View Full Version : Another Baseless Restraining Order. Where Is Justice When You Need It Most?
I have asked for advice here before recently (June), and I got back a lot of useful responses that I remember and utilize to this day. Unfortunately, I need to do so again. Maybe there can be a way to save the situation somehow before Tuesday.
My son's mother has filed a restraining order on me, this the third in three years. You will absolutely not believe why, nor why it was granted. And the cost this time will be immeasurable. I am telling you guy's not so much because I need someone to talk to I suppose, just that any effective suggestions would be immensely appreciated.
While sadly I am becoming a veteran of these unbearably painful parental wars, I am still at a loss right now as to how I can avoid my son missing his first day of school due to pure spite. This after going to 2 different police stations asking for help 3 times the past 24hrs.
I have had primary custody of my 5 year old son for almost 3 years without incident. We are inseparable pals to say the very least. I have provided a stable home for him all this time, and he was due to start Kindergarten Tuesday. He is my entire life.
His mother has been convicted of 2 DWI's and after 3 years still has no license nor car. She has had drug issues, I have reported her to DYFS, she has had violent relationships, ect, all since we separated. She is a narcissist's, narcissist.
Still, for the good of my son, I make the best of things under the circumstances. Since she still has no car, so for three years I drive 30 minutes to get my son on Wednesdays and also drive him back on Sundays. No questions asked. I have taken her to work, to buy groceries, given her extra days just for asking, and even in our home during temporary evictions. I am always her friend, because that it undoubtedly gives my son a better life and view of the world. I was not so fortunate as a child.
Two months ago she and her boyfriend bought a new home, and now she has crowned herself queen of the universe. Despite my legal custody, she has adamantly stated that our son will not go to school here, in his original home and much better neighborhood, but there with her. She even went so far as to illegally enroll him in the local elementary school knowing full well he is legally enrolled here.
I unenrolled him in the school after contacting them and I apologized for the situation. He is already enrolled here, so it can"t be without court order anyway. This infuriated her, and when she found out she refused to allow me to pick up my son last week.
After telling her Friday via texts that I will very reluctantly be there with the police to get my son so that will be here for his first day of school and being ignored, I then went to the police with my custody papers and his bus pass to clarify exactly what was happening. A police officer followed me there, but they were not home. Then she did the unthinkable, and some idiot judge allowed it.
About two hours after leaving the station I got a call from the officer I was just with stating that a restraining order had been filed against me. He said, "It seems odd, she is stating that you threatened to come there with the police and are harassing her with us". I said, what type of nonsense is that? Am I not supposed top call the police in a situation such as this? I need your help to get my son in school, what else am I supposed to do??? Still, I was very co-operative and made myself available right away.
I also want to state that while they could not help me, every police officer I spoke to showed true compassion and genuinely agreed with me that it was a travesty. They were powerless, however unless his life was danger.
After getting in front of everyone I can find to help me in both townships, bottom line appears that only another superior court judge can overturn the order. It is hopeless for now.
So, it appears that instead of proudly watching my son get on the bus Tuesday, I will be in court all day pleading for sanity and justice. Right now, the system has let me down yet again, but this time in the worst way. I can't believe this is happening over pure spite, I really can't. And I had my cameras all ready for when he got on the bus.
I don't really believe anyone can help me, and I know what I have to do to get him back. And she will surely regret this day in the end. I will obtain full custody and never again lift a finger to help her in any form. But, maybe there is something I missed along the way. Some legal loophole. I am desperate.
Here he is. I am missing him real bad today. Glad Scotch exists right now.
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b32/Safetyhit/P8070259.jpg
Sadly it happened on a long weekend, but a lawyer is the only thing that could have stopped this. If you dont have a lawyer now you better have one by 7am tuesday morning.
Having been through my parents being divorced, the best thing you can do is not freak out, let the courts do their thing and explain what is going on. The bad thing on your end is if he has to stay at that school for a while and it seems like you are pulling him out.
Seriously no matter what happens, dont bad mouth your ex, or involve the kid with the bullshit.
Heavy Metal
09-06-09, 14:24
File for full custody and stop this nonsense.
Sadly it happened on a long weekend, but a lawyer is the only thing that could have stopped this. If you dont have a lawyer now you better have one by 7am tuesday morning.
I have an excellent family attorney who is also a personal friend. He and I have spoken numerous times the past few days. There is absolutely nothing he could have done to stop her, and I'm not really sure how you might have come to that conclusion. It is now a matter for the courts, and they are all closed as you already pointed out.
Regardless, I agree with the rest of your statement. I always place my son first, and I know that badmouthing his mother will only break his precious heart.
Thanks for responding.
File for full custody and stop this nonsense.
As stated, that is exactly what I intend to do asap. My immediate concern, however, is him getting on the bus Tuesday like any other normal child.
And yes, it most certainly is nonsense. But nothing that I cultivate nor condone. I have done my best to avoid this nightmare, but apparently it wasn't enough.
If she has him enrolled at another school ,go there with your papers(and Police your call).
if you are primary care giver than they have to release your child to you.I did this about 12 years ago.My daughters lived with me and Like you ,I have Primary custody and their crazy mom tried to bump heads just stirring shit like she always did.
Also make daily logs of who you contacted and talked to and the text to her.also if she does not contact you in 48 hours .file a Missing persons report.this is just a lame attempt By her to redeem herself as a Mom.it can mess up the first day of school ,But you and your son will make up for that!!!!
Good luck and for your son,stay away from the scotch .think with a clear head it is the only to win this ,if you need a drink look at that picture you posted of him.what would he want
be safe keep your mind clear Jason
and on a good note ,That is one good looking Kid you got there
Let me see if I understand this. You have primary custody of your son? He is supposed to be with you right now in accordance with the custody agreement?
I would think that the police could enforce the custody agreement with out you being present.
Call your lawyer early Tuesday morning. Tell him that you would like full custody and that your ex can only have supervised visits. Don’t forget child support. Tell him to take the gloves off.
Don’t have any direct contact with your ex. If she calls, hang up and document the call. If she sends a text message, do not respond. If she send a carrier pigeon shoot it out of the sky. Consider getting a restraining order out on her.
Custody agreements only work when both parents want them to.
I didnt read the other thread, and still have not, so I dont know the back story. The only reason I sad get a lawyer is because so many people I know think it will be an easy divorce no lawyers involved and dont protect themselves.
They end up so screwed because at the last min. the ex decides to take everything, gets it, and gets most of their pay check for 18 years or how ever long it is.
I hope it gets worked out easily.
About two hours after leaving the station I got a call from the officer I was just with stating that a restraining order had been filed against me.
What, exactly, has been filed against you? Has an application for the order been filed, or has an actual order from a judge been filed? Served on you?
What are the provisions of the order? What constraints have been put upon you, or obligations imposed?
In many jurisdictions, there is a distinction between a "restraining order" and an order of protection. The former is generally a whole lot less impressive, and less encumbering, than the latter. Does this apply to you? The particular sub type of order matters here too.
The victim lobby has campaigned year after year to lower the bar at which protective orders can be granted to petitioners. The bar is too low in my opinion. There are petitioners who have a bona fide need for expedited orders and the benefit of the doubt upon application, but they are the smallest portion of applicants.
I've met a lot of guys and dads in your position. The process was slow, but worked for most. Hang in there.
Your best help is a lawyer knowledgable in things like these. Sounds like you've got that covered.
Good luck and for your son,stay away from the scotch .think with a clear head it is the only to win this ,if you need a drink look at that picture you posted of him.what would he want be safe keep your mind clear Jason
and on a good note ,That is one good looking Kid you got there
How nice, thank-you Jason. His heart is even more beautiful, truly an angel sent from heaven.
He is no longer enrolled in her school. I did fax them my custody papers and they removed him. This is easy to verify and will be one of my most powerful weapons in court, as she was well aware she could not do it. Still, she has him anyway knowing the school will no longer take him. That display of arrogance and disregard for the law should speak volumes by itself.
Plus I have two months of text messages between us clearly showing how nice and helpful I am to her. Again, it's not for her, it's for my son.
And I know that drinking (I don't ever drink until drunk) is not the best idea. But, as it sounds like you already know, this is an extremely painful reality for a parent who is dedicated and loving. To be under threat of arrest for trying to see my own son...for nothing but pure spite....and the reality that he will miss such a big day in our lives...too much for me right now.
Would love to see an officer put his job on the line and head over to pick up your kid anyway.
Under the specific circumstances, with all the verifiable proof I have of her manipulation and lies, so would I. I tried and tried, and then I tried again. But I don't want to overdue it and get them mad at me.
Let me see if I understand this. You have primary custody of your son? Yes.
He is supposed to be with you right now in accordance with the custody agreement? We do not have fixed days, but I am the parent of primary residence and normally have him 5 days per week.
I would think that the police could enforce the custody agreement with out you being present. This has certainly not been the case thus far. Trust me on that one.
Call your lawyer early Tuesday morning. Tell him that you would like full custody and that your ex can only have supervised visits. Don’t forget child support. Tell him to take the gloves off. Absolutely. Next week it will be her sitting in this hole I am stuck in now. And now we will be doing things differently I assure you.
If you think of anything before then, I am all ears. Really want him on that schoolbus with the other kids Tuesday if at all possible.
You definately have my sympathy and understanding. Having been through this retarded bullshit. Truth is that the system is created by men works against men. In my experience my ex has stated to me she was a victim of molestation and beatings. She is what they call a cutter (cuts herself to bring physcial pain to forget about the mental), she was baker acted after throwing a pair of scissors at her boyfriend, several car accidents, you name it and STILL the court denied get this a ****ing guardian at lightum* (lawyer that she and I would have to pay to represent our child. I've given the court as much patience as I could. It's just hopeless unless you have the high end lawyer that has all the connects. Fortunately things are much better after time and we are all doing well. I just try to do what I can with my kid and am involved as much as I can.
I'd say avoid the confrontation and get your lawyer squared away also have as many consultations as you can with other lawyers. Contact the principles right away and make them aware of your situation in depth. Also ask them to keep an eye on who is pickin up your child ask to have him/her escorted to the person picking up the child. It might take a week but the lawyer should come through pretty quickly.
What, exactly, has been filed against you? Has an application for the order been filed, or has an actual order from a judge been filed? Served on you? Yes, I was served. The actual wording of the order is as follows: Plaintiff texted defendant and said defendant could not get his son because they had plans. Defendant texted back "Really? Did you plan on having the police in your yard? If you don't knock it off there are going to be problems". Plaintiff then locked up the house, afraid to let the kids outside."
What are the provisions of the order? What constraints have been put upon you, or obligations imposed? No contact of any kind until court on the 10th.
The victim lobby has campaigned year after year to lower the bar at which protective orders can be granted to petitioners. The bar is too low in my opinion. Trust me, you could not possibly be more correct.
I've met a lot of guys and dads in your position. The process was slow, but worked for most. Hang in there. Sincerest thanks.
Also, my actual text was much more benign, and I have it saved. What I really wrote, after being denied my son for two days, was: "Really? I don't think having the police in the front yard of your new home is what anyone wants, certainly not me. But it will happen soon if you don't knock it off. I mean it."
How does that justify and order of protection from a judge on any planet? That is what I am supposed to do, is it not? Ask the police for help to avoid incident?
I am sorry for your trouble. I see these things regularly.
As you probably already know, but some posters may not is that law enforcement has no jurisdiction to enforce custody in most states. This means that without a recent (in my case 48 hours) judges court order, we cannot remove a child from a custodial parent, even if is it not the primary custodian.
It's not a matter of an officer not wanting to get involved it's a matter of an officer violating the law himself. And we all know what would be said then.
It's not a matter of an officer not wanting to get involved it's a matter of an officer violating the law himself. And we all know what would be said then.
I completely understand this now, and I know at least one officer really tried to find some way to help me. He got his supervisor, tried to call her, etc. I will be writing a letter to his chief letting him know what an outstanding representative of the community and the department he was yesterday. That kindness at such a difficult time goes a long, long way.
But again, with the documented motive and lies, as well as the start of school, I hoped that somehow some way I might be able to get him back before school. I even brought his bus pass. :(
Jesus this is the worst feeling. So helpless.
MarshallDodge
09-06-09, 18:05
It sounds to me like the restraining order is temporary until you have your day in court, at least that is the way it was when I lived in Colorado and had an order filed against me by a mentally ill family member.
The judge listened to both sides and threw it out.
My lawyer said that they are pretty quick to write an order to cover their butt, but that it is pretty hard to make them stick.
It sounds to me like the restraining order is temporary until you have your day in court, at least that is the way it was when I lived in Colorado and had an order filed against me by a mentally ill family member.
Yes, it is temporary, and I have substantial tangible evidence to show exactly what she is doing and why. I believe she has hung herself, and I know the ropes better than I would like to.
But it is still almost certainly going to cost my son his first day of school regardless. If that actually happens, I will never forgive her like I have done before. Never. And I am going for everything under the sun this time.
GLOCKMASTER
09-06-09, 18:25
My heart goes out to you Safety. It really bothers me when parents use children as pawns during domestic issues. I know that doesn't help your cause but I am thinking about you.
Good luck man. This is terrible and I can only imagine what you are going through. My wife worked CPS for years before kids and it was disgusting what parents did to each other using the kids as pawns.
Think of your boy and do what you can for total custody.
My heart goes out to you Safety. It really bothers me when parents use children as pawns during domestic issues. I know that doesn't help your cause but I am thinking about you.
I really appreciate that. Thank-you.
I guess the best I can do now is pray for a fair judge first thing Tuesday morning and just suck it up once again until then. Like swallowing broken glass, but so be it.
Good luck next week. Based on the detailed info you've kept documenting your cooperative demeanor, I am sure this will work out in your favor. I am adopted, and my adoptive father had to deal with the same bullshit with his ex. It's not pretty.
For what it's worth I also just want to say that while I have many friends, there is something special about the life experience and knowledge to be found here. I can't count on everyone I know to analyze things as well as they are often done amongst the people in this forum. And a firearm forum no less. :D
Even though I do the best I can to stay out of trouble since I became a father, it still always seems to find me. But I am no victim and don't want to come off as one.
As they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and that I will likely be my case (barring a stress related heart attack).
At least I hope also that maybe others can be made aware of what could happen to them, even when they try to do everything right.
RogerinTPA
09-06-09, 19:04
Nothing to add, except my prayers Safetyhit. Keep the faith brother.
SwatDawg15
09-06-09, 19:06
1. Were you served with the order?
2. I have seen a Judge go ape shit on officers for enforcing custody orders. Sound crazy? Well if someone refuses to give a child back, even if there is a court order saying this day is the others day, then most of the Judges we have don"t allow LE to intervene. They want us to take a report, and tell the Parent to call their attorney, and get a court date. When that day rolls around, they have to explain to the judge why they refused to follow the court order. Normally results in that person being found in contempt, and fined/jailed.
I don't know if thats how it is where you live, but here the Courts have limited us to enforce custody orders. Unless the child is in danger, we can't get involved to much.
3. I have been in your shoes. I am still going threw it years later. I have paid thousands in attorney fees. It is red assing, and the very Justice System I have sworn to uphold, has let me down time, and time again.
All you can do is keep trying, and be there for your son when she disappoints him.
Good luck.
1. Were you served with the order? At my home, but I actually went to my local police station (where I knew it would be faxed) and sat with my officer friend waiting for it. After an hour or so I just went home and they came here when they got it.
2. I have seen a Judge go ape shit on officers for enforcing custody orders. Sound crazy? Well if someone refuses to give a child back, even if there is a court order saying this day is the others day, then most of the Judges we have don"t allow LE to intervene. They want us to take a report, and tell the Parent to call their attorney, and get a court date. When that day rolls around, they have to explain to the judge why they refused to follow the court order. Normally results in that person being found in contempt, and fined/jailed.
I don't know if thats how it is where you live, but here the Courts have limited us to enforce custody orders. Unless the child is in danger, we can't get involved to much. That's how it is here, correct.
3. I have been in your shoes. I am still going through it years later. I have paid thousands in attorney fees. It is red assing, and the very Justice System I have sworn to uphold, has let me down time, and time again.
All you can do is keep trying, and be there for your son when she disappoints him.
Good luck. Thank-you.
Amazing that a police officer could be dragged through the mud like myself for blatant spite. The law should have refined itself by now. Surely we aren't the first, or the last.
It could be worse. I say that because I have been there. Having your child withheld from you illegally is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. My family went through a tragedy similar to what you describe back in 2007 and it took us 1.5 months to get our infant daughter back, missed being with her for her first Christmas . . . I'm pretty emotional about it & yeah I am understating that to avoid posting something dumb on the internet that might haunt me. I understand what missing the first day of school means for both you and your young man. I am sorry for your pain. I do hope it resolves quickly, though I know it hasn't resolved nearly quickly enough. I'll be praying.
JeffLester
09-06-09, 22:26
Safetyhit -- If you ever find yourself needing to talk to someone, pm me. Over the last ten years, I've spend lots of money and time dealing with the same thing. My ex took my kids from Texas to California with little notice. I didn't see them for months and finally flew to CA to exercise my visitation rights. To make a long story short... document, document, document. Do that and be patient. It was the hardest thing for me to do. Don't put your son in the middle, no matter how hard it gets. And when it gets tough, talk to someone. Sometimes, knowing you are not alone can be the thing that gets you through the day. Trust me... you are not alone. I'm sure I'm not the only one here to have been through this crap. By the way, you have a great looking son. You'll both get through this.
It could be worse. I say that because I have been there. Having your child withheld from you illegally is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. My family went through a tragedy similar to what you describe back in 2007 and it took us 1.5 months to get our infant daughter back, missed being with her for her first Christmas . . . I'm pretty emotional about it & yeah I am understating that to avoid posting something dumb on the internet that might haunt me. I understand what missing the first day of school means for both you and your young man. I am sorry for your pain. I do hope it resolves quickly, though I know it hasn't resolved nearly quickly enough. I'll be praying.
Thank-you so much my friend.
Safetyhit -- If you ever find yourself needing to talk to someone, pm me. Over the last ten years, I've spend lots of money and time dealing with the same thing. My ex took my kids from Texas to California with little notice. I didn't see them for months and finally flew to CA to exercise my visitation rights. To make a long story short... document, document, document. Do that and be patient. It was the hardest thing for me to do. Don't put your son in the middle, no matter how hard it gets. And when it gets tough, talk to someone. Sometimes, knowing you are not alone can be the thing that gets you through the day. Trust me... you are not alone. I'm sure I'm not the only one here to have been through this crap. By the way, you have a great looking son. You'll both get through this.
Another thanks to you sir. I tell you there is real solace in these words.
Just can't wait until this is a distant memory.
Going4Broke
09-07-09, 18:50
Wow, my heart goes out to you SH. I missed my daughters 1st birthday do to my work not letting me have the day off. I Balled my eyes out for quite awhile because she and I bonded like no other from day one. She is now 9 and the greatest thing in my life. You are going through worse and I feel a small bit of your pain. I will pray for you and your son and that everything will work out very quickly.
Wow, my heart goes out to you SH. I missed my daughters 1st birthday do to my work not letting me have the day off. I Balled my eyes out for quite awhile because she and I bonded like no other from day one. She is now 9 and the greatest thing in my life. You are going through worse and I feel a small bit of your pain. I will pray for you and your son and that everything will work out very quickly.
Thank-you my friend. I can tell from your writings we have similar hearts. And they are always broken the worst.
You know, it's funny (well, sort of). I always imagined myself walking him to the he bus, videotaping every step, sending him off, then going inside and crying a while myself. Of course I'd be happy for him, but my little guy is moving up in the world and taking his first steps away from Dad. I could never hope to have another loyal, loving, caring, generous, intelligent little friend like him in one billion lifetimes.
But now instead of crying over that, I will surely be fighting off tears in front of mostly dysfunctional stranger idiots at the courthouse. It will be just great I know.
Still, I will be there when they open the doors at 8:30 requesting an immediate order to show cause. Have everything ready, just need tomorrow to get here soon.
Good Luck to you Brother. One of my biggest regrets in life is not doing more to get my visitation enforced. I thought I had a losing hand, but know better now. Do what you have to do and make the sacrifices you need to make. But, I think you know that. I'll be rooting for you.
Good luck to ya.
Keep us updated.
How did it go? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
-Adam
Well, after being the very first one there in the morning at 8:00 and also I swear the very last one to leave an hour after the court closed, I did get the order reversed and am sitting here listening to my son play with our dogs. The judge called her into court to explain her story further and rather slowly saw it for what it was. Also, she produced bruise pictures in court that were from another man. Pathetic narcissistic idiotic bitch.
Anyway, tonight I feel like the luckiest man in the world. :)
Just for a semi-laugh, guess what came up in court? Anyone remember the rap music / parking lot incident? I think it was Kmrtnsn that predicted that might happen, and he was right. She tried everything.
Good job, great to hear things worked out. Always stay cool, she's just trying to play you to get you to snap and then things WILL swing into her favor. Don't play her game.
And always document, document, document. I'd be looking into some audio and video recording for the premises/your person pursuant with your state laws of course.
Having a 2 year old that is the center of my universe, this thread touched a nerve with me. I am very happy to hear your son is with you again.
Take care
Heavy Metal
09-08-09, 20:15
Congrats on your win. Hope you get full custody soon and leave mommy high and dry.
MarshallDodge
09-08-09, 20:45
Congrats on your win, I figured it would come out this way.
Very happy to hear it went right. We were praying:)
Another humble thanks to all of you. Been a great couple of hours since he's gotten here, and now he is sound asleep.
We are ready for school tomorrow, and only one day late. Not so bad.
And the number of parents who didn't want their child to see Obama today makes me feel like it is even less of a big deal. Our President is truly working wonders.
Awesome! Glad to hear it and even funnier about the tie to the rap thread.
Well, after being the very first one there in the morning at 8:00 and also I swear the very last one to leave an hour after the court closed, I did get the order reversed and am sitting here listening to my son play with our dogs. The judge called her into court to explain her story further and rather slowly saw it for what it was. Also, she produced bruise pictures in court that were from another man. Pathetic narcissistic idiotic bitch.
Anyway, tonight I feel like the luckiest man in the world. :)
Good for you. It's easy to be cynical about "the system", but sometimes it actually works.
Watch your back, she may fire another salvo.
outstanding!!!!!great news
SafetyHit,
Glad things are going in your direction as you seem to genuinely care for your son, but a small point for you. Keep in mind that any and all internet communications are subject to subpoena. Anyone that gives advise in this thread should keep that in mind as well. Keep things positive, as they should be for the well being of your son. Negativity gains you nothing in the eyes of the law. Keep your head up, friend. The ordeal is far from over (second hand observer in this case, but I've dealt with the emotional aftermath).
Stay positive, love your son, don't hate the situation but hope for the eventual outcome!
Zhur
Going4Broke
09-09-09, 09:47
Puts a smile on my face SH:). Glad to hear it is all working out.
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