Family Involvement - Did I cross the line?

[sadmin]

My mom told me tonight in private at dinner that she would probably leave my dad. The fight often due to many reasons, one of the main is my dad treats her poorly because hes still "young" at heart, works out, has energy, etc.. and she does little besides reads, cooks, and drinks with other ladies that are of the same mindset. ("We are 55, we can eat and do whatever we want") My mom has a blessed life, she doesnt work and hasnt in a long time, can buy whatever she wants, and do as she pleases; but not without heavy criticism, constantly. They are clearly both in the wrong, not much respect left. Anyway, I wrote them both, telling them they need to work out their differences and honor their marriage vows. Im worried I shouldnt have said anything, my dad isnt going to take lightly me giving him advice. Would any of you have said something / or been in a similar situation? Its ultimately between them and the big man upstairs, but I cant sit by and let this nonsense continue right?
Thanks for any insight.

[SeriousStudent]

I use the mirror test.

Can I look in the mirror, and be able to say I did the best I could?

Sometimes life does not hand us many palatable options. One just has to hold their nose, and do the best they can.

I wish you and your folks luck. Counseling can help. But sometimes leaving is the best option.

[pilotguyo540]

I feel for you. Ultimately, you have no control, but you should have some sway. Your mom told you, and in doing so, included you. Every family has its own dynamic, so forgive me if I over generalize. Since you were informally included by your mother, and formally included in your birth, your letters (depending on how you worded it) should be just fine.

I do not know how old you are or if you are married yourself. These factors really do matter when you are trying to convince someone like your dad. I have to say that the coolest thing as a son is when your dad (the superman of your childhood) starts taking and even asking for your advise. It can take guts to tell your folks how you really feel, and I am sure your dad will respect you for that... even if he doesn't tell you. :)

You can tell them your opinion, and make recommendations on counseling, therapy, etc, but that's really about the ethical limit. Be sure to remind them that they are forever stuck together because of you (and your siblings and/or offspring). That has helped my wife and I stay together a couple of times.:D

It could be that they are completely miserable together because of a million reasons that you may or may not know. There is the possibility of wrongdoing somewhere along the line by one party that may have led to marriage failure years ago. There are so many things that will forever be between your mom and dad that you will never know. In the end, love them both and respect their decision. They still love you, and 99.9% of the time, this has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally.

Last but not least, keep your head up, and out of the impending drama.

Good luck

[JediMindTricks]

My mom told me tonight in private at dinner that she would probably leave my dad. The fight often due to many reasons, one of the main is my dad treats her poorly because hes still "young" at heart, works out, has energy, etc.. and she does little besides reads, cooks, and drinks with other ladies that are of the same mindset. ("We are 55, we can eat and do whatever we want") My mom has a blessed life, she doesnt work and hasnt in a long time, can buy whatever she wants, and do as she pleases; but not without heavy criticism, constantly. They are clearly both in the wrong, not much respect left. Anyway, I wrote them both, telling them they need to work out their differences and honor their marriage vows. Im worried I shouldnt have said anything, my dad isnt going to take lightly me giving him advice. Would any of you have said something / or been in a similar situation? Its ultimately between them and the big man upstairs, but I cant sit by and let this nonsense continue right?
Thanks for any insight.


I think you did right. They are your parents, and you their son. The way things are supposed to go is that your parents take care of you when you're growing up, then you take care of them as they grow old. Your advice is sage, and merits their attention.

When my old man was considering leaving my mom, I had it in for him, but I (being a man) realized what he was going through. My dad is young at heart as well. He has always lifted weights, liked to go out, have drink, and enjoy his life. My mom on the other hand was a great wife (cooked cleaned, raised the kids, and provided a solid backbone for our family), but never kept up with herself as a result of constantly putting her kids 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. My dad had lost his attraction to her and things got shitty. Luckily she is a solid woman, and I think he knows he wouldn't find another like her. She'd stand by him through anything, and so they stayed together.

I talked to my pops and told him how I felt, and I feel he received the advice well. I'm not a father, but I would imagine a father wants to know what his son feels especially about his own father. Just how a boy wants his dad's approval for whatever, I would imagine it's the same the other way around.

Hope this helps

[M4Fundi]

God puts us in the flame to burn away what He wants gone. You are FAMILY you have no right to judge, but every right to advise as FAMILY. Maybe it is the Lord calling you to point out to both of them behavior that is harmful to the Lord, to themselves, to their marriage and to the family. Do this with humbleness, kindness and love. You do not have to be perfect yourself to participate in a proactive manner.

Prayers Sent

[landrvrnut22]

All I can say is it sucks having to parent your parents.

Mine just went through a nasty divorce after 36 years of marriage. My dad travels to China quite a bit for work, and lived there for 6 months. He went to China 2 days after my wedding, and met a 32 year old Chinese girl, and began seeing her.

Fast forward to last summer and my mom found out. When she confronted him, he admited it, and said he wanted a divorce. They kept it from me until the paperwork was filed, and the court date set.

After all was said and done, my mom moved out and got a place of her own. They split up the assests, and my dad said he would help get my mom settled. On moving day he was no where to be found, and I had to do 75% of the work. Fortuneately some family stepped up to help, but I am the only capable male in the family, besides my dad.

So now my dad complains about my mom, my mom complains about my dad. Here I am stuck in the middle of it all. I do my best to let it slide off of me, but it is still tough.

Back on topic, I think you did the right thing. All you can do is your best. Let them know you don't approve. You might be able to help them reconcile before it escalates. Unfortuneately, it was too late in my case. Good luck, and be strong.

[sadmin]

Thank you for the advice and prayers. I am 31 and married, and have my first little girl on the way July 19th. My dad text me this morning and said he would go through my email and he was proud of my wisdom, although not mine, I copied the biblical duties of a man and woman. That made me feel better though since I was worried he would take it out on her because she told me that and hes a very proud, private guy...everything is great on his exterior.
I will not judge, and consider there could be other incidents playing part to this. Ill let yall know what comes of this.
Thanks.