View Full Version : what would you do???kinda long
4 years ago my wife got berast cancer again after 13 years clean... she went through a long run of chemo had a masectomy then more chemo... about a year later she started acting well crazy tell me to leave then call ask where i was or why i left... it wasn't good at all... we ended up separating i moved back to the mid west... we kept in contact as friends... we tried to get back togeather again but the same things happened the irrational behaviour started all over... so back accross the country i go again... 2 months later i get a call from her she went to the dr and has brain cancer she needs emergency sugery and me to take care of her... so back i go... i take care of her get her back on her feet fight with social security to get her disabillity because the brain cancer is terminal... we have a great time for about 4 months i had the lady i fell in love with back... then it starts all over and i'm told to leave... i comply and head back to the mid west and call her every 200 miles do you want me to come back and get the hell no... we stay in contact and she wants to come out here to live i say ok i'll come get you...
so back i go get her and we come back out but i tell her she's going to need to get her own place she's cool with that... she stays at m place for a bit but raises so much trouble i end up getting evicted and she goes back home...that was november last year... so 2 weeks ago i get another call she now has bone cancer and wants me to come be with her while she goes through radiation treatments...
and be there untill the end... i am so confused i love my wife she's my best friend but i'm terrified to try to help because of the past history of her maddness... i want to help but we all know the definition of insanity.... what would you do if you were in my shoes????
Whew...
I don't know what to tell you buddy but I feel bad for you! Can I ask how old your wife is? It sounds like she might not have too many battles left in her. What have the doctors said about her survival rate and time left?
Belmont31R
03-02-10, 19:13
I dont know about your vows but mine said in sickness or in health.
Bro...Prayers for peace and understanding to a very difficult & delicate situation.
I'm afraid to even touch this one and hope you have some trusted loved ones you can lean on. Trust your instincts.
Go to LIVESTRONG.org (http://www.livestrong.org/site/c.khLXK1PxHmF/b.2662949/k.73BB/Get_OneonOne_Support.htm) and draw upon the resources there. They will offer help for your wife and for you. It's not a magic wand, but it's help from good people who know what they're doing. Lean on them.
What you are going through is unimaginable. From one family of survivors to another, our thoughts are with you.
Since you asked what I would do. Move and get an unlisted phone number.
they gave her a year but the remaining tumor in her brain has slowed it's growth... not shure about it now with the bone cancer... i too believe in sickness and in health... but it's the complete maddness she suffers from...
it's like a dr. jekyll & mr. hyde thing... it's horrible... i got her into assisted living place but she freeked out and wouldn't go there... not like i was trying to put her away she'd have her own apartment but are dr's on staff that could take care of emergencys if needed... told her i'd stay with her when she wanted me too and stay away if it came to that again... just want to be able to help any way that i can... but it's real hard... i have no hard feelings twards her just not sure what to do... i really care and want to do whats right...
Alpha Sierra
03-02-10, 20:34
I dont know about your vows but mine said in sickness or in health.
+1 And until death do us part.
Holding to that is what separates the men from the boys.
The whole sickness and health thing is fine, until it screws up your life. You went far beyond what I would have done. How many times are you going to move and rearrange your life only to be told to get out?
pilotguyo540
03-02-10, 20:39
God bless you sir.
I have been through both, just not with the same person. My wife is psycho, so I totally understand the drama torture. I lost my closest niece a year and a half ago to astrocytoma (sp.?) brain cancer. She was only 6. I can't make your decision for you but it sounds as if you already made your conclusion. I don't think waiting it out would be a waste of your time. In the end, I doubt anyone would think any less of you. It takes a man to deal with what you have. Just make sure she is not playing you.
Good luck and god bless.
Just make sure she is not playing you.
I think her calling everytime she is sick constitutes "playing".
pilotguyo540
03-02-10, 20:54
I think her calling everytime she is sick constitutes "playing".
That's obvious, but I was referring to games about being sick to just get attention at her convenience. He knows more than us, but I have known 2 guys whose wife's played that trick. Poor bastards still are scarred.
Yikes. You're in a tough spot. Never been and, God willing, never will be in such a situation. I am one to honor the promise and vows I made with my wife, "in sickness and in health." Hard as it might be now, I know I would personally feel a lot of guilt if I was not there at the end. That's me.
My thoughts and prayers are with you...
Wow, you are a great husband and wonderful friend! My hat is off to you for your dedication to this woman whom you obviously love deeply.
I second ToddG's suggestion that you find a group who can help you to care for her and keep your own sanity intact. It will not be easy but I am confident that it will be both worthwhile and rewarding in the end.
You need people who can help you understand more about your situation and who you can lean on when it gets rough (even ugly).
May God bless you for your sacrifice and may he give you the grace to walk this difficult trail.
I pray too that your wife will experience the healing she needs and that she will be able to return your love in some small way.
Buckaroo
Does the brain cancer have anything to do with her acting this way?
Alpha Sierra
03-02-10, 21:15
The whole sickness and health thing is fine, until it screws up your life.
I'm not telling anyone what to do. I am saying what I will do.
in the way she acts... it's real sad... my sis is a very christian person i've asked her for advice and she said just look at what has happend before... my mom died from brain cancer also she went through alot of the same things... my sis took care of her untill the end it was very hard... but my wife's mental state is just a bit worse... gotta say this though she's not trying to get sympathy by telling me she's sick and i know she's not bullshitting me either about whats going on... my cousin is one of her best friends back home and we talk alot...
+1 And until death do us part.
Holding to that is what separates the men from the boys.
+1
My prayers are with you brother. I pray that God will guide you in this journey. You have both fought through a lot. Fight the good fight...
O
you do realize that her behavioral problems are most likely due to the effects that the cancer/tumor is having on her brain right? that is if she has had no previous history of psych. I find it hard to believe the MDs have not informed you of that. it is not her playing you in any way, it is the physiology speaking.
if you can't take it, go somewhere local, until she is in her right mind again. most likely the brain cancer is a metastasis from the breast cancer, and the same with the bone cancer. she probably doesn't have much longer. remember her for the wife you knew and loved, and be there for her in sickness and in health, because the bad that you are seeing is most likely the cancer, not her.
Wow, that’s some real heavy stuff. Is she taking any meds for the mood swings? Does she ever admit to treating you like crap or is it like it never happened? I am one of those loyal to the bone people that would go help. That kind of devotion to friends and family can bite you in the ass ( and it has bitten me more times than I care to count ) but it’s the right thing to do as you only get one shot to live and do right. The flip side is that at a certain point you really have to start looking out for your own wellbeing and happiness.
I wish you all the best!
Well my thoughts and prayers are with you, your wife and your family. One way I try to look at things is putting myself in the other person's shoes. If it was you that had been fighting the cancer battle and had lost your mind a little bit from the cancer and the treatments, would you want your last days on earth to be with or without your wife? What would your expectations of her be? You have been on an emotional roller coaster and have every right to feel some anger, but you took a vow and you should follow it through. There are a lot of resources in all parts of the country for this exact reason and you should ask for some help. I wish the best for you man and pray that your wife can live the rest of her ( hopefully many) days happy and pain free.
Semper Fi
Tim
She isn't herself. You'd be the same way if the coin was flipped. It's nothing you're doing or not doing. The cancer is causing memory problems, and the confusion/anger/mood-swings are a result of it.
If she is blacking out, acting out without cause, or ending up places without knowing how she got there, she needs to be put under supervision. There is little choice in this matter, she could jump in a car, or accidentally start a fire.
If this was the 1950's, you'd have more control options. It isn't.
Fight for her best you can. Best of luck.
God Bless You!
If you love her and understand the madness is not "her" then you stick it out the best you can, but know when to take care of yourself. You can't help her if you are in the shit and the woman you love wouldn't want you to be destroyed by the disease that is destroying her, but it isn't her fault and she obviously loves you. I'm in great pain just thinking of your challenge and just so you know the love, care and try that you are showing is heroic and inspirational. I'm so sorry and will pray for you and your wife!
Prayers out for you and your wife. I am going to be brutally honest, but at this point it sounds as though she is just using you. She feels safe and comforted with you but once she is out of the thicket she no longer needs you, and she knows she can manipulate you into always being there because you still love her. In the end it is your choice and like others have said, my vows also say till death do us part. I would take measures to secure yourself before diving head first into another pre determined bad situation.
God Bless You!
If you love her and understand the madness is not "her" then you stick it out the best you can, but know when to take care of yourself. You can't help her if you are in the shit and the woman you love wouldn't want you to be destroyed by the disease that is destroying her, but it isn't her fault and she obviously loves you. I'm in great pain just thinking of your challenge and just so you know the love, care and try that you are showing is heroic and inspirational. I'm so sorry and will pray for you and your wife!
I had something to write, but M4Fundi said it already. If it were me, I would be with her until the end.
The whole sickness and health thing is fine, until it screws up your life.
I'm glad my wife didn't feel that way when I was diagnosed with cancer.
There aren't too many pledges/vows that end with the words, "... unless, you know, it's like inconvenient or something."
Smuckatelli
03-03-10, 12:52
There is no easy answer but you did agree to in sickness & in health. When things settle down you will never be able to forgive yourself for not giving her your all to her.
We have all seen this when loved ones die. It is very hard to keep focused as you watch a loved on fight cancer. Old friends are no longer friends, new friends are made that without cancer you never would have made.
Cancer treatments, especially long term cancer treatment have long term effects on the individual and the family. The mood swings are a daily occurrance, they can only be controlled by loved ones understanding that it is not personal. The patient can't control the side effects no matter how tough a person thinks he or she is.
There is no easy answer but you did agree to in sickness & in health. When things settle down you will never be able to forgive yourself for not giving her your all to her.
We have all seen this when loved ones die. It is very hard to keep focused as you watch a loved on fight cancer. Old friends are no longer friends, new friends are made that without cancer you never would have made.
Cancer treatments, especially long term cancer treatment have long term effects on the individual and the family. The mood swings are a daily occurrance, they can only be controlled by loved ones understanding that it is not personal. The patient can't control the side effects no matter how tough a person thinks he or she is.
Here, here.
Assuming it was not her tendency to act so irrationally and hostile before, you are in an extremely un-admirable situation. Holy Moly what confusion you must feel.
If she is full victim to the behavior then you need to do your best for her without allowing your own life to be destroyed. But that does not mean you will not need substantial psychological and other medical assistance simultaneously.
Very, very best of luck to both of you.
You love her. You vowed in sickness and in health. But there's nothing in your vows that said you have to be a victim. You can justifiably set conditions on your support of her. Mine would be that she agree to a mental competency hearing. If she's found mentally incompetent, then she agrees to relenquish control of her affairs to you and becomes your dependent. I would then make sure she received psychiatric care in conjunction with her cancer treatment. It certainly sounds warranted under the circumstances described.
If she loves you and needs you, she will agree. If not, then she's playing you and I'd free myself from the unfortunate situation. Does she have any other family she can turn to?
Either way, it's a very sad situation. You have my prayers and condolences.
goodoleboy
03-03-10, 15:30
4 years ago my wife got berast cancer again after 13 years clean... she went through a long run of chemo had a masectomy then more chemo... about a year later she started acting well crazy tell me to leave then call ask where i was or why i left... it wasn't good at all... we ended up separating i moved back to the mid west... we kept in contact as friends... we tried to get back togeather again but the same things happened the irrational behaviour started all over... so back accross the country i go again... 2 months later i get a call from her she went to the dr and has brain cancer she needs emergency sugery and me to take care of her... so back i go... i take care of her get her back on her feet fight with social security to get her disabillity because the brain cancer is terminal... we have a great time for about 4 months i had the lady i fell in love with back... then it starts all over and i'm told to leave... i comply and head back to the mid west and call her every 200 miles do you want me to come back and get the hell no... we stay in contact and she wants to come out here to live i say ok i'll come get you...
so back i go get her and we come back out but i tell her she's going to need to get her own place she's cool with that... she stays at m place for a bit but raises so much trouble i end up getting evicted and she goes back home...that was november last year... so 2 weeks ago i get another call she now has bone cancer and wants me to come be with her while she goes through radiation treatments...
and be there untill the end... i am so confused i love my wife she's my best friend but i'm terrified to try to help because of the past history of her maddness... i want to help but we all know the definition of insanity.... what would you do if you were in my shoes????
I assume that her bouts of insanity are the results of her brain cancer, treatment, or complications from her prognosis. If that is the case, it's not like she means it.
If I were in your shoes, I would ask myself this question: "What would I want her to do if the roles were reversed?" Guilt is a terrible thing to have to live with. If the roles were reversed and she couldn't help her bouts of insanity, that could lead to guilt down the road, even if it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
I can't answer that question for you, and I promise I won't pass judgement on you regardless of your decision. I don't know the extent of what's going on, but hopefully that can help you make the right choice.
The whole sickness and health thing is fine, until it screws up your life.
:rolleyes:
thanks all for the kind words and advice... i've decided just to stay put for now... i will go and visit here in a few weeks but i know the time limit before bad things start to happen... when it comes time for her end i will be with her no matter what...
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