View Full Version : "A Field Guide To Gun Shows"
Worth a chuckle for anyone who hasn't seen it:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1169528/posts
5pins guide for gun shows.
Stay home. Take the money you would have spent on gas an admission and use it to pay shipping for the stuff you can buy cheaper online.
An even funnier one:
The Know it ALL dealer : The know it all dealer can tell you the entire history of every gun in the place. He can be a great help to a newbie but the fact is he doesn't know shit. In his perfect memory (fantasy) the guns on his table are truly unique and one of a kind. Never mind the ****ing serial numbers being in the 4 million range. When doing you the large favor of just acknowledging your presence, he can and will make you the deal of a lifetime. Preban (sic) weapons of fierce lineage. The AR15 on his table ? Yep, sure enough it's the one issued to Carlos Hathcock. The Norinco .45 ? You gessed it, Audie Murphy carried that one. The hicap AR mags ? Of course they are the "real deal" buster. These were carried in 'nam. None of the imitation USGI shit here man, the real thing. They have 10% of the original finish left and are worth $60 each, and you are damn lucky he is in a good mood.
The Wannabe : This guy is usually in his late teens or early twenties. Hasn't been laid but once in his life and wants you to believe you are an inch away from a sure, swift, horrific death just because he walked within 5 feet of you on an aisle. Sporting the trendy "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out" new t-shirt and a pair of Danner copies. His pants are stuffed in his boot tops, he is DAMN sure he can handle any weapon at the show and is the first guy in line to by from Mr. Know it ALL dealer. He is specops material for sure. If he ever saves enough money to buy gas to go over to the enlistment office he will offer his services to this fine country of ours. As long as he can skip boot camp, not have to cut his hair and can lead some really cool Ranger outfit. Otherwise, it's too much trouble. He watches movies about war and sits and loudly elaborates on how he would have done things if he had been in charge of the movie outfit.
The Class III dealer : This guy is one way cooool mother ****er. He has twenty five guns lined out on his table with the little signs "Please don't touch" every two or three inches. If you ask him ANY question he looks scornfully at you and let's you know you are a waste of good useable oxygen. He has the same guns at every show, and the same crappy accessories in his little glass case. The reason he hangs on to his stuff forever is he wants 13k for a registered receiver Uzi in about 70%. This along with the BANNED SAR48 Springfield for $9500 in 80%. The mags in the case ? Well they are there for serious customers only. Yep, Glock hicaps are $125 each and oh yes, the MP5 curved 30 rd mags at $100 each used is only for a "serious" buyer. Sadly he doesn't realize just how much business he pisses away when answering every question with an angry, hostile response. He doesn't at all understand money or the international exchange rate of same. This is evident because this idiot full auto bastard MUST have everything priced based on Canadian dollars. Why would he be 40% high on everything ?
The JUNK guy : This fine fellow will bring 8 tables worth of rusted shit you never recognize. He has several boxes of stuff on his tables. Too lazy to unload, tag or price any of it, he is assuming that every son of a bitch at the show is going to stop in and immediately recognize something from the mess. Goes to EVERY show, the same shit and when you walk buy, he is sitting on his ass talking shit to a buddy and ignoring anyone or anything around his tables. If you happen to be so lucky as to get his attention and ask about a specific item in the hopes that the all elusive magic part you need may be hidden away in his shit, he simply says "yeah I have one, check back with me in about an hour, I will see if I can find it". You, being most patient and amenable agree and walk on. After an hour, you drop back by his table and ask if he found your wonderzap springs. "What was that ? Yeah I think I have one of those, check back with me in an hour or so"
The Mag Guy : This fellow sells only mags. He may wear a white straw cowboy hat. His attitude is the worst of any seller in the show. He has hundreds of mags, all thrown out on a table. Many are rusted and worn beyound recognition. If you happen to ask about a specific mag, he snaps at you and informs you " yeah $140". Shit ! Who knew a CZ mag would be worth that much ? If you ask him to confirm the price, he gets furious and barks for you to move on since you can't afford shit anyway. Nevermind the black Steyr you are carrying and the 5k in cash you brought.
The Kinda Shady Guy : This person has two tables. It is covered with things ranging from LEO mags to ****ed up home job AR kit guns. His willingness to let you in on the "really good deals" on shit you can't get ANYWHERE else is a testament to his fine demeanor. "Yeah those are LEO mags, but hey do you REALLY think they're gonna chack you ? Shit, those BATF guys don't care about this kind of stuff, they are out looking for gun runners. They're too stupid to even know what's legal and what isn't anyway. If the LEO mags bother you, I have a shitload of ones I just refinished myself. You can't see the LEO markings on them at all " The AR kit guns all have selector switches that rotate 180 degrees and some have an M16 bolt. He isn't going to tell anyone about them so just buy it and keep quiet...ok ? You can have an AR with MACHINE GUN parts in it. How cool is that ? The AR's are right next to the pre-86 $179 drop in sears with the copied letter in the little bag, just so you can be "legal".
The Beanie Baby/Ammo guy : He is selling ammo and beanie babies. Well actually his wife and kid are selling the beanie babies. Cavim .308 for $200 a case and Pooch the Snoot (or WTF ever) beanie baby for $25 bucks. Nevermind the fact that he bought the Cavim from the guy across the aisle who still has quite a bit left selling for $149 a case. He opens up boxes of IMI SS109 from Cole and puts a few on stripper clips and sells it to The Wannabe for $60 a clip. If you happen to be so bold as to inquire why in hell he would try to sell ammo right across the aisle from the same ammo priced $50 less a case, he just looks real confused at you and says I got two cases, you interested in a Beanie Baby today ?
The Knife Guy : This guy is sharp. He is in the zone when it comes to gunshows. He buys every piece of merchandise he sells off the Shop At Home cable show. The daggers, the swords and oh HELL yes the tactical folders with a boot, belt or pocket clip. Where the hell else is Wannabe going to get the really cool survival knife for 18 bucks out the door ? Where WOULD the Mexicans buy the daggers and Bowie knock offs to keep in their back pockets ?
The Beef Jerky guy : This fellow has lost sight of the fact that "THIS - IS - A - GUNSHOW". He puts his two coolers of shrink wrapped jerky on the table, a cooler of cold drinks and a little sign reading "free cold drink with every purchase". He spends the entire gunshow giving out samples to passers-by. He sells beef jerky to the Beanie Baby/Ammo guy because he is too cheap to buy his wife and kid a hotdog from the concession stand, the FREE cold drink cinched it. The trips, three purchases and viola ! free lunch and drinks. The Jerky guy thinks he is doing well because three customers have bought his beef jerky in the last 10 minutes. He has no idea the reason his table always seems so crowded is because he is setup right in front of the concession stand at all those people are in line to get nachos.
The Doofus Guy : This fellow is in his late 50's or 60's and works gunshows part time with the missus. She sits behind the table all day, licking her little dogs ass and smoking like a ****ing chimney. She is wearing sequens and makes damn sure everyone she speaks with KNOWS she drove here in a Lincoln. They are trying to sell things like Leapers scopes, lame videos, cheapo cleaning stuff and aftermarket sights. They don't know shit about what goes with or on what and their only response to any question is "what we have is on display" He is pussy whipped beyond belief and at randon times (when safe) he has an outburst just to confirm his manhood (as long as Mama says it is ok). No warranty, no refund, all sales final. If you buy anything from him and it breaks well, you should have known that before you bought it.
The Mexican gunshow attendee : I'm not talking about Americans who have Mexican heritage, I'm talking about the taco bending mother ****er who can't speak a word of english and is wearing white shoes. He is dragging the wife who is wearing her rosary and a shawl along with 8 or 9 mutants screaming and running around getting in the way. Wannabe, has to hold back when he sees them. He is sure he could take them all. The Mexican is looking for an AK. It is Saturday, he went by the liquor store and cashed his paycheck on the way to the show, so he is rolling in fluid cash. Three maybe four hundred. He walks past one table and another until he comes to the one he has been "looking for". A VERY post Romak single stack. $400 and a handshake later he is over at the Mag Guy's table trying to buy 30 rd mags for it. His wife just looks confused and a little nervous, the kids are all lined up at the Beef Jerky guys table swiping samples like government cheese
The Mag Guy gets pissed and starts yelling and the Mexican gets offended. He leaves the wife at the Mag Guys table holding the single stack Romak, to go over to see the Knife Guys to get a kinfe so he can settle this shit. He will be right back. The kinda shady guy who sold him the Romak is keeping his head down now in hopes that the Mexican doesn't realize he bought a single stack for $400. The Doofus stops the Mexican on the way to the Knife Guy's table and asks if he would like to buy a set of paper-clip night sights for his new AK. He does. By now the Beanie Baby/Ammo guy sees the Mexican and offers him some ammo. Realizing the Mexican doesn't speak english, he decides to quit trying to sell ammo and picks up a beanie baby and says loudly and slowly " PIINNNYYAAAATTAA por El Nino". He takes two.
By now Wannabe is damn sure all hell is going to break loose. He hurries back to the Know it ALL dealers table and buys all the $60 AR mags, 'cause the shit is about to hit the ****in' fan and he has got to have the real deal to come out of it alive. The Class III dealer is now sure one of the little Mexicans who are picking up his guns are going to steal one. He starts running around the table trying to chase the little bastards off and realizes one of them ran off with an MP5K and is running around the show yelling BANG ! BANG ! Every time he tries to catch the little turd he runs under a table to the next aisle. Finally the little bandito gets to the Kinda Shady Guys table. KSG realizes the opportunity at hand and shoves the kid under his table until Mr Class III asshole runs by in a panic. When the coast is all clear he pulls the little Mexican out from under the table and sends him on his way. He takes the MP5K from the kid and tells him he shouldn't be playing with real guns, the kid hears his mother scream and takes off because Mexican just stabbed the Mag Guy with the knife he bough from The Knife guy. Kinda Shady Guy turns around and digs in his bag, slaps a price tag on the MP5K and put's it out on his table for sale. The Junk guy realizes the Mag Guy is now dead and goes over and offers to buy all the mags left from the Mag Guys wife. Horribly shaken, she agrees and sell everything. The Junk Guy rakes all the mags off the table into a couple of boxes and takes and sets both boxes out on his table.
This is usually where I come in. Everyone acting like they just won the lottery or pissed off at the world. Doofus, Beanie Baby, Beef Jerky and Knife guys have had a good day. They sold something. Know it ALL Dealer and Class III guys are now more sure than they were EVER before that their opinions of gunshow customers are accurate. Kinda Shady guy still isn't saying shit (know what I mean ?) and Wannabee is stranded on one of the rafters where he climbed up to get a better shot. He is hanging upside down from a rapelling rope and yelling for help as he tries to get to his survival knife. Not sure what he is going to do with it when he gets to it though. The Junk Guy made out like a bandit, but will never realize it because he will continue to ignore buyers and the Mag Guy...well let's just say I ain't going to lose any sleep over him being gone. So as I walk from aisle to aisle, looking for anything I can use, I always feel like I just missed the big happening. Why else would these ignorant ****s be the way they are ? Yep, I must have missed something big.
SeriousStudent
02-04-12, 14:45
SteyrAUG, there may have been one or two denizens that slipped past you.
Homemade Jewelry Lady, Reloader Codger, and Blowgun Boy.
Or perhaps those are regional subspecies we see down here in Texas? Otherwise, I can report sighting all the ones you mentioned.
And quite possibly the guy who takes home the most profit locally is Knife Sharpener Dood. Thre's always a line in front of his bench grinder, and he takes a lot of greenbacks. He is easily spotted - not from a sign, but from a cloud of aluminum oxide dust slowly rising skyward.
He'll happily put a "real edge" on that knife of yours for about $10, since "those idiots at Benchmade" don't know anything about quality steels.
Moose-Knuckle
02-04-12, 16:31
These are good guys, and the only reason why we find them so funny is because they are all TRUE! :D
SteyrAUG, there may have been one or two denizens that slipped past you.
Homemade Jewelry Lady, Reloader Codger, and Blowgun Boy.
Or perhaps those are regional subspecies we see down here in Texas? Otherwise, I can report sighting all the ones you mentioned.
And quite possibly the guy who takes home the most profit locally is Knife Sharpener Dood. Thre's always a line in front of his bench grinder, and he takes a lot of greenbacks. He is easily spotted - not from a sign, but from a cloud of aluminum oxide dust slowly rising skyward.
He'll happily put a "real edge" on that knife of yours for about $10, since "those idiots at Benchmade" don't know anything about quality steels.
Student I think you must attend the same shows I do, don't forget the douche bag with his wife in the back corner at all the shows wearing NASCAR apparel and trying to sell that peg board wall of $200 offical NASCAR jackets t-shirt, caps, and replica stock car minis. :rolleyes:
Steyr......you have them pegged...all of them.
You can't leave out Nazi memorabilia dude, and leather belt and buckle lady.
And don't forget Gangbanger Dude and his Straw-Purchaser Ho.
Steyr......you have them pegged...all of them.
I wish I had penned the wonderful bit of satire. But IIRC it was HKocker (aka SPECOPS and known associate of Gecko45) and it was posted on arf about 10 years ago.
I wish I had penned the wonderful bit of satire. But IIRC it was HKocker (aka SPECOPS and known associate of Gecko45) and it was posted on arf about 10 years ago.
:D
I knew it looked familiar. I actually figured McUzi though....
Brilliant!:lol:
Although I think the one SteyrAUG posted was a little better- especially the summary at the end. May have to share these around.
I swear I've seen every one of these type of folk at the shows I've gone to here in VA....
SeriousStudent
02-05-12, 00:14
These are good guys, and the only reason why we find them so funny is because they are all TRUE! :D
Student I think you must attend the same shows I do, don't forget the douche bag with his wife in the back corner at all the shows wearing NASCAR apparel and trying to sell that peg board wall of $200 offical NASCAR jackets t-shirt, caps, and replica stock car minis. :rolleyes:
I live just north of you, and went to a show in the new minor league event center, just up the road from you.
There was a guy there that had an an Olympic Arms carbine with a ......drumroll please........ Barret fifty-caliber muzzle brake mounted on it.
Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Over. :confused:
Now if that was not scary enough, there was a guy actually looking at it, and not howling with laughter. Sweet baby Jebus, he was a serious buyer.
I shit you not. Vic303, another member on this board, was there with me and can corroborate the hideous truth of this tale.
I can still taste the vomit in my mouth, when I recall that day......
I wish I had penned the wonderful bit of satire. But IIRC it was HKocker (aka SPECOPS and known associate of Gecko45) and it was posted on arf about 10 years ago.
you forgot the newest edition to the gun show scene...the abortion quality kydex holster guy whose advert shtick is "better than raven cuz theres no wait".
he is always at the west palm fairgrounds now!
SeriousStudent
02-05-12, 00:59
There was a guy at a show recently with a hot glue gun and a soldering iron, offering to stipple people's Glocks while they waited.
Really.
I was sooooooooooooooooo tempted to ask what the hot glue gun was for. But I was afraid that if I even briefly spoke to him, his motarditry might be infectious.
It's all so true...
Fortunately, I am old enough to remember when gunshows were good. Most of the guys I know now call it the Sock & Jerky Show.
Suwannee Tim
02-05-12, 21:30
Trouble with gun shows, they are always on Saturday and Sunday and except for church, I am outside on Saturdays and Sundays. What a way to waste a precious Saturday afternoon.:sad:
buckshot1220
02-05-12, 22:22
The guys selling Airsoft crap especially bother me. I hate being able to hear all the mouth breathers firing full auto (empty) from the far reaching corners of the room. You can't escape them anymore.
I inevitably run into 1-3 people per show that still reek of weed, I assume they hot boxed the car on the way because it is usually quite strong. I don't smoke weed, and people who do don't bother me, however, don't come to a GUN show blazed. It pisses me off even more that the zip tie Nazi at the door allows them in, but asks me four times if I'm carrying concealed.
turdbocharged
02-06-12, 10:47
You forgot:
SmellyCreepyMan: He's 45 and hasn't showered in a week. His butt crack is sticking out of his Arizona jeans that have ketchup stains on them from the large Italian sausage he just ate. He figures it's ok though because the stench he is emanating is being covered up by the combined cloud of ass sweat from the other residents of Hooterville township. What's left of his wrinkly holey t-shirt says FBI(Female Body Inspector) Even though he hasn't seen a pair of tits since the last time he was on them interwebs. He bets his life on Rugers, but is at this show to purchase a new Judge for home defense. Also he is an expert at marksmanship(as long as it's a 30-06 on a sandbag rest) and doesn't understand why them kids need one of those their M16 type rifles.
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