guess that I am just a dog person is all.
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=265
HAAhah that is awesome. I have a huge stray cat problem.
Ghostface03
03-05-09, 08:49
http://florianjensen.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/chemical-women.jpg
and yes....i have a bit of time on my hands today lol
priceless :D
sandman99and9
03-05-09, 09:58
and 1 for all you "crat" lovers out there........
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/FREECAT.jpg
s.m.
Freakdaddy
03-05-09, 12:04
Looney Tunes we never saw on Saturday mornings:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfX08j69oZI
Great poster:
http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g80/Freakdaddy2/m4_sopmod.jpg
my 7yo daughter is a crack up... last fall we were going through weekly worksheets and I spied this little gem:
http://www.forumjpg.com/userImages/104455307732892.jpg
:p
my 7yo daughter is a crack up... last fall we were going through weekly worksheets and I spied this little gem:
http://www.forumjpg.com/userImages/104455307732892.jpg
:p
Good answer! My youngest daughter will turn 7 next month. They are a hoot for sure!!! :cool:
Buckaroo
That worksheet reminds me of this:
http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/shesawoman.jpg
:p
sandman99and9
03-07-09, 13:59
Found a couple more....
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/overkill.jpg
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/dedication.jpg
S.M.
brother, if you knew my ferral problems you'd know you have an ally in me. overgrown furry rats with extra fleas. i call them "crats." i've got stories of epic battles and single combat.
My sister gets so pissed off every time that I remind her that the difference between a Cat and a Rat is one letter.
I hate cats, useless damn things that are mean...I won't cause harm to them (other than eliminating the feral ones...) but I will hate them with a passion.
sandman99and9
03-08-09, 10:51
My sister gets so pissed off every time that I remind her that the difference between a Cat and a Rat is one letter.
I hate cats, useless damn things that are mean...I won't cause harm to them (other than eliminating the feral ones...) but I will hate them with a passion.
You should show her my pic of the free "crat" LOL
She will love it !!
S.M.
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/overkill.jpg
A gun that creates a wake the size of a parking lot sort of puts the whole "9mm vs. .45" thing in perspective, eh?
You should show her my pic of the free "crat" LOL
She will love it !!
S.M.
Oh, I did... :D
A gun that creates a wake the size of a parking lot sort of puts the whole "9mm vs. .45" thing in perspective, eh?
What are you talking about? That picture was taken when some sailors were firing M1911's across the sea.:p:D
CarlosDJackal
03-08-09, 22:00
You have to understand that I have this real problem with stray cats...its not something I am really proud of.
I guess that I am just a dog person is all.
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=265
This i one of y all-time favorites. I actually got written up by my bitch of a (so-called) supervisor for sharing this with the whole office. A copy of it is probably in my Personnel File.
It was well worth it!! :p
CarlosDJackal
03-08-09, 22:06
I just had to throw this one in: :D
http://www.dba-oracle.com/images/not_my_job.jpg
I just had to throw this one in: :D
http://www.dba-oracle.com/images/not_my_job.jpg
you know DAMN well that was one of those, "dude, watch this!" moments. :)
This is just too funny. (maybe inappropriate for some viewers)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMZBwzFtnAI&eurl=http://failblog.org/page/7/
EDIT: Here's another one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KZ2EVIDDbY&eurl=http://failblog.org/page/10/
EDIT: Here's another one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KZ2EVIDDbY&eurl=http://failblog.org/page/10/
Now That's funny:D
sandman99and9
03-09-09, 10:02
I just had to throw this one in: :D
http://www.dba-oracle.com/images/not_my_job.jpg
Hey, thats the official state critter down here in florida. I used to shoot them wth my .22 in the back yard all the time !!
S.M.
A dedicated teamster union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
Some Engrish.
http://www.engrish.com/wp-content/uploads//2008/09/strawberry-taliban.jpg
http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2009/01/please-dont-shit-and-urinate-everywhere.jpg
http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2009/03/prepare-to-get-assaulted.jpg
http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2008/08/healthy-pleasure-juice.jpg
http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2008/10/in-case-of-emergency.jpg
http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2008/08/buy-used-tissue.jpg
http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2008/08/coleslaw-wash.jpg
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? Well, about 185:
* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
* 1 to move it to the Lighting section
* 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
* 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
* 5 to flame the spell checkers
* 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
* 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
* 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
* 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
* 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
* 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
* 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
* 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
* 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
* 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
* 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
* 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
* 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
* 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
* 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glad that M4C does not have this problem (often)....
Buckaroo
the lightbulb has been changed
This i one of y all-time favorites. I actually got written up by my bitch of a (so-called) supervisor for sharing this with the whole office. A copy of it is probably in my Personnel File.
It was well worth it!! :p
Awww really you got wrote up?
I feel kinda responsible for this....maybe we can share the blame. Just give me your Supervisors number and I'll give him/her a call.....
Heres another oldie but a goodie....
Washing the cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.)
CAUTION : Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
exkc135driver
04-06-09, 17:48
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? Well, about 185:
* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
* 1 to move it to the Lighting section
* 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
* 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
* 5 to flame the spell checkers
* 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
* 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
* 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
* 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
* 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
* 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
* 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
* 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
* 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
* 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
* 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
* 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
* 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
* 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
* 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glad that M4C does not have this problem (often)....
Buckaroo
Add ...
*1 anal asshole to check the math and report to the world that the poster is retarded because the total is 179, not 185 ...
* 10 to flame the anal math checker for being an asshole and calling the poster "retarded" ...
* 7 to flame the anal math checker because it is he, not the poster, who got the math wrong ...
* 1 angry reply by the anal asshole telling the 7 flamers how stupid they are because he got the math right (this and the previous step can continue indefinitely) ...
* 1 to point out to those who didn't get it that this reply is a joke ... (although the math really is wrong ...) :D
although the math really is wrong ... :D
The math is too write
NOTICE TO EMPLOYEES
Notice to Employees (Including All Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your Doctors statement as an excuse for your missing work.
We feel that if you are able to get out of bed to go see your Doctor, you are well enough to come in and work.
LEAVES OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERICAL PROCEDURES
We are no longer allowing the practice where our Employees go for Surgery of any kind, but especially with regards to procedures that involve having something removed.
As long as you are an employee with this company you will need all of whatever you have now. We hired you in a whole and complete state and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than what we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be terminated immediately.
Pregnancy
In the event of an Extreme Case of Pregnancy, the afflicted person will be allowed to go the First Aid Room once the labor pains are Five Minutes apart for One Hour to deliver. No longer should be necessary. If this proves to be false labor, which according to the HR Department Statistician is likely in 90% of the cases regarding pregnancies. Then you will have to take this hours leave without pay.
DEATH
It has recently come to our attention that numerous employees have used their untimely demise as a reason not to come into work. As a result of this abuse while Your Death will remain an acceptable excuse for missing your shift. We must insist that a minimum of Two Weeks notice be given, as we feel that it should remain your duty to teach someone else your job prior to...or just after you die.
This new benefit program started yesterday and shall be instituted as policy effective immediately.
The Management
parishioner
04-07-09, 16:09
I went to CVS before a movie to get a drink and saw this.
https://www.extreme-beam.com/vcc/templates/worldwideexcellence/extremebeam/images/offer-image.jpg
I laughed...
I went to CVS before a movie to get a drink and saw this.
I laughed...
I'll be waiting for a review of it's tactical usefulness! :p
Buckaroo
I went to CVS before a movie to get a drink and saw this.
https://www.extreme-beam.com/vcc/templates/worldwideexcellence/extremebeam/images/offer-image.jpg
I laughed...
Darn. Shouldn't have bought my Novatac.
locobombero
04-07-09, 22:12
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=264
:D :D :D :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MApJnyk1PV8
Buckaroo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MApJnyk1PV8
Buckaroo
all those people with their mouths hanging open... hahahahaha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MApJnyk1PV8
Buckaroo
Bet that would induce a flinch!
IRS Audit
At the end of the tax year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of
a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread
wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all
the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete prick'.
Ouch!
Buckaroo
__________________
When I used to live in Western WA I was on my way home from work one evening, and drove up behind a big 4X4 Crew cab long box, at a stop light. The rear bumper was right in the middle of my windshield, and had a bumper sticker that made me laugh all the rest of the way home. Bumper sticker read,
"CATS FLATTENED,
WHILE YOU WAIT"
faithmyeyes
04-21-09, 14:43
The other day I was reading some threads and came across what I thought was a sig. line.
It was about the 9mm round vs. a .45 A guy got shot with 37 9mm rounds went home took two asprin and went to bed. The other guy got shot in his right pinky with the .45 and it blew his left arm off. Well, something like that.
If anyone has seen it or knows who's sig. line it is, can you post it here?
I would love to answer all these caliber "wars" with that one response and maybe people would see just how ridiculous the entire thought is.
Thanks, newbie BTW great site!
RT
I think this is the one:
I once saw a man shot at point blank range 37 times in the head and 14 times in the chest with a 9mm and he was still able to finish the Ironman competition (he only placed 4th, though) and then wrestle a grizzly bear into submission. On the other hand, I once saw a man shot from 75 yards with a .45ACP. The round grazed his left pinky which blew his right arm and leg completely off his body and caused his brain to explode. Then his goldfish died.
Another one I heard recently:
A man who had been having major marital problems came home from work one evening to find his wife packing all her clothes into several suitcases.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asked her.
"I'm moving to Las Vegas. I just found out I could be earning $300 a night for what I've been giving you for free!"
The man contemplated this for a moment, then quietly picked up one of the empty suitcases and began filling it with his own clothes.
"What are you doing?" demanded the wife.
"Hell, I'm coming with you," the husband replied. "I want to see how someone lives in Vegas on $600 a year."
My mind is in the gutter. When I saw this I didn’t think of cars.
http://generalcartridge.net/images/PICT2982.JPG
New show coming soon. Dancing with the Feds
2336
sandman99and9
04-22-09, 12:11
My mind is in the gutter. When I saw this I didn’t think of cars.
http://generalcartridge.net/images/PICT2982.JPG
You mean they work on cars too...................lol
s.m.
sandman99and9
04-22-09, 12:19
Is that his spotter ???
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/Military7.jpg
s.m.
sandman99and9
04-22-09, 12:21
Would this be considered a ' technical " ?
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/militarymight.jpg
s.m.
sandman99and9
04-22-09, 12:23
This one is for all the grunts out there, HOOAAAAH !!
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/Funny-4.jpg
S.M.
dirksterg30
04-22-09, 12:41
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/economy.jpg
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/BarackKoolAid.jpg
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/MartinL-3.jpg
dirksterg30
04-22-09, 12:43
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/hitlerstolenseatya4.jpg
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/pdf.jpg
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/whmeeting.jpg
http://www.granitegrok.com/pix/NRA%20Salesman%20of%20the%20Year.JPG
A dedicated teamster union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
That`s what the teamster deserved. Look for the union lable.
theJanitor
04-23-09, 11:20
http://co112w.col112.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.103/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d35afbf60-617f-4ae3-af4b-e04be972bcbc%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26name%3dQVRUMDAwMDA_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aC900FCBAB41041C5892B74D0F4DB8D25%2540michaelnc9he0m&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.150.8&d=d1150&mf=2&a=01_c1758cbb9bd48b731153c9b13945b5bddc692a14157f7cf3df50cce4fc6e34a7
"wait a minute now, I didn't authorize ATTACKS on the Pirates, I authorized A TAX on the pirates"
SoulStealer
04-23-09, 23:39
This one is for all the grunts out there, HOOAAAAH !!
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/Funny-4.jpg
S.M.
Awesome!
SloaneRanger
04-23-09, 23:41
http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/si_pas_de_babysitter.jpg
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.
You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.
Are you stimulated?
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=372
sandman99and9
05-05-09, 13:27
Ha,ha, good one rat :D
s.m.
Going4Broke
05-06-09, 00:59
This one is for all the grunts out there, HOOAAAAH !!
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/Funny-4.jpg
S.M.
:mad: I knew I shouldn't have backed out of going into the AF after high school. This confirms how dumb a move that was.
Ha,ha, good one rat :D
s.m.
A friend of mine who lives in Texas sent that one to me....:D
My wife is an OB/GYN and her Residency program did extensive surgery including the latest Laproscopic. About a month ago she had a patient go to the hospital while she was on call. She went in to attend to the patient and deliver the baby.
My wife had done several of her ultrasounds and the baby was fine every time. All the fingers & toes, etc. The baby was delivered without a problem. When my wife looked the baby over, she noticed a big problem. The baby had a rare defect and had been born without eyelids.
My wife reacted immediately. She called in the surgery team while she went ahead and circumcised the baby boy. Within 5 min. the surgery crew was assembled. I need to clarify that we live in a rural area and my wife performs many surgeries that would be handled by specialists in other regions.
She had the great idea to use the circumcised skin to create eyelids for the baby. This is a great solution since the baby's body will not reject a self skin graft. She had also called in a local plastic surgeon and together they created the eyelids.
Fast forward to today. The mother and baby are fine. The baby is just a little cock-eyed.
My wife is an OB/GYN and her Residency program did extensive surgery including the latest Laproscopic. About a month ago she had a patient go to the hospital while she was on call. She went in to attend to the patient and deliver the baby.
My wife had done several of her ultrasounds and the baby was fine every time. All the fingers & toes, etc. The baby was delivered without a problem. When my wife looked the baby over, she noticed a big problem. The baby had a rare defect and had been born without eyelids.
My wife reacted immediately. She called in the surgery team while she went ahead and circumcised the baby boy. Within 5 min. the surgery crew was assembled. I need to clarify that we live in a rural area and my wife performs many surgeries that would be handled by specialists in other regions.
She had the great idea to use the circumcised skin to create eyelids for the baby. This is a great solution since the baby's body will not reject a self skin graft. She had also called in a local plastic surgeon and together they created the eyelids.
Fast forward to today. The mother and baby are fine. The baby is just a little cock-eyed.
my oldest son has a minor case of tposis- he is, essentially, a little cock-eyed (one eyelid doesnt open as wide as the other). i use a variation of this joke pretty much any time i explain his condition.. always gets a pretty big laugh.
parishioner
05-06-09, 22:57
How can 1 women simultaneously satisfy 12 men?????
WARNING: DO NOT SCROLL DOWN IF YOU CANT HANDLE IT!!!
http://chicagobearssuperbowl.com/images/12%20beers.jpg
How can 1 women simultaneously satisfy 12 men?????
http://chicagobearssuperbowl.com/images/12%20beers.jpg
ah, there's mine. but what about the other 11 guys?
parishioner
05-06-09, 23:31
ah, there's mine. but what about the other 11 guys?
No strong beer, just weak men, right? :D
How can 1 women simultaneously satisfy 12 men?????
http://chicagobearssuperbowl.com/images/12%20beers.jpg
In some places that would be called "The Mother Load". She looks like she has a look of "You damn well better give a BIG TIP!
In some places that would be called "The Mother Load". She looks like she has a look of "You damn well better give a BIG TIP!
ill give her a tip: dont carry so much beer all at once.
ill give her a tip: dont carry so much beer all at once.
If she dropped those 12 big mugs of beer, would it be considered "Alcohol Abuse"? :eek:
http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z228/pistolwrench19/RP_Posters_Tracer.jpg
http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z228/pistolwrench19/RP_Posters_daniels.jpg
http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z228/pistolwrench19/RP_Posters_fishing.jpg
Going4Broke
05-07-09, 12:08
I love this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRRgEET6Kw
I love this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRRgEET6Kw
I want that to be my next pilot!
Going4Broke
05-07-09, 18:10
I want that to be my next pilot!
Ha! I wish they were all that way.
Cardiac Nurse
05-07-09, 19:19
okay, not really something funny, but it's an excellent site to explore. enjoy
http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/archivepix.html
Excellent site for home school use...thanks :)
Finally a game that I can get into.
http://video.yahoo.com/network/100284668?v=5102912&l=3774740
An e-mail from my mom...
>>> Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...... They panhandle on different areas
>>> of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3
>>> dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives
>>> a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to
>>> spend.
>>>
>>> Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
>>> you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'
>>> Jose says, . 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
>>> Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'
>>> Jose says ' No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars'
>>> Carlos says... 'So what does your sign say?'
>>>
>>>
>>> Jose shows Carlos his sign......It reads, 'I only need another $10.00
>>> to move back to Mexico'. ;)
Not to take anything away from you or the Jews who were murdered but the 20th Century is filled with genocides that were of much higher body counts. I'm posting this just as general education... back to the jokes :D
http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/637/genocidechart.jpg (http://img196.imageshack.us/my.php?image=genocidechart.jpg)
With all due respect, I find nothing even remotely related to the Holocaust to be humorous in any way, even if it may be the stupidity of a 'phonesex bunny'. That event in history is an absolute no-go for jokes, sir, as are many others. I live in Berlin, the next concentration camp (Oranienburg) is less than thirty kilometers from my house.
My grandparents helped German Jews to flee the country. They also had Jewish friends who were deported and then murdered in the most horrific genocide in history-the Holocaust. Maybe for Americans the Holocaust is something far, far away-for us Europeans (especially the Germans ) we are surrounded by our haunting history. Take a walk through Berlin, you'll be surprised and maybe shocked how many buildings of the Reichssicherheitshauptamt (RSHA) and Sicherheitsdienst (SD) there are here. The place where the Holocaust was planned, the infamous Haus am Wannsee is less than ten kilometers from where I am right now.
Like I said, no offense. I take my hat off to you for your knowledge and expertise, Mr. Green, I really do admire you. I do not wish to start a discussion here, this is just my point of view and I believe I am entitled to it.
I liked all the other jokes, however-very much so.
David.
the "holocaust" is a big deal to germans because germans have been institutionalized with war-guilt for almost a century. here in America, nothing is sacred... if you're gonna joke around with Americans, expect course/brash/crude/sadistic humor.
chillax, as my baby sister likes to say.
[QUOTE=bkb0000;374636]the "holocaust" is a big deal to germans because germans have been institutionalized with war-guilt for almost a century. here in America, nothing is sacred... if you're gonna joke around with Americans, expect course/brash/crude/sadistic humor.
I think you are right on the mark. Maybe that's the problem. We've been led down the road where nothing is sacred. I don't subscribe to that view. Some things are sacred. Joking about the genocide of millions plays right into the hands of totalitarians. Joseph Stalin said(paraphrasing) "The death of one person is a tragedy, the death of a million is a statistic."
Wow way to kill the funny thread, let's try again.
Going4Broke
05-23-09, 00:15
Since I am about to get married, a friend thought that he should send this to me....
A guy is engaged to this girl. She is hot, but, her sister is a lot hotter. As the wedding nears and the guy needs advice with stuff, he finds himself talking to his fiance's sister more and more often. He also can't help but notice that whenever they meet up she is wearing the most ****ty outfits he could imagine.
After a week or so, he begins to realize that she is coming onto him. One day in the car, she even rests her hand on his leg while they are driving. The guy starts to have the debate in his head, "Should I or should I not make a move?"
Finally, at the family reunion that is only a month before the wedding, the guy walks into the house to find the sister standing in the kitchen in her bikini after taking a dip in the pool.
"I have to admit," she says to him, "I have this thing for you. I don't know what to do about it but I have wanted you so bad ever since you started dating my sister. I dream about you at night and wish you were laying next to me."
He just stares at her, not knowing what to say.
She walks closer to him.
"Seriously, if you want to have one last fling before you marry my sister, I am game." With that, she took off her bikini top and walked towards the stairs. "If you do want to have one last fling, I will be in my bedroom. Second door on the right."
The guy places his cup down real fast as soon as she disappears and heads for the front door towards his car. When he opens it, he sees the whole family outside cheering for him.
"Way to go champ! You passed the test!" They all scream! The guy, not knowing what to say, walks over to his fiance and hugs and kisses her. The sister appears through the door, fully clothed, and comes over and apologizes for being such a tease and for lying to him. After the commotion settles down, a friend walks over and says, "That was some hella will power you had there buddy. I would have been in her room in a heartbeat and out on my butt when my fiance found out."
The guy turns to his friend and says....
"It's times like this that you are thankful that you left your condoms in the glovebox of the car instead of in your wallet!"
:eek:
:p
:D
Some questions:
> Why is Holocaust in parentheses?
those are quotation marks.. () are parentheses. because i dont like that term. i don't like how whatever happened to the jews got it's own title- THAT title specifically, as though theres only been one "holocaust." it was a big war, 60,000,000 people died, the high estimate is 6,000,000 of those were jews- not nearly so much as to teach school children that the entire war was centered around, focused on, fought for and won for the jews. they were a big story, but a side story, and to spend so much time on the topic subtracts from the sacrifices that THIS country made while over there. how many did we lose? 500,000 young men- to save europeans who would now rather spit on an American than join him in combat. THATS what we should spend the entire 5th grade studying- not reading the entire damn diary of anne frank.
>Who is, in your opinion, responsible for "institutionalizing" the Germans with "war guilt" ?
after the Great War- france mostly, but all european entente nations. after WWII, you mostly did it to yourselves. the world told you what abominable people you were to cause such grief, and you were forced to accept it and be as regretful and remorseful as you could- and to put as much distance between yourselves and the crimes of your country, you recoiled from it, said "we didn't know! we won't let it happen again!" and attempted to take the lead in thought-control, to prevent it from ever happening again.
>Why was my post seen as a joke? I was dead serious, believe me.
I study history and can say that no historian of international significance is buying into the "Gun Control=genocide waiting to happen theory".
what are you talking about? that's pretty off-topic. but i'll bite- you can't genocide a well-armed population. all genocides- all holocausts- have occured against unarmed/severely under-armed people.
And one more thing-taking the Holocaust and putting into perspective is an interesting idea. However, since I have already written several extended essays on the issue, I have come to the conclusion, as have noted historians such as Walter Lacquer, Alan Bullock, Antony Beevor, Guido Knopp, etc. that the Holocaust was a unique event.
all events are unique. surely a lot of jews died- a LOT. it might be unique, but it is not the great crescendo of brutal human violence in our long march toward eternity that it's made out to be. worse was done before, and worse had been done since.
Taking events such as the Guatemalan junta's actions and throwing them in one basket with the Holocaust, especially to promote gun ownership, is in my eyes quite perverse, sorry.
I'd like to say that I have no guns. Here in Europe very few people have guns. And guess what? We don't need them, simply because we live in a society which is safe enough for the general population.
most people in America don't pack guns, and most people in America life long, healthy, boring, unmolested lives. that doesn't mean we shouldn't have guns. if you're anti-gun, which is what it sounds like, why the hell do you hang out here?
My subjective feeling: 'Holohoax' is what some people would like to say, but cannot.
dare me. the holocaust did not happen the way it was taught to me in school, and i'll bet you got an even worse education on the matter, if you went to school anywhere in europe.
Another thought from an American/German: the swastika and affiliated symbols are illegal here. Not in the US. Is that what liberty stands for?
people are entitled to have whatever ideas they want. you can go to jail for speaking out against the holocaust in germany- in America you have the right to question what you're taught.
About me: my father is a Jewish American, my mother is a Catholic German. I was born in 1988. Half of my family and me would have probably lost their lives in the Holocaust.
Sorry if this is off topic, but it is essential to debate this issue, crucial as a matter of fact.
And one closing thought: if it wasn't the Germans/Nazi ideology that was responsible, who was? Neville Chamberlain for his appeasement policy? Josef Stalin for his Nazi-Soviet pact? Winston Churchill for helping the Poles? Vichy France for collaborating?
everyone involved bears their own degree of responsibility. things of this size aren't the fault of any one or two or seven thousand people. i partially blame our own American grandfathers and greatgrandfathers- if we hadn't interfered in the Great War, the germans would have won and everyone would have gone home and nobody would have any desire to fight a war like that again for a long ass time. germany would not have been economically destroyed, society wouldnt have collapsed, and people like hitler and his buddies would never have had the opportunity to rise to power. the keiser would not have done a tenth of the damage to france and britain's economies as they did to germany.
So, I hope no one is offended. I do not intend to insult anyone. Take it with a grain of salt if you are. This is not about ego, but about history.
whose history?
exkc135driver
05-23-09, 08:36
PEOPLE, GET BACK ON TRACK.
If you want to talk about history, fine ... start your own thread.
I study history and can say that no historian of international significance is buying into the "Gun Control=genocide waiting to happen theory".
…
I have already written several extended essays on the issue …
…
I'd like to say that I have no guns. Here in Europe very few people have guns. And guess what? We don't need them, simply because we live in a society which is safe enough for the general population.
…
I was born in 1988.
Let me get this straight …
You’re a 21-year-old student who has written several “extended essays.” So you’ve written several term papers. Wow. I’m underwhelmed. And then you have the temerity to come to this forum, which is dedicated to the AR-15 series of weapons, and admit that you don’t own any firearms and don’t need them.
What are you doing on this forum? There is no place for you here. Go home and stay there.
MODS: DO WE HAVE A POSSIBLE TROLL HERE??
Hey bkb0000,
I've got news for you and this time I won't make the mistake of confusing quotation marks and parentheses...
You're just a dumb ****ing Anti-Semite. Not only that, you're a goddamn revisionist.
Ask World War II veterans, US, what they saw in Dachau concentration camp.
I could smell this coming.
Watch out for%2
zis emoshional outburghst and perzonal attack are unbecoming, Herr Effect.
i responded to your questions and comments with cool logic, and you call me stupid and antisemitic. by simply not accepting the force-fed lies about what actually occured during the war, i am, by default a RACIST? you just showed the european irrationality Americans have come to expect and fear. the very idea that something may have happened in a way other than your government taught you sends you into a frenzy, and you don't think that's weird?
Going4Broke
05-23-09, 17:47
So much for a humor thread, take it else where gentlemen because this is not the place.
Mods, please delete all previous posts that have no link to the subject of this thread.
Ok, here is the joke of the day:
Two women sit together. . quietly.
Can we get a Mod to quite these bickering children down please. I, personally, would like to read some funny @#$* and not deal with this crap.
Here ya Go.
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y287/Jimdo/burglarize-house.gif
I like it.
sandman99and9
05-24-09, 19:28
How about this one ?
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/ScreenHunter_01Jan111231.gif
s.m.
sandman99and9
05-24-09, 19:29
And another one ...........
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/potential-kidbomb.jpg
s.m.
sandman99and9
05-24-09, 19:30
One of my favorite movies ever !!
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/holyjesus.jpg
s.m.
That event in history is an absolute no-go for jokes, sir, as are many others. I live in Berlin, the next concentration camp (Oranienburg) is less than thirty kilometers from my house.
You're certainly entitled to your opinion. You're not entitled to tell people what is "an absolute no-go for jokes." In particular, you might want to take a moment to reflect before assuming that a you're the one with a deep personal appreciation for what happened during the Holocaust.
Now if you want really uncomfortable humor: Last year, I was teaching a class in Canada and one of the students was named Scheidel. You should have seen his face when I said, "Wow, I bet some of your family gassed some of my family during the Holocaust!"
Eh. I thought it was funny. :p
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v116/vtlo910/87660Sometimes-Men-Make-The-Strange.jpg
The one above me is absolute genius! I love it!
http://img41.imageshack.us/img41/3536/bearwarning.png (http://img41.imageshack.us/my.php?image=bearwarning.png)
http://img41.imageshack.us/img41/3999/urinalprompter.jpg (http://img41.imageshack.us/my.php?image=urinalprompter.jpg)
http://img41.imageshack.us/img41/9416/obamab.jpg (http://img41.imageshack.us/my.php?image=obamab.jpg)
dirksterg30
05-25-09, 08:15
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/pdf.jpg
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/2924mmx.jpg
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/hitlerstolenseatya4.jpg
dirksterg30
05-25-09, 08:16
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/MartinL-3.jpg
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/WWFpandas.jpg
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y217/dirksterg30/Humor/PABSTBEER1.jpg
sandman99and9
05-25-09, 12:02
http://img41.imageshack.us/img41/3536/bearwarning.png (http://img41.imageshack.us/my.php?image=bearwarning.png)
That is priceless !!!
s.m.
Now if you want really uncomfortable humor: Last year, I was teaching a class in Canada and one of the students was named Scheidel. You should have seen his face when I said, "Wow, I bet some of your family gassed some of my family during the Holocaust!"
Eh. I thought it was funny. :p
There's no such thing as humor that isn't cruel to somebody. Everything is at the expense of something else. Some folks don't get that, and I sometimes wonder how they bend over with that stick being inserted where it is.
My first defense contract job was working as a trainer for the Expeditionary Fighting Vehicle. Long story short, we spent 4 months @ Pendleton training up 20 Marines to crew the vehicles for an Operational Assessment. I was also still a drilling Reservist, and my battalion was headquartered aboard Las Flores, so I'd show up to work in utilities on those occasions I would fulfill my drill requirements. The students were aware of what I was, and that I didn't consider my presence to be in my "Sgt S******" role, just as a contract instructor. Additionally, my lineage is Italian, on my Dad's side. I'm a good old-fashioned American mutt, but I use my Mediterranean blood as an excuse to crack culturally inappropriate WOP jokes, usually about cowardice, stupidity, body hair, gaudy jewelry, hair gel, or a penchant for instinctively forming crime syndicates (Yeah, yeah that's Sicilian, I know. Who's telling the story, you or me?).
As most of us know, racial, gender, and other forms of otherwise-frowned-upon humor is the backbone of military culture. If any serious effort was ever made to curtail it, the whole organization would implode. Deeds, not words
We're about 2.5 months in; we're in the classroom, kicking some instruction on the Mk44 chain gun. One of the Sergeants was of Mexican descent, first-Gen-type. His wife was no-shit Italian, and they'd been trying to have their first child. Turns out they'd been successful, and that it was confirmed that they were having a boy. Sacred cows making the best hamburger, of course the congratulatory comments descended into crudity. Without even thinking about it, I chimed in, not even looking up from the next lesson's material:
"Mexican and Italian? Your son will grow up too lazy to run away from a fight."
crickets
Dead silence. It hit like an Air-Drop POW (i.e., Airborne guy) with a non-deploying chute. A loud kind of silence. In that moment of clarity, I was absolutely certain that I was about to get my dumb ass gang-stomped by 20 offended amtrackers, and for the life of me, I could find no reason to blame them for it.
Fortunately, it was like a Joke Grenade. I'd pulled the pin and tossed it, and it took 5 seconds for it to go off. They were just surprised by the source, because they hadn't seen me come in to prep for my part of that day's classes. Long enough for me to consider running like a damned bunny.
*whew*
Two men flying to Texas and they started talking about what they would do when they arrived. The first man said he couldn't wait to get back and get a pan friend steak. The second man had never had one, and wondered how it differed from a grilled steak. The decided that after landing, they would go the first man's favorite restaurant and he would treat the second man to the best pan fried steak in America. They arrived at the restaurant and order. In much anticipation, they waited for their food and when it finally arrived, the second man exclaimed in shock "look at how they've burned the steak black"!!! To which the first man replied..."Perfect ain't it......best fried steak i've ever had".
jokes can be like those steaks.....one person can be horrified, while the other thinks it's great. The first man wasn't intending to treat his new found friend to some horrible food, but that's how it worked out.
............so.........time for a little humor again.......
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point,
one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he
said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Now if you want really uncomfortable humor: Last year, I was teaching a class in Canada and one of the students was named Scheidel. You should have seen his face when I said, "Wow, I bet some of your family gassed some of my family during the Holocaust!"
Eh. I thought it was funny. :p
His correct response would have been: "I glad you can laugh about it today. My family probably found it funnier than your family did at the time."
I'd like to say that I have no guns. Here in Europe very few people have guns. And guess what? We don't need them, simply because we live in a society which is safe enough for the general population.
It is? Really? You have no crime in Europe?
The reason you have no guns is because you have politicians who fear their constituents. It goes back to the Monarchies. For someone who studies history your arguments are lacking.
Btw I lived, "on the economy and not part of the US military", in Germany for about 4 years of my life. That does not make me an expert. But I can say that I felt no safer in Germany than in the US and that Germany certainly does have a crime problem, AND institutionalized war guilt.
Chad
ps:
**********
T.B. BECHTEL
T.B Betchel, a city councilor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say;
"Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet!!"
**********
I don't have a problem with gun owners or those wanting to defend the Second Amendment. Keep your guns, but don't tell me where to go and where not to.
It is close to impossible to own a gun in Germany.
Not its not. I have had and have lots of customers in Germany. I have spoken to them about guns and gun ownership. I have walked into gun stores in Germany and talked with the owner. It is certainly harder than in many places in the US but is not harder than some places in the US and is more common than you believe.
The necessity to own a firearm only makes sense if you live in a society in which burglars/criminals are armed and willing to make you a homicide victim. Very unlikely here.
I think you need to dig into history more and also d a little research as the above is woefully misguided.
---
worth reading for a laugh
http://www.whimsical-wits.com/fun_pages/the_invasion.htm
His correct response would have been: "I glad you can laugh about it today. My family probably found it funnier than your family did at the time."
I would have laughed my ass off if he'd said that. Instead it was just more of that silent "did he just really say that?" kind of response ...
Now if you want really uncomfortable humor: Last year, I was teaching a class in Canada and one of the students was named Scheidel. You should have seen his face when I said, "Wow, I bet some of your family gassed some of my family during the Holocaust!"
I have a German last name and would have laughed my ass off it someone said that to me.
People need to lighten up.
I would have laughed my ass off if he'd said that. Instead it was just more of that silent "did he just really say that?" kind of response ...
Can we start a new thread for Comedy Killers?
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/90/90mkillers.phtml
I still crack up when I hear "I'll take Cancer for $100"
Preacher was an avid golfer and was worried there would be no golf in the afterlife. Daily he would pray for some sign from God that he would be able to play when his life was over. On a Saturday morning an angel appeared to him and assured him that yes, there would be golf in heaven. “As a matter of fact” said the angel, “your foursome will be teeing off at noon.”
Puddle Pirate
05-27-09, 19:59
http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr147/sandman99and9/Funny-4.jpg
I just gotta add!!!!!
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b88/PuddlePirate/Coast20Guard20pictures.jpg
MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK! - ON SALE NOW AT "CHEAPER 'N DIRT" - ONLY 15.00 PER ROUND. BUY NOW!
exkc135driver
05-28-09, 21:17
Well, if this thread has degenerated into telling jokes … my good friend and fellow IPSC shooter Marty the Lawyer told me this one:
So a rabbi, a Hindu, and Marty the Lawyer are driving out in the country. They get lost, and as they keep driving, they just get more and more lost. Finally, after night has fallen, they spot a farmhouse. Not wanting to sleep in the car, they drive up to the farmhouse and ask the farmer if they can spend the night.
The farmer says that they can, but that because he only has two spare beds, someone will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says (imagine singsong Indian accent) “I am a humble man, I will sleep in the barn.” So off he goes.
A few minutes later there is a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu. He says, “There is a cow in the barn. I am sorry, but it is against my religion to consort with cows, so I cannot sleep in the barn.”
So the rabbi says (imagine mittel-European accent): “Zat iss OK. I am a humble man, so I vill sleep in ze barn.” And off he goes to the barn.
A few minutes later there is a knock on the door. It’s the rabbi. He says, “Zere iss a pig in ze barn. I am sorry, but it iss against my religion to consort vith pigs, so I cannot sleep in ze barn.”
So Marty the Lawyer says, “Well, shit. I’m not a humble man, and I shouldn’t have to sleep in a barn, but I don’t have any choice, so dammit, I’ll sleep in the barn.” And off he goes to the barn.
A few minutes later there is a knock on the door. It’s the pig and the cow.
The doctor says to his patient, "you need to stop masturbating."
"Why?" the man asks.
The doctor replies, "because I'm trying to examine you!"
this one's old school, so you have to keep that in perspective.
And old old old man and his old old old wife are sittin on the porch of the cottage he'd build for them nigh on 70 years ago when they were young and first wed, just as they had almost every evening during this time. Suddenly, just as the sun is touching the horizon, the old woman gets up, walks over to her old husband, and backhands him so hard his rocking chair flips back and he rolls out onto the deck. He stands up, jaw hanging in shock, and says "Woman what the damn hell's gotten into you? What you do that for?"
She glares at him, gums her jaw, and says "That's for seventy two years of bad sex!"
The old man sags a little where he stands. Hurt and humiliated, he slowly picks up his chair and sits down, hanging his head a little. The old woman sits back down and they continue watching the sunset. After a few minutes, however, the old man sits up in his chair and whips his head toward the old woman. He stands up, shuffles over to her and socks her right straight in the face. The old woman rolls out of her chair and off the deck. The old man stands up straight, and with lowered brow he hollars out after her, "Thats for knowin' the difference!"
OK this one is a little corny I herd it when I was 6 or 7.
How do you get out of an elephants stomach?
Run and run and run, until your all pooped out.
What kind of bees make milk?
woodandsteel
05-29-09, 01:06
My wife is getting sick of me telling this joke.
What is the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?
With a Porcupine, you typically find the pricks on the outside.
Sorry. No offense to any BMW owners here.
My wife is getting sick of me telling this joke.
What is the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?
With a Porcupine, you typically find the pricks on the outside.
Sorry. No offense to any BMW owners here.
good one
- Pickup truck driving country boy
woodandsteel
05-29-09, 10:34
I can't take credit for that joke. I read it on another forum where they were discussing the new BMW 3 series. When I read it, I actually laughed out loud.
I don't know why I found it so funny. I just did. And I am actually friends with a BMW owner.
Grandma's Birth Control Pills :rolleyes:
The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired..
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me to sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee .. . .
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks............
And believe me, it helps ME sleep at night."
parishioner
06-02-09, 16:54
Boobees
Another bee joke.
Where does a bee put his stinger at night?
In his honey.
This thread was always good for a Laugh so *BUMP* to put it back in the mix.
And then the fight started.
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's onTV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to150 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started.....
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bed room mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
http://generalcartridge.net/images/ATT00102.jpg
This probably not new...but it was new to me.
For you Married guys pay special attention to #1...it was one of my Favorites.
Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman.
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
Not sure if this one has been posted or not...Please tell me that is a Training (Plastic) Gun in the pic.
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=414
Not sure if this one has been posted or not...Please tell me that is a Training (Plastic) Gun in the pic.
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=414
Funny thing is he resembles a friend of mine who is now in OCS. He did not appreciate my sense of humor! :p
Gr8 jokes, btw!
Not sure if this one has been posted or not...Please tell me that is a Training (Plastic) Gun in the pic.
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=414
Who knows maybe this situation lead to one less ATF Agent.
Who knows maybe this situation lead to one less ATF Agent.
http://9x19mm.com/photoalbum/albums/userpics/playingstupid.jpg
http://9x19mm.com/photoalbum/albums/userpics/playingstupid.jpg
Man my first flame. I see my attempt at a witty reply is unappreciated. It is a good thing to play stupid though. Better to play stupid and relate to others than to be stupid (not that I'm pointing fingers).:D
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
QUOTE=lalakai;GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.. How many of us have tried this one?
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.Had 5-sisters at home so I can relate to this one.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.Trustworthy my eye.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. Lol
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.[/QUOTE)My two year old Grandson has learned this.
Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.....
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side." :D
This was thoughtful..........
Ft. Worth Police today reported finding a John Doe male body in the Trinity River.....
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was
wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, an Obama t-shirt,
and had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police thoughtfully removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any
unnecessary embarrassment.
MODS: If deemed inappropriate please delete.
Business_Casual
07-01-09, 16:26
They say celebrities go in threes. Well, leave it to Billy Mays to throw in an extra one COMPLETELY FREE!!!
http://img490.imageshack.us/img490/6800/motivationalposterfixedfg4.jpg
http://9x19mm.com/photoalbum/albums/userpics/chinasredarmy.jpg
http://9x19mm.com/photoalbum/albums/userpics/normal_log.jpg
http://9x19mm.com/photoalbum/albums/userpics/redundant.jpg
http://9x19mm.com/photoalbum/albums/userpics/scarylaser.jpg
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins
Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded
by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly
advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone,
but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line
behind you. Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding
an empty cone, with no hope of getting any ice cream.
Are you feeling stimulated?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YersIyzsOpc&feature=related
Shove the remote up your ass, that'll teach mom!
It's 1947
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies.
What you may NOT know is that in April of 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F Kerry
William J Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses.
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins
Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded
by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly
advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone,
but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line
behind you. Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding
an empty cone, with no hope of getting any ice cream.
Are you feeling stimulated?
https://www.m4carbine.net/picture.php?albumid=53&pictureid=372
sandman99and9
07-02-09, 08:49
Damn rat, you beat me to it !! I have that pic but with the whole obama description on it.
s.m.
Damn rat, you beat me to it !! I have that pic but with the whole obama description on it.
s.m.
If you look back in this thread to the top of page 6....
https://www.m4carbine.net/showthread.php?t=25116&page=6
You will find that someone posted this exact picture and information.....Oh wait. That was me!......:D
True story.
My brother was travelling a lot for work, in and out of airports. Well, one day he was just about to get on the escallator with his rolling carry-on. Ahead of him he noticed a small black boy pulling one of those Spongebob Squarepants kids carry-on bags. It appeared that the young boy was adopted as his father (white) held his hand as they were about to get on the escallator. The young boy had some reservations about getting on the escallator and his father was coaxing him on and telling him to hold on to his bag. The father apologised to my brother for "being in the way". Without thinking, my brother said "Man, you're a real slave driver." FACEPALM!!!
He said they all rode up the rest of the way without saying a word. He still regrets not clarifying, but it'd have probably made it more wierd.
True story.
My brother was travelling a lot for work, in and out of airports. Well, one day he was just about to get on the escallator with his rolling carry-on. Ahead of him he noticed a small black boy pulling one of those Spongebob Squarepants kids carry-on bags. It appeared that the young boy was adopted as his father (white) held his hand as they were about to get on the escallator. The young boy had some reservations about getting on the escallator and his father was coaxing him on and telling him to hold on to his bag. The father apologised to my brother for "being in the way". Without thinking, my brother said "Man, you're a real slave driver." FACEPALM!!!
He said they all rode up the rest of the way without saying a word. He still regrets not clarifying, but it'd have probably made it more wierd.
He scarred that poor man for life!! LOL!!! I'm sharing this one with my Black friends! :p
Thanks for making my day!!
True story.
My brother was travelling a lot for work, in and out of airports. Well, one day he was just about to get on the escallator with his rolling carry-on. Ahead of him he noticed a small black boy pulling one of those Spongebob Squarepants kids carry-on bags. It appeared that the young boy was adopted as his father (white) held his hand as they were about to get on the escallator. The young boy had some reservations about getting on the escallator and his father was coaxing him on and telling him to hold on to his bag. The father apologised to my brother for "being in the way". Without thinking, my brother said "Man, you're a real slave driver." FACEPALM!!!
He said they all rode up the rest of the way without saying a word. He still regrets not clarifying, but it'd have probably made it more wierd.
i'm sure that wasn't nearly as awkward for the father as it was for your brother.. in fact, i suspect he may have noticed the connection, but probably didn't take it wrong at all.
you're right about "fixing" some miscommunications- sometimes it really is best to just let the original statement hang on it's own.
Years ago, I was at one of our (back when i worked for other people- pff) bi-yearly regional conferences. Our regional manager was fairly overweight, and nobody could ever dispute that... she was also a fairly intimidating woman, especially for new guys.
At one point, our manager said something (i dont even remember what) about something that had happened- whatever the case, one of the new guys was really impressed with her memory, so be blurts out, in the middle of this fairly good sized conference, "Holy cow, you're like an elephant!"
The entire conference hall went from a soft murmer to dead silence. So we now have two words floating through the air... cow, and elephant. both large animals, and our regional happens to be quite large, as i said... she glanced at him, with one of those curious looking-over-your-bifocals looks you might expect to get from an offended grandmother...
NewGuy: Uh, um.. not- not- not like that! not 'cause you're fat.... Uh, i didn't mean it like that..
Regional: Oh?
NewGuy: um, yea, 'cause you're not f- uh, not fat... i meant like your.. um, you know, memory.. 'cause you're not fat.
Regional, giving him a look like he's a ****ing idiot: OH?
(keep in mind- this woman IS fat)
NewGuy: yea, uh- well, i mean... not really fat...
Regional: Shut up. Quit making it worse.
Newguy, head hanging: But i really didn't mean to say you're fat!
Regional: But I am! and you just did! Shut! Up!
i seriously doubt that had a direct connection to him getting shit-canned, but i'm sure it didn't help. it was definately an indicator that he wasn't too bright.
K.L. Davis
07-02-09, 19:26
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTE5z9eeVGg
Law Enforcement officers recovered over two thousand 2nd place, third place and honorable mention trophies with Michael Jacksons name on them from the Neverland Ranch today.
When questioned about what officers found, a spokesman with the Sheriffs department stated.
"This isn't a surprise as everyone knows that Michael Jackson has always came in a little behind."
Law Enforcement officers recovered over two thousand 2nd place, third place and honorable mention trophies with Michael Jacksons name on them from the Neverland Ranch today.
When questioned about what officers found, a spokesman with the Sheriffs department stated.
"This isn't a surprise as everyone knows that Michael Jackson has always came in a little behind."
sometimes having vivid mental imagery is lame.
http://firstfriday.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/socialism_explained.jpg
Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands
:)THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit. that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,
shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some
days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are
times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong
shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit
creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in
a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything
else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't
give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do
give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if
you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
kaiservontexas
07-06-09, 16:06
Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.....
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side." :D
LOL It is almost true! I discerned for a couple of years. It should have read single malt scotch. ;)
I searched to see if this had been posted before and couldn't find anything...
Gotta Love Texans!
One thing about TEXANS is that their hearts are always in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, Texas, was asked
on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of
torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause
from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save
just one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,
Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet."
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?
.................................................. ........
THINK
CAREFULLY AND
THEN
SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's
Answer
:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days
and try to come to a consensus.
.................................................. ...........................................
Republican's
Answer:
BANG!
.................................................. ........................................
Redneck's
Answer:
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click.....
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter:
'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the Winchester Silver tip hollow points?! '
Son:
'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife:
'You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!!
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?
.................................................. ........
THINK
CAREFULLY AND
THEN
SCROLL DOWN:
Sotomayor's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days
and try to come to a consensus.
.................................................. ...........................................
Republican's
Answer:
BANG!
.................................................. ........................................
Redneck's
Answer:
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click.....
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter:
'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the Winchester Silver tip hollow points?! '
Son:
'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife:
'You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!!
Updated it for ya! :D
Buckaroo
K.L. Davis
07-16-09, 16:58
To Change a light bulb, errrr... lightbulb?
==========================================
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Two to remark that the older model lightbulbs were better made and lasted longer.
Six to post a video of someone changing a lightbulb from YouTube.
One to have accumulated around 6,000 posts, 5,987 of which read "That's what she said!"
Nine to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.
Four to say that just because some brands of lightbulbs have an extra safety system designed to prevent breakage when dropped, they're just junk.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Six to obsess about their post count, and to think that since they have more posts than anyone else they're smarter.
One to somehow confuse Thomas Edison, inventer of the lightbulb, with God.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Two to say that that brand flickers too much, and that their brand is more reliable.
One to get offended and whine about how they love their lightbulb, so everyone else should just leave it alone.
Ten to offer home lightbulbsmithing advice that's probably destined to get someone electrocuted.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
One to start their statement with "Not to hijack this thread or anything, but...." and then immediately and shamelessly hijack the thread.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Ten to constantly debate whether lightbulbs that come in packs of 7 or packs of 8 are more reliable.
Wun membr 2 misspel evre worde, uv thare poste and, two putt punkshuation inall tha rong, plases.
Two to say that if it were their lightbulb they'd modify it, reassuring the owner that it only "takes twenty minutes at the kitchen counter", selectively leaving out the fact that it also takes $250.
Thirteen to multi-quote all posts in their entirety including all headers, pictures and signatures, and add "Me too", "+1" or "".
One to complain about how the Liberals are trying to take their lightbulbs away.
Eight to say that anyone that doesn't use a 45 watt bulb is an idiot.
Three to claim that the 9 watts are better because more come in a single package.
Two to think up a clever joke that involves Rosie O'Donnell choking on a "bad clam" or a "fish taco".
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Six to say that the lightbulb's finish is going to wear off unless the owner gets it hard-chromed.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting dumb questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
One to claim that their preferred maker of lightbulbs made them first, and to write off custom made lightbulbs costing three to five times as much as "just copies".
Ten to say that this lightbub company uses inferior parts, and to claim their lightbulbs are better.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated and start it all over again....
exkc135driver
07-16-09, 23:22
That is so true. Funniest thing I've read in his thread.
Iy luv, itt!!
K L Davis:
You left out what the "Red Neck" would do/post about the light bulb!
Inquiring minds like mine want to know!
Does it make it to the Taxidermist?
Get eatin?
The base cut off and made into a beer can holder?
Left alone and not replaced?
Wired to an explosive device?
Made into a nacklace for the wife?
What?
K.L. Davis
07-17-09, 00:08
Things movies have taught me about being part of a special operations team, about to go to a remote scientific outpost that recently lost all communications:
I refuse to go into the underground research facility, deep-space research facility, deep-sea research facility, radio-blacked out colony, derelict alien ship, or abandoned ghost ship.
If forced into attempting any of the above six missions, I will go AWOL. Prison showers are almost certainly preferable to what awaits.
I will carry more than one gun and carry as many as humanly possible.
In line with above, I will carry more than one mag per gun. I have a belt, and intend to fill it.
If the hallways of the operations area are big enough to allow it, I will bring along a small field artillery piece.
No matter what my CO says, if my job is to plant a nuclear device to destroy the facility/ship, it is not necessary for me to endanger my life by traveling to the center of the structure to plant the bomb, I'm sure the entrance will prove just as effective.
If my job is to disable the AI system that runs the facility/ship, and this requires me to go to the center of the structure, I will just plant a small nuclear device at the entrance. If the blast doesn't get it, the EMP will.
If my body armor proves ineffective against whatever killed everyone in the facility/ship, I will ditch it and use the saved weight to carry more guns.
If the body armor is ineffective and so are the guns, I will ditch both and set a new track record on my way out of the ops area.
I refuse to wear any helmet that restricts my peripheral vision and does not allow me to see something rising up/dropping down right beside me.
I will request a helmet that has a small HUD linked to a camera on the back of my helmet. An additional HUD linked to a upward-pointing top mounted camera would be nice as well.
If going into some top secret facility that has lost radio communication with the outside world, I will make damn sure that I am in possession of a high quality, up to date map that will not be rendered unreadable by contact with liquid.
If I could not obtain a map, and am lost/trapped in the facility, I will not rely on the unstable, homicidal central AI to provide me with escape routes.
If I am inside a facility/ship after the stuff has hit the fan, and find myself without a map, I will head to the nearest computer terminal and consult Yahoo! Maps. The facility was built by a corporation or the government, and they can certainly afford an Internet connection.
If there is a self-destruct mechanism or impenetrable blast doors set on a running timer within the building/ship I am ordered to enter, I will guard the entrances until the timer runs out, then leave. The problem will take care of itself eventually, so there is no need to risk myself.
If mine is not the first team to be sent into the area, I will take a little time off to wonder why.
If the music suddenly gets really creepy, start spinning around with your finger on the trigger. Whoever was guarding your back is probably gone by this point anyway.
Before I go on each mission, I will rent Aliens, Resident Evil, Event Horizon, and other similar movies for pointers. I will defer the costs as "training expenses".
If there is something dripping from the ceiling up ahead, I won't bother to check if it's just water. I will leave the area immediately by the quickest available route.
If I hear odd noises, I will not be foolish enough to investigate it alone. I will take a friend or two with big guns.
If ordered to investigate the noise by my CO, I will take everyone else in the squad with me. By the time we return to where the CO was waiting, the problem will probably have solved itself.
If forced to walk underneath a hole in the ceiling, I will be cautious and investigate it thoroughly with high explosives.
If I hear odd noises coming from the ceiling, I will not lift up a panel and stick my head up to have a look around. I will lift up the panel and shove a grenade up there.
Similarly, if forced to pass a hole/grate in the walls or floor, I will throw a grenade in to make sure its clear now, and set proximity mines to make sure it is clear later.
Unless it is my last chance for survival, I will never go into any type of ventilation shaft. I know that whatever chased me up there will almost certainly be able to move faster than me in an enclosed space.
I will always take some sort of sword with me in addition to a multitude of projectile weapons. That way, when I run out of ammunition, and I will, I won't have to ineffectually slap at an opponent before being killed.
Knowingly entering a facility where illegal genetic research is being preformed would be consigning myself to death by stupidity. Therefore, I wouldn't enter, even if this entailed killing the rest of my team to avoid it.
I would never enter a dark room. I would throw in a handful of grenades and move on, assured that if anything is still alive in there, it isn't happy.
I wont make the mistake of shooting something with my smallest gun first, and then working my way up to larger firearms. I would start with my biggest gun, and if that didn't work, run like hell.
If sent off with only one companion, I would make sure it is someone I could outrun. That way, I can get away while whatever was chasing us chews on him.
If there are women on the team, I will never sleep with them right before a mission. One or the other of us will almost certainly not make it back, and I don't like 50/50 odds.
If a team-member disappears mysteriously for a long period of time and the just as mysteriously reappears, I will shoot them immediately and save myself a lot of trouble.
I will periodically look up. The importance of this can never be overstated.
If in a genetic research lab and there are lots of cages whose steel doors have been torn out, I will think about how much punishment those doors could take. Then I will think about how much punishment my frail human body can take. Then I will start thinking about where those exits were.
No matter how tempted, I will never deactivate the main power in a research facility. I know those doors are magnetically locked and electrified for a reason.
I will never deactivate the main computer in a facility. Even though its automated defenses may be slaughtering the rest of the team, they are still holding back whatever killed the original occupants.
I will stay away from any elevators. Nothing good ever comes from an elevator in these situations.
I will never negotiate with whatever is trying to kill my team. The dialogue will almost certainly be along the lines of "Me hungry, you food".
If one of my team-members gets bitten, cut, sprayed with, or otherwise exposed to a bio-agent, I will kill them immediately. They will only turn on me, and the antidote never works anyway.
The sexiest female will always make it out, mainly because she is surrounded by men who willingly throw themselves in the path of anything that attempts to harm her. I will stay close to that female, and when I am the last male left, I will throw her in the path of whatever is attempting to harm us.
I will make sure that when I finally exit from the ops area, I have conserved a decent amount of ammunition. Something always goes wrong during the escape.
If I find only one survivor from among 500 or so people, I will not trust them. They had to do something to survive the carnage that killed 500 people, and I don't think it was just run really fast.
I will make sure the team will under no circumstances split up. It never helps.
If upon arriving in the ops area I hear a lot of screams from inside or see a lot of obviously mutilated dead bodies, I will leave the ops area and come back later with back up and bigger guns.
I will train to keep my cool under pressure well enough to hit a head sized target at a range of 10 feet.
I will request that any ops team I am a part of be issued body armor with environmental resistance from things like fire, airborne viruses, and acid.
The aforementioned armor will have a reflective mirrored surface, to help with those pesky automated laser defenses.
If I see something in the shadows up ahead that at first glance does not appear human, appears vaguely human, or appears human. I will forgo taking the time for a second look and lob a grenade at it instead. Better safe than sorry.
If multiple survivors are found during the course of the mission, they will be given a gun and told to make themselves useful.
However, if these survivors created or want to study whatever depopulated the facility/ship, they will not be given guns as they cannot be trusted to use them at the crucial moment, due to their conflict of interests.
Between missions I will lobby for legislature to require all secret research facilities to have heavily stocked ammo dumps in easily accessible, well marked locations.
If my team is required to use motion detectors, they better be able to scan 360 degrees, not merely 90.
If the body count is currently over 500, I will politely inform my superiors that an 8 man operations team isn't going to cut it.
If any member of the team is prone to claustrophobia, diver's high, space-mania, or panic attacks, I will deliver a request to the CO that they be left behind, instead of just being given a pep talk.
If any member of the team proves to be a corporate/government spy, I will shoot them before anyone else can react, saving the trouble of taking them prisoner only so they can escape later and sabotage the mission.
I will recommend that any form of transportation we have be parked well away from the trouble spot, that the operator stays in it, and keeps the doors sealed until the team is standing outside and ready to leave.
If we have a spare transport I will recommend that we have a spare pilot as well, to save having to remote control fly the transport in if something happens to the first.
If any member of the team takes a revolver on the mission, I will take it from them, hand them an automatic, and then slap them silly for being so stupid.
I will ensure that all guns have perfectly calibrated laser sights, even if I must pay for them myself, as missing a headshot is inexcusable.
If the team gets out of an ops area and find we are missing a man, I will recommend we leave his ass. He should have kept up in the first place.
If our mission is to shut down a rogue AI, I will not discuss our plans in any room with a visible camera and/or audio pickup.
Screw shoulder-mounted flashlights, I'll carry night vision goggles even if the cost has to come out of my paycheck.
The same goes for little pen-lights. I will carry a 3 foot mag-lite with a halogen bulb. That way, not only do I get a huge flashlight range, it can double as a club in tight situations.
If low on ammunition, I won't hesitate to roll the bodies of my teammates for ammo. They certainly don't need it anymore.
If I learn that the beings we are fighting have acid for blood or that their blood contains some sort of bio-agent, I will make damn sure I am at least 15 feet away from any I shoot.
If my team possesses an APC, but it won't fit into the corridors of the ops area, I'll rectify the situation with explosives instead of going in on foot.
If my opponents use cloaking devices that short out upon contact with water, I will always carry a small super-soaker pistol with me.
If forced to pick a position within a facility to make a last stand, it will not be a room which can easily be breached by going above the ceiling or under the floor.
If I hear a low hissing or moaning directly behind me, I will take off running without thinking. Whatever it is, its first bite of me is going to be ass.
If anyone in the squad has a flamethrower, I will make sure everyone else is trained to instinctively duck whenever he even begins to turn around.
When the team's mission is to plant a bomb I will make sure we have more than one bomb, and more than one person who knows how to plant it.
If going into an area in where research in biological warfare was occurring, I will not remove my gas mask before entering the facility.
If there is a countdown to an explosion or the sealing off of the facility, I will set my watch timer 10 minutes ahead of that to give myself a margin of safety.
If any of the rescued or one of my team members starts to convulse and scream, I'll have the guy with the flamethrower hose them down and then move on. If it is the napalm guy I'll shoot the tank. Whatever made them do it, it wasn't a cramp.
If my team has heavy weaponry, I will not wait until there are only a few people left and we are surrounded to use them. I will use them as early and as often as possible.
Similarly, if I have a large ship in orbit over the planet, and find out that there are no survivors in a heavily infested area, I will call for an orbital bombardment of the hot zone.
If I hear odd noises coming from a grate nearby, I won't stare quizzically at it and shine a weak flashlight beam through the grate, I will immediately empty my current mag into the grate then kick it in and send a grenade into the tunnel.
If we have prisoners, and one of them is talking to me steadily in a calm voice while staring behind me, I will immediately dive to the side and roll to hose whatever was about to attack me. The same response if a team-member looks behind me with an expression of horror.
If I address a query to the guy that should be behind me, and receive no immediate response, I will immediately break into a dead run, dropping grenades along the way.
If I find that rooms marked on my map as dining halls turn out to be full of stasis chambers and odd piping instead, I will immediately leave the ops area and refuse to enter until I get a damn good explanation.
If we manage to ambush the enemy and I hear a high pitched beeping and it starts laughing, I will be smart enough to just start running, instead of searching it for the timer.
I will never walk through water any deeper than I can see down into. I won't walk in the water period if there is electric cabling nearby.
Any transports we bring into the ops area and intend to use to escape will have cameras on the outside to allow us to scan for unwanted guests.
Along the same line, the landing bay/pad we return to will have several large turrets to take care of any stowaways we miss.
I will point out to my superiors that if the corporation/government has enough money to fund an 8 man team, they have enough damn money to buy us a remote controlled robot with cameras that we can send in to scout the area first.
My favored method of advance down a dark corridor will be with a 5 man team, the first man hosing down the corridor in front, the second throwing a grenade, the third hauling a huge cart of ammo and explosives, the fourth throwing a grenade behind us, and the fifth hosing down the corridor behind. Take five steps, repeat.
My favored method of advance down a well-lit corridor is the same but take ten steps and repeat.
If a cat comes flying out of a vent, scaring the **** out of me, I will unload a clip into the vent. Something scared the cat.
I will hold the belief that heavy breathing from the nearby darkness is not to be investigated. It is to be used for target practice.
Warning shots are for wusses. Fire is for effect.
If the other people with me have all disappeared, I won't bother wandering around the immediate area looking for them and yelling their names, peering into dark rooms.
When any member of my squad dies, I will have them hosed down with the flamethrower or plant a proximity mine on them. No use feeding or increasing the numbers of whatever is trying to kill us.
If I die on a mission, it will be because I snapped my neck trying to look everywhere at once.
Not a joke but it did make me smile... sent to me in an e-mail link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8f8drk5Urw.
A play on words, if you will.
Ronnie done knocked over Brooks' kick stand.
It was said during a night of heavy class six consumption while listening to a country cd.
Please tell me someone gets it.
dog
A play on words, if you will.
Ronnie done knocked over Brooks' kick stand.
It was said during a night of heavy class six consumption while listening to a country cd.
Please tell me someone gets it.
dog
I get the Class VI part but you will have to enlighten me on the rest.:confused:
I get the Class VI part but you will have to enlighten me on the rest.:confused:
I will, friend. But let's see if someone get's it, first. (military? ex?, Doc? I see the Avatar...!)
dog
Probably old, but I thought these were funny.
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f25/killingseason/gay-1.jpg
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f25/killingseason/crabhouse.jpg
this one made me laugh
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/mexico_builds_border_wall_to_keep?utm_source=videoembed
Mexico is building their own wall.
I love the Mexican wall. I had to go get my Mexican friend so he could see it. Very funny!
parishioner
07-20-09, 22:00
BBQ
http://www.rosetown.org.nz/images/BBQ.jpg
Is that the new, "Shoot, Gutt, And Grill" from the South?
Going4Broke
07-21-09, 12:41
I love the Mexican wall. I had to go get my Mexican friend so he could see it. Very funny!
Yeah, and think how much money that will save us.
I searched to see if this had been posted before and couldn't find anything...
Gotta Love Texans!
One thing about TEXANS is that their hearts are always in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, Texas, was asked
on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of
torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause
from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save
just one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,
Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet."
This is the first time I've seen this and think its hysterical. Unfortunately it does kinda fail the snopes test.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/quotes/bechtol.asp
CALSHOOTER
07-21-09, 18:46
Well I think in these times it is hard to punch the fun ticket, so laugh clown laugh.:p:D:cool:
I will, friend. But let's see if someone get's it, first. (military? ex?, Doc? I see the Avatar...!)
dog
It was just a play on the names of the guys from the band Brookes and Dunn. Kix Brookes and Ronnie Dunn. I guess it was funnier at the time...:(
dog
Army Medic and still serving proudly.
I will, friend. But let's see if someone get's it, first. (military? ex?, Doc? I see the Avatar...!)
dog
Every thing on that box is just to damn funny!!!!
Thanks for sharing that one.
Got this in my e-mail today: Phone upside down, high water pants, wrinkled US Flag, guy sitting on the floor next to him. Can you say "PUTS"?
2860
Subject: JOHN HINCKLEY
You may recall John Hinckley, a seriously deranged young man, who shot
President Reagan in the early 1980s.
Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster.
Extremely jealous, in his twisted mind he "loved" Jodie Foster and felt a
compulsion to make himself known to her. To this end, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There's strong evidence Hinckley may soon be released as 'rehabilitated'.
Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Sen. John
McCain forwarded to the mental facility treating Hinckley.
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Hinckley
In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want
you to know there is a bi-partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness
throughout America. We're confident you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and
productive young man.
Best Wishes,
Sen. John McCain
PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging
Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into
that .
Going4Broke
07-28-09, 15:23
Subject: JOHN HINCKLEY
You may recall John Hinckley, a seriously deranged young man, who shot
President Reagan in the early 1980s.
Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster.
Extremely jealous, in his twisted mind he "loved" Jodie Foster and felt a
compulsion to make himself known to her. To this end, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There's strong evidence Hinckley may soon be released as 'rehabilitated'.
Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Sen. John
McCain forwarded to the mental facility treating Hinckley.
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Hinckley
In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want
you to know there is a bi-partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness
throughout America. We're confident you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and
productive young man.
Best Wishes,
Sen. John McCain
PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging
Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into
that .
hehehehe!!!
I think Reid and Palossi have been seen with Foster quite a bit also Mr. Hinkley.:D
I remember this one from my childhood about the "Arrow" name brand of clothing.
"Custer wore an "Arrow" shirt." Kind of a dubious endorsement style joke for the clothier.
And, "Why were the "Indians" here (in the Americas) first? Because we had reservations! Yes, I am part Lakota and Tsa La Ghi.
And for the cowboys... You know those giant belt-buckles they wear? It's a tombstone for a dead d*ck!
dog-------- gone!
Things movies have taught me about being part of a special operations team, about to go to a remote scientific outpost that recently lost all communications:
This whole post had me rolling man. :D
Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:
Why did you leave your last job?
"I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, chief operating officer, HousingLink
Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
"The resolution was we were both fired." - Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions
What kind of computer software have you used?
"Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management Inc.
What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations
Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group
Do you have any questions?
"Cross-dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
"If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
"What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
"I was a chamber of commerce executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a chamber of commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek Inc. Visibility Consulting
"Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
"What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
"If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
"How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
"[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
"Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast-feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
"So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting
Why are you leaving your current job?
"Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, human resources manager, True Textiles Inc.
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith
Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
"My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan
Why do you want to work for us?
"Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
"My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
"I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, communications director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity
What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group
What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show.
I wonder if he didn't want to go off unimployment?
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications
When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce
Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." -- Venné
When can you start?
"I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan
Use three adjectives to describe yourself
"I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering
Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering
Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering
Random responses
"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
"I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated. ." (Mr Gates?) - Smith
"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby
Things To Do On An Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
In my wife’s last job, part of her responsibilities was to receive applications from people looking for part time work. One time after looking over an application she informed the applicant that if he was hired he would have to take a drug test within three days after starting.
The applicant says “Well I smoked a little pot at a party last weekend, so I should be OK.
After he left my wife tossed the application in the trash.
In my wife’s last job, part of her responsibilities was to receive applications from people looking for part time work. One time after looking over an application she informed the applicant that if he was hired he would have to take a drug test within three days after starting.
The applicant says “Well I smoked a little pot at a party last weekend, so I should be OK.
After he left my wife tossed the application in the trash.
people who dont get it are pretty rare.. which is why it still surprises me when people don't.
i'd say if he's willing to announce to a stranger that he "smoked a little pot" anywhere, he's probably a stone-cold stoner. otherwise he'd understand that most people don't smoke marijuana, and don't find it remotely acceptable behavior.
Borrowed from American Legion:
2 old friends out fishing, when one turns to the other and says "My wife hasn't spoken to me in two months...I think she wants a divorce". His friend thoughtfully considers that before replying "Careful Bob might not want to divorce her; a woman like that is hard to find".
this one is longer so bear with me.
St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gate, and it was a nice day with only a few souls seeking entrance, so he put a bell on the counter with a note "Ring Me", while he went to look at his friend's garden. He has only been gone for a few seconds when the bell rang. Hurrying back he was surprised to not see anyone?? Thinking he might have been hearing something, he left again, only to hear the bell ring again. As before....he couldn't find anyone waiting at the Gate. Thinking someone may have been playing a joke on him, this time he hid behind a nearby column and waited for the prankster. Sure enough a man suddenly popped into view and promptly rang the bell, only to disappear again!! By now St. Peter was getting a little mad, so he moved closer and hid behind the counter, waiting only a few seconds before the man appeared like before. Jumping out, he grabbed the man and demanded to know why he was playing such a trick on him. The man was just as angry, telling St. Peter "it's not my fault, the doctors keep resuscitating me".
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, sir, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven,
God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.'' ;
God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, sir, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
Cute. Good one!
dog
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven,
Damn, I only read this line and I knew this was a huge fabrication!
Damn, I only read this line and I knew this was a huge fabrication!
Right? It should read "Go to hell!!" and then deal with the NYYANKEES, I mean, the Devil.
how did this happen.....???????????????????
:D dog
parishioner
08-05-09, 12:11
A male is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse',
he mumbles,
from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your
upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely..... .
A r e m y t e s t r e s u l t s - back ?
Army Chief
08-05-09, 16:35
Got this from a friend in SOCOM several years back:
Two guys are sitting around talking about nothing in particular when the topic of conversation suddenly turns to "Freudian slips."
The first turns to the second and says, "I actually experienced one of these a couple of weeks ago. I was going out of town on business, and when I walked up to the ticket counter, the reservation agent was this ridiculously well-endowed young brunette in a low-cut blouse. I stood there, and what I meant to say was 'can I please get two tickets to Pittsburgh' -- but what actually came out was 'can I please get two pickets to Tittsburgh?' I was just totally flustered."
The second guy immediately gets all animated and blurts out "DUDE! I had the SAME THING happen to me thing this past weekend! The wife and I were sitting at the kitchen table on Saturday morning, having breakfast. I looked over at her, and what I meant to say was 'honey, could you please pass the milk?' -- but what actually came out was 'YOU MISERABLE B*TCH - YOU'VE RUINED MY ENTIRE @#$%&* LIFE!!!!!'"
[cue laughter]
'Tis best told, and not read ... but I always crack up whenever I think about it. Oddly, my lovely bride of 21 years doesn't find it quite as hilarious. ;)
AC
Army Chief
08-05-09, 17:01
OK, this isn't humor, per se, but I've had a lot of fun with it over the years -- particularly with my own father, back in the days when I always seemed to need gas money.
You walk up to a co-worker (or whomever) and say "Hey, could you loan me $50? Tell you what, though -- I only want you to give me $25 of it right now. That way, you'll owe me $25, I'll owe you $25, and we'll be even. Cool?"
The looks you'll get while your mark does the mental gymnastics are priceless. :D
AC
The absolute best Little Johnnie jokes
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses'.
AND (my favorite)
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.""Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little John's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said thesame thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit.
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/3772/obama2s.jpg (http://img35.imageshack.us/i/obama2s.jpg/)
You must watch this compelling documentary about President Obama.
What happened in the Bunker when The Big O realizes his Health Care plan will not fly.
If this has been posted previously, then I apologize.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NWtBhSp74I&feature=related
http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/3772/obama2s.jpg (http://img35.imageshack.us/i/obama2s.jpg/)
Brilliant and effective.
Carne Frio
09-16-09, 22:01
POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
00leland00
09-16-09, 22:49
http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm37/qball00980/funny/grenades.jpg
http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm37/qball00980/funny/jamal.jpg
http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm37/qball00980/funny/w14h03.jpg
http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm37/qball00980/funny/9mmfag.jpg
A lesson in Minding your own business.....
How I learned to mind my own business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting,
'13.....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on......
And someone poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting
'14....14.....14'...
what do you do when you see your ex-wife running around her front yard, screaming and bleeding?
what do you do when you see your ex-wife running around her front yard, screaming and bleeding?
Honest: I didn't see ANYTHING!!!
what do you do when you see your ex-wife running around her front yard, screaming and bleeding?
keep shooting
what do you do when you see your ex-wife running around her front yard, screaming and bleeding?
Nothing, the new husband is taking care of it.
Isn't it ironic that Barrack Obama signed the stimulus package sitting at the same desk where Bill Clinton had his package stimulated? ;)
Why do doctors slap all newborn babies?
To knock the d$#@'s off of the dumb ones!
dog
parishioner
10-14-09, 23:44
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The barkeep asks, "Can I help you?"
He says, "Yeah, could you pull this guy out of my ass?"
parishioner
11-19-09, 18:29
How pumpkin pie is made.
Happy Thanksgiving!
http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=47df4df843&view=att&th=1250e533c6c606a9&attid=0.1&disp=inline&zw
The Delta Force Test
Delta Force had an opening for a new team member. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: an Air Force Pararescue, an Army Ranger, and a Marine Force Recon.
For the final test, the Delta Force examiner took the Airman to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find a man tied to a chair. Kill him!!!"
The Airman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot a helpless unarmed man." The examiner said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Return to your unit."
The Soldier was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Soldier came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill a helpless stranger tied to a chair." The examiner said, "You don't have what it takes. Return to your platoon."
Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill the man tied to the chair. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks," he said. "I had to untie him, and then beat him to death with the chair."
You might be an Airborne Soldier if...
The first thing you do in the morning is put in a dip
Your favorite beer is someone else's
Your cologne smells suspiciously like bug juice
You think a spit shine means to spit on your boots and wipe them on the back of your pant legs
Your kids wear a high and tight and stand at parade rest
You tell the arresting officer that you have just been alerted and you were speeding to work
When you have dinner guests in between paydays, you try to pass off a ham slice as canned ham
You use your spotter scope to pull surveillance at the pool or the Pope AFB air show
You would rather smoke a private than a Marlboro
Your hide site is cleaner than your room
You set up concertina wire around your house to keep trick or treaters away
You spend your free time thinking of ways you would destroy things if you were a terrorist
You never enter a bar without an E&R plan
You consider a "Recon" walking around the bar looking for chicks
You order a beer from the waitress by hollering "Nurse give me an IV"
You consider a six pack a well balanced breakfast
You say "Hooah" whether you understand or not
You creatively acquire things you need
Every sport you play has the word combat as part of its name
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.