View Full Version : How to deal with a shitty living situation
This may get long, but I need some advice and also need to get some shit off my chest and air it to some people who really do not know me and can look at the situation from a different aspect than my parents or other close friends.
Background:
Moved to where I am living currently about a year ago from Texas. I grew up here, moved to Texas for work for about 3 years and then moved back. Moved in with one of my best friends in the world, who owns the house. At the time I asked if I could rent out his spare bedroom another one of our buddies was, as far as I knew, the only other person living here and I was cool with him. I did not know his, my best friend who owns the house, GF was basically living here.
Fast forward a few months:
The other guy that was living here moved out due to a job relocation. Him and my friend who owns the house were basically splitting the cost of the house. I pay a very small amount of the total amount for the house. Through this my buddy has NEVER asked me to pay any more than I am paying even though I have offered.
Now to the current issue:
I CAN NOT STAND my buddies GF, who now lives here full time(and has since at least June). I dont know if she pays my buddy anything or not, not really my place since I dont think I pay enough to live here anyway. The reasons I cant stand her are numerous and, while related to the topic, they dont really matter. I never signed up to live with her, and honestly did not know her or know she was living here before I moved in. I know my buddy knows my stance on his GF.
My quandary:
I have not been happy since about September(after a situation happened between his GF and I and we dont speak anymore). I think my buddy knows I am not happy, but we dont really talk about it. There are basically two main reasons I have not broached the topic of me moving out which are:
-my buddy is upside down on this house, and even though I dont pay him much, I know that if I move out it will put him in an even tougher position financially and I dont want to do that.
-I feel if I tell him the reason I am moving out is because of his GF that his and I's friendship is going to be over.
I am really torn as to what to do. I dont want to stay living here, but I also do not want to ruin the friendship I have with my buddy. I really dont know what to do or even really how to go about talking to my buddy about it without being blunt about the situation. I feel that I can be adult about this situation and I hope that he could be as well, but I just dont know.
Anybody got any advice for this situation? Not looking for any specific things to do I guess since I honestly know what I need to do, just trying to figure out how to get around to it. Probably most answers will just be to sack up and take care of business.
Belmont31R
12-13-10, 01:48
My experience with past friends is once they get hooked on some girl your relationship is pretty much toast anyways.
My "best friend" and I talk maybe 3-5 times a year now, and started when he met his now wife. We used to hang out almost every day, go hiking, hunting, shooting, drinking, ect.
If your buddy has done this then theres not really much foul in finding a new place to live. I found out through my friends mother his now wife was complaining about his friends and how we were a bad influence on him. Once I went home on leave, and drove half way across the country to see my friends. We went to a cigar bar...all of us guys...and my friend was on the phone with his now wife almost the entire night. Kinda figured our friendship was more out of old time sake at that point anymore, and he had moved onto other things.
So now I don't really hold onto friendships just because we used to be good friends. Im still cordial and answer the phone, send emails once in a while, ect...but I don't really attempt to make anything out of it. Even people local to us Ive given up on since everyone is so ****in flaky about doing anything its not worth the hassle. Ill see people or whatever, and its like "yeah we should go shooting or get our kids together"...and then when I ask them later on if they want to its always an excuse not to. I just don't go out of my way anymore to make friendships with people or anything like that.
I say move out but be honest with your buddy ?
just say look you got a GF time I give you some space if he says no stay then say look your GF kinda rides on my nerves ? so maybe its me that needs the space ;)
at least thats what I would do I am always honest no matter what :)
Business_Casual
12-13-10, 05:39
It's called growing up.
B_C
montanadave
12-13-10, 06:30
While your loyalty to your friend is admirable, his financial difficulties are his, not yours; you assumed no financial obligation when you moved in, apparently signed no lease or rental agreement, and have paid the rent amount your friend asked for; and, finally, you are paying for a place to live and, if the current situation is unacceptable, you deserve to find an alternative living situation wherein you can be comfortable.
As for the girlfriend, Belmont31R is likely correct. You might not be talking to your friend about your difficulties with her, but I doubt she is as reticent with him. Getting in between your buddy and his girl is a no-win situation and that's where you are. In reality, extricating yourself from this situation is probably in everyone's best interest. If your friend is "underwater" on his mortgage, he needs to make some tough decisions and your rent money is likely only a "band-aid" which is enabling him to avoid that decision.
Move out, move on, and let the chips fall where they may. If you feel your friend is incapable of dealing with the situation is a mature manner, the relationship is doomed anyway.
I was in almost the same situation as you years ago. My best friend and I were sharing the same place then he started seeing his old GF. He knew I could not stand her but he started seeing her again.
This is what is happing in your case. The GF wants to move in but cant until you get out. I’m not saying that your friend has invited her to move in, or that she even realizes that she wants to move in, but somewhere in the back of her head a little voice is saying “get him out”.
The best thing you can do is leave. The longer you stay the worse it will get. Find a place and sign a lease. This way when your friend tries to talk you out of it you can just say “I signed a lease”.
Invite a homeless guy to live their in your place. That will make the beyotch gf miss you.
I have not been happy since about September(after a situation happened between his GF and I and we dont speak anymore). I think my buddy knows I am not happy, but we dont really talk about it. There are basically two main reasons I have not broached the topic of me moving out which are:
-my buddy is upside down on this house, and even though I dont pay him much, I know that if I move out it will put him in an even tougher position financially and I dont want to do that.
-I feel if I tell him the reason I am moving out is because of his GF that his and I's friendship is going to be over.
You seem like a good guy, but I have a hard time understanding what your real dilemma is. Unfortunately the ones you've explained don't seem to make any sense. It would seem almost inconceivable to me that a grown man would be worried about hurting his friend feelings under such circumstances, especially when you are allowing he and his girlfriend to have their privacy. It's not like your all he has in town.
As far as your financial contributions, paying a partial mtg payment each month is doing next to nothing to help with his home being underwater. If that is the case then he needs to try to attempt some sort of modification with his lender, then maybe a short-sale down the line when he is ready to move on. This unless the lender will reduce his principal amount owed, which is extremely rare still even today.
Either way, all you are doing is contributing to monthly expenses most likely, not saving his home. You don't have to needlessly weigh that burden of guilt in with your decision.
Spurholder
12-13-10, 09:31
OP, based on what you're telling us, I recommend the following:
1) Find a different place to live. Yesterday.
2) Don't get between your buddy and his squeeze.
3) Be there to support your buddy when everything goes south. Because in all probability, it will go south.
HTH.
Thanks for all the replys. They are about what I was already thinking. His GF does live here and has, she is not trying to move in. I understand the financial difficulties are his(and so does he because we have talked about it) and the little bit that I pay him, while not really fixing the situation he is in, I think is helping enough that he can still pay the mortgage. If I move out I think he is going to have to give the house back to the bank. Again, while not my responsibility, I feel really bad for him because he is in a shitty situation.
He knows my dislike for his GF so it should be no surprise to him. Pretty much all of our friends have the same feelings about her. Pretty much all of our friends also know my thoughts on wanting to move out so if he goes to them to complain I think every one of them is going to tell him the same thing and that is I have not been happy for a while with the living situation. Our old room mate was also not happy with the situation because the GF was also basically living here when he was living here and, while not the main factor in him moving out, he said it didnt hurt to help him make the decision to take a job relocation.
I guess I basically just need to sack up, sit down with my buddy and lay it out and you all just confirmed that I need to do it.
you've gotta tell your bro you're moving out because you hate his girlfriend. you never know- maybe deep down, he hates her too and will kick her out instead.
but as everyone else has already said, you can't continue to live there. if you really feel some financial obligation to your homie, try to find a new boarder before you leave.
if you really feel some financial obligation to your homie, try to find a new boarder before you leave.
I tried to do this when our other room mate moved out, offered to clean up the other bedroom and bathroom, take some pics, and throw an ad on craigslist, but he said, nah, id rather not. So getting somebody to replace me wont be happening, at least I dont think so.
If you are not happy, GET OUT QUICKLY.
You have to put yourself FIRST.
worrying about another mans financial troubles, his crappy gf, etc, what a mess. No need to bother yourself.
And do not get confrontational with either one of them. You never know how they may feel and when one thing leads to another, you're going to be shirtless on an episode of COPS.
Get out as soon as possible.
CarlosDJackal
12-13-10, 10:21
IMHO, moving out is the best course-of-action for everyone. Things change and people change. Good luck!!
ThirdWatcher
12-13-10, 13:51
Life is too short... I wouldn't burn any bridges (your buddy already knows you don't care for his GF) but I would move out and get on with life.
ChicagoTex
12-13-10, 15:20
you've gotta tell your bro you're moving out because you hate his girlfriend. you never know- maybe deep down, he hates her too and will kick her out instead.
Without having another place to go right away and all his stuff packed up already that's an extremely risky play. Better than half the time those convos tend to end with "Get out NOW" leaving you without a place to stay and your stuff potentially being held for ransom by your ex-buddy.
People get really sensitive when it comes to their significant others - just the way it usually goes.
I tried to do this when our other room mate moved out, offered to clean up the other bedroom and bathroom, take some pics, and throw an ad on craigslist, but he said, nah, id rather not. So getting somebody to replace me wont be happening, at least I dont think so.
Then he is continuing to make the bed that he is laying in. He will have to make the decision when you move out. If he want to keep the house then he has rooms to rent.
Take care of yourself and avoid the GF drama. He may need your friendship in the future and it should not be dependent on how you get along with her.
Buckaroo
jklaughrey
12-13-10, 16:07
Maybe there is some sexual tension! Perhaps suggest a threesome to quell any issues.:sarcastic:
Needed some levity. Seriously though, leave and don't look back nor even second guess the decision. Life is too short and being stressed and depressed isn't doing your health and mindset any good. Sometimes you have to trim the fat so to speak, even if they be friends or kin!
My experience with past friends is once they get hooked on some girl your relationship is pretty much toast anyways.
Says alot about a persons character in my view. It pisses me off when some good friend drops off the face of the earth when some new chick pops up, and worse, they come back soon as the toy is gone.
I never did that to my friends, not when I was married, not before, not after. I have just a few close friends who even when they got married, had kids, etc didn't disappear.
Always kept in touch with my friends. If you're a friend of mine, you're a friend for life, and no vag of the month will change that.
I lose all respect for prior friends who drop all their friends because they are hooked up with a gal or guy (female friends are even worse I find..)
Of course life takes over, and one does not always have the time they had for their friends, but that drop off the face of the earth sh*^ some (sadly most) is bad mojo.
When a friend meets a new chick, and starts getting serious, I pretty much assume he's lost.
Once in a while, I'm wrong, but have only been wrong a few times on that, which sucks.
OK, back to the OT. OP, your situation is part of growing up. You have little choice but to tell your friend his GF is not the person you planned to live with (and if she's a real idiot, what does that say about your bud?) and take the big boy steps to get your own place.
Good luck.
What is this?
Ann Landers?
Dr. Phil?
Jerry Springer?
Why would an adult ask such advice on a gun forum?
Grow up and get a pair.
Go find yourself your own woman and get your own woman troubles.
No need to borrow somebody else's, unless you're borrowing his woman, too.
It's called growing up.
B_C
LOL, yeah.
What is this?
Ann Landers?
Dr. Phil?
Jerry Springer?
Why would an adult ask such advice on a gun forum?
Grow up and get a pair.
Really? I would have thought better of an "Industry Professional". This is about the most un-professional thing I have read on this site. What is this BARFCOM?
If you dont want to reply to this thread with something constructive(everything so far has been), then, respectfully, stay the **** out.
Thanks for all the advice from the guys who have given good, constructive advice. I told my room-mate today(he is traveling) that we need to talk when he comes home.
My dad asked me to get all of my guns out of the house and into his gun safe just in case something shitty goes down. He(my dad) has no alternative motives except to protect my and my shit. He wants to come over tomorrow and get most all my shit out, but I am holding off for now with moving shit out ASAP.
Spurholder
12-15-10, 08:37
Rule #1 - listen to your old man.
Rule #2 - see Rule #1
/thread.
Told him I was moving out. He didnt really ask the reason so I am sure he kinda knew this was coming and that he also already knows the reasons, even if he doesnt want to admit it. He didnt get upset, said he understood and that was that.
I guess maybe I, in my mind, blew things out of proportion a bit.
It seems, at least right now, that our friendship will remain intact, but I will wait and see how things go with that.
I did get all my guns out of the house this morning and into my dad's safe, just for safety sake.
What is this?
Ann Landers?
Dr. Phil?
Jerry Springer?
Why would an adult ask such advice on a gun forum?
Grow up and get a pair.
Or it could simply be a guy looking for an objective opinion from an actual peer group of people he respects, very much unlike asking Dr. Phil.
To the OP, seems everyone else made their decisions, and they don't seem to have taken your feelings on the matter into consideration. You should probably do likewise.
If your friends are truly your friends, they will understand and respect the decisions you felt you had to make.
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