My life was just turned upside down.......

[SteyrAUG]

My thoughts:

It seems to me like you are acting on impulse or emotion here. Have you really thought this through? I don't wish to encourage you to take in this child in need, or discourage you either. I'm simply wondering what happens six months from now when things settle down and you realize your life is not longer your own. That slap from reality can be a heavy handed one, even in ideal circumstances when people plan this out and do it deliberately.

Do you like your life or any aspect of it? If you want things to stay as they are, then don't do this. If you don't like your life the way it is, and want to completely change it all around, then go for it. Understand that there will be changes that you can't fathom right now. Whether or not these changes are for the better is a matter of perception. Some love and some hate it. Its a mixed bag for most people.

Jumping in and being the hero is going to feel great at first, but how are you going to feel months or years from now? You might feel great and its the best thing you've ever done. It might give your life meaning and purpose that you never knew existed. Or it might suck real hard, and you'll resent what has happened to your once carefree life. If you are the kind of strong person who has the intestinal fortitude to soldier on though the rough stuff and offer an unusually high level of self-sacrifice for years on end, then by all means, rescue this little girl and give her a great life. If you are going to resent the life changes, lack of seep, loss of money, strain on your relationship with the GF, etc…, then don't get in the middle of this mess.

Think this through before you sign those papers. Talk to several people who have raised daughters. Try to gain more insight into what you are really signing up for. And your GF? Is she really on board with this? Does she really want to be an instant Mommy? How is she going to feel when you work late and she has to do the laundry so the kid has clean clothes for school, and the dishes, and get the kid ready for bed?

Just food for thought man. Things to consider.

Please keep us posted.

All true, but a person has to live with what they do and don't do. Sometimes you know when it's time to step up and you know when it's time to bow out. Do either one incorrectly and you can earn a lifetime of regret. Do them correctly and you can sleep the peaceful sleep of those who did the right thing at the right time.

Nothing is easy, life is messy, but sometimes you can do what you view as the right thing, for no better reason than you recognize it as the right thing and if you get lucky you won't suffer more than you benefit.

[Rogue556]

I can see both sides of the argument for taking her in, but I truely think you're doing the right thing here. Like the others, I have a great deal of respect for what you're doing.

There is no telling what issues will come about later on. I have an older brother (half brother, technically) who's never met his father, and he grew up lost and full of mistakes. He turned to drugs early and after about 15 years is back on track for the most part, but it was a rough road and I'm honestly not sure how my parents managed staying sane through it. If my father hadn't stepped in and adopted my brother at the age of seven, he'd have certainly turned out worse. If you hadn't done what you did, she'd almost certainly be a mess waiting to happen. She may still be, honestly.. but she's going to stand a much better chance at life in your care. When you step back and look at the big picture and think about what this child would have certainly become under the other options, and what chance she now has with you, I think it becomes a no brainer.

I've got a little girl who's just shy of two (turns two in late August) and she's my world. I'm not sure how fast it will take for you to get attached to her, but once you do your life will have whole new meaning. (This is coming from someone who couldn't stand the thought of children or the thought of marriage, etc.. and now I wouldn't trade any of it for the world).

There are a lot of conversations about how our country has got to be so screwed up over the past few generations, and how the breakdown of the home and family plays a vital part in that. What you're doing is giving that back to someone who wouldn't have it other wise, and for that I thank you. I have a feeling this will be the hardest, most exhausting, most meaningful and most rewarding thing you could have ever done.

Good luck, you're gonna need it!

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[MAUSER202]

IMHO you don't do good deeds to get a reward, you do them because that is what decent people do. You have an opportunity to give this little girl what she needs to be successful in life. Nothing is guaranteed, you could have tons of issues bcause of this decision, but it could also be the greatest thing you do in life. This world needs more selfless people like you and your girlfriend. Go bless you both.

[glock21xxx]

My two cents, from the what it's worth department...

This is what we need more of. People willing to think and act on behalf of someone other than themselves. Perhaps this chaotic world full of selfish people would incrementally turn into a better place once again. One that was here not too long ago - I'm sure anyone reading this will remember.

Good for you on Taking action without hesitation. You have an opportunity to be a fresh start in this child's life, I admire and respect what you're doing.

[HeruMew]

All true, but a person has to live with what they do and don't do. Sometimes you know when it's time to step up and you know when it's time to bow out. Do either one incorrectly and you can earn a lifetime of regret. Do them correctly and you can sleep the peaceful sleep of those who did the right thing at the right time.

Nothing is easy, life is messy, but sometimes you can do what you view as the right thing, for no better reason than you recognize it as the right thing and if you get lucky you won't suffer more than you benefit.

Could not agree more.

First and foremost, extreme kudos to you.

When my wife and I were in the first coupme years of our relationship, her sister was an absolute effup. We wound up fostering her kids while unmarried whike she rehabilitated. Recidivism is a very real thing, and it went cycles on and off for a couple years.

I never once questioned that I would be commited to raising 3 boys, helluva lot less scary then 3 girls, but I was 21-22 during this time. I'm releived it never got to that point, but I knew that if that calling happened, we would in a heartbeat.

I grew up in a broken home, mostly caused by drug problems on my mother's accord. I never want a child to go through what I did. Thats why I wouldn't have thought twice.

Eitherway, absolute respect and kudos. You're doing a very admiral thing in my eyes. Keep the parents away. Engage the courts now and have a plan in place.

[Arik]

I don't have kids but been around plenty. For everyone saying a 2 year old from that situation is damaged goods I don't see how that can happen. Maybe a 10 or 15 year old but 2 year olds are still a blank slate. Does anyone remember their twos? I don't. Wouldn't even know if I was adopted! In a few years i don't think she'll remember much of anything from that time.

Devildogljb, good luck to man! Much respect!

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[FromMyColdDeadHand]

I don't have kids but been around plenty. For everyone saying a 2 year old from that situation is damaged goods I don't see how that can happen. Maybe a 10 or 15 year old but 2 year olds are still a blank slate. Does anyone remember their twos? I don't. Wouldn't even know if I was adopted! In a few years i don't think she'll remember much of anything from that time.

Devildogljb, good luck to man! Much respect!

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I'm glad you have such a hard time imagining the issues that this girl may have faced. The chemically Induced ones are bad enough. That she has a warped understanding about how the real world works is probably very true. I agree that swift action now towards normality now should counter a lot of bad or missing parenting up until now.

The movie 'The Guardian' was cheesy, but Kostner has a good line towards the end. "I swim as hard as I can, for as long as I can, and the sea decides the rest..". Do what you can.

[Arik]

I'm glad you have such a hard time imagining the issues that this girl may have faced. The chemically Induced ones are bad enough. That she has a warped understanding about how the real world works is probably very true. I agree that swift action now towards normality now should counter a lot of bad or missing parenting up until now.

.

How can a TWO year old.....a toddler... have any understanding about the world. They still barely speak. It's not the same as a teenager

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[JoshNC]

This is a good thing. This little girl is your flesh and blood. Your brother and likely her mother are F ups. But your niece doesn't need to be. You have an amazing opportunity to raise her up to be a productive well adjusted person. I think this is a huge blessing.

[Lefty223]

But I have to admire you for your open heart and your willingness to put aside selfish concern for your own life and reach out to a poor two-year old to try to give her a better life.

^^^ THIS! ^^^

My fiance went through this 5-years ago with children of a nephew of her's. We took in 8-year old and 13-year old girls after the sudden death of their maternal Grandmother. Their biological Mother passed away during delivery of the younger daughter. The biological 'sperm donor' of the oldest is unfit as a member of the human race, never mind as a father or man. No one knows who the father of the youngest is.

We didn't pursue foster care per se, but guardianship, leading to eventual adoption. In our case, we wanted them to be with family and not thrown into the foster care world, where they do not have to be kept or placed together. When you think about, the ONLY person of family that the youngest has in her life is her older sister. Our situation involved 2 States, the sending State who really screwed the pooch (didn't process the correct legal paperwork, malfeasance abound - everywhere, and were grossly negligent, to the point of placing the girls in a temporary situation (before we got court/appointed custody from our State), to where the girls were sadly abused and neglected. Someone or two from the child care servces from that sending State should be in jail! I never went into this looking for a recognition for stepping up and taking them in (only ones in the greater family to do so ...) but equally ... I never expected to get kicked in the nuts either. That negligent State probably cost me many, many $1,000+s in wasted legal actions due to their negligence. It is not the $$ that concerns me ... just rather wish that I could have spent it for my girls' benefit instead.

We got that all worked out and in the intervening years they both have grown and matured and seem to have recovered from their unfortunate past. At the advanced age of my fiance and I (then late 40s) the LAST thing on our radar was for us to be 'parents', as my lady had already help raise the 3 kids of her older sister who passed away from cancer at a too early age. So my fiance had "been there ... done that."

Biggest message we send and intone to the girls are that they are now safe, secure, well cared for and LOVED. Some nights my fiance and I would fall asleep next to each other and wonder "What the heck happened to our lives?" And then there are days, like me working on our boat with the the 12-year old (youngest is growing up ... fast!) and she was my tool helper. She has become quite mechanically minded and not only knows a regular from a Phillips screwdriver, she knows the acronym of 'righty tighty - lefty loosey', plus the difference between a pop rivet and a solid rivet. This past Spring I 'gave' her a 12' aluminum boat and told her 'it's your's'. She sanded and painted it (w/ help of course) and even used the lneumatic rivet tool to fix a few leaky rivets.

Point is ... as well as experiencing 'hard' days ... you will equally experience love in your heart that would otherwise NEVER likely feel.

We make sure the girls got the proper counseling, for their adjustment to their new life, as well as to erase the past. We know it can't be erased, but we have found out that by talking about the 'hard topics', it gets it out on the table, where it can be discussed, dissected, or be angry or cry about - but to more so "acknowledge it and come to terms with it", so it doesn't ruin their future.

Of the 2 of them, it has been hardest on the oldest, as she already has a 'Father', even though I understate it when saying he's unfit as a human. She knows however, that that is just 'who he is' and that it is NOT her doing or her fault. I continually remind her that it is his loss, although she too has suffered due to his inactions, absence and other ... you get the gist; similar somewhat to the Father of the child you're taking in.

On a good note, both of our girls are doing well in school, all As & Bs, and we are very ACTIVE in their education, schooling and social lives. Family is key, as is socialization. The oldest is off to college this Fall ... so I like to think that as a family ... we all did well and their lifes are proceeding on as a good a path as possible.

To your concern of firearms, I'm in a liberal State and passed the caregiver/gusrdianship assessment with an A+ rating. Over time we also got both the girls into my fish & game club and while both started with archery, both have an incredible knack or talent for shooting (especially the oldest, a pure natural) and the youngest will join a formal junior's shooting team this Fall. So don't let your passion for your 'toys' dissuade you ...

Did I look at it like my life turned upside-down? Nope ... it just took off in another direction. There is a sailing analogy I think about often ... "We can't change the wind, but we can surely adjust our sails." Keep this in mind ... and if I may opine, YOU are changing the world, even if the world of one little girl. I commend you for it, I thank you for it, and reach out to me as needed.

Thank you and good luck! My best, cheers!