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Thread: Parents in old Age

  1. #1
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    Parents in old Age

    Back story,

    My stepmom passed this summer. Old school couple she paid all the bills etc.
    My 84 year old Father is clueless on bills.
    He's basically Archie Bunker & Don Rickles or so he thinks. He's basically freaking rude and mean to everyone. He's an Ass

    Tried to get him to go to the bank and make sure everything was set up on auto pay. After the funeral so he had no worries.
    He wouldn't hear of it.
    Found her life insurance helped him fill it out. Would have paid all his bills and left him with some extra.
    He call me several months later saying he doesn't know where his money is going. Me 'what happen to the life insurance" Him" None of your freak business!' Me thinking why are you calling me?
    Debt collectors have come knocking.
    Found out he's paying $200 a month to store Christmas decorations he hasn't put up in years.
    He's got a expensive RV he can't drive & still owes on, & paying storage. He won't sell it because he'll lose money on it.. It's slowly dryrotting

    He's partially wheel chair, handicapped. He's retired Air Force 20 plus years & same in the Navy as a Civilian highest GS? you can retire as so he's got a good pension and the VA. Pays for everything i think.

    He wasn't answering his phone thanksgiving, & no one heard from him. I was about to Call the Stockton PD to do a welfare check ( I live in Jackson wyoming). When his VA supplied Care giver called( Not a live in ). He's pissing in bed sleeping in it, not wearing his depends and crapping around the house.. when walking(handicapped rails all around house) around naked and watching porn.
    The VA supplied Care Giver Business & the VA rep. try to check but He refused to let them in. He refused to let a Replacement Care giver in.

    He's convinced himself he's marrying his current one, she's ready to quit as he's telling everyone same thing.

    Me and my little sister are at a loss on what to do.(Older sister could care less, refer old thread "stupid family drama")

    He refuses to relinquish any type of Control wether it be financial, or whatever. But can't pay his bills the remainder of his brothers don't talk to him.

    I told the current care giver that if she quit I would't hold it against her.
    She Stated he should be in a Some Form of Facility, I doubt if he'd go to one( as he stated he's going to die in his house)


    I'm open for advice, who to contact? The VA? would they actually talk to me? Some Dept with the State of Ca.?

  2. #2
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    Contact an attorney in CA and begin the process of becoming his legal guardian/durable power of attorney due to his inability to take care of himself or his own affairs.

    My dad has had to do this with my grandma, most states have a mechanism in the law to facilitate it. It sounds like his medical care providers are all ready to back you up on it, and that is the only real major hurdle in many states.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
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    Coal is spot on. Start the wheels turning on becoming his guardian and getting power of attorney.

    I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Don't hesitate to post again if you need to vent.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coal Dragger View Post
    Contact an attorney in CA and begin the process of becoming his legal guardian/durable power of attorney due to his inability to take care of himself or his own affairs.
    +1 exactly this. The scenario you describe is very common.

    You would be best off not being physically in California, or at least not in his house or any time alone with him - just to avoid the potential for false claims of elder abuse, which could be brought by him or by an opportunistic third party, and would really mess up your personal and legal situation (including ability to own guns).

  5. #5
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    Every situation is different.

    However, based on your description of his living conditions, contacting a County agency, such as Adult Protective Services; or possibly City agency for conditions in the home (Building & Safety, Fire, Code Enforcement).

    However, once a complaint is filed with these agencies there is no unringing the bell. They will typically through to the furthest extent the law allows.

    My first call would be to the VA local in the area to see if there were any counselors or some type of advocate whom could intervene. Sometimes veterans groups such as the VFW may have volunteer groups willing to get involved.

    Otherwise, determine what County he resides in and contact their Social Services: Adult Protective Services.

    My friend went through something similar with his Mother. It's just a bad situation to have to deal with for anyone.
    Last edited by SkiDevil; 12-07-19 at 13:34. Reason: Spelling

  6. #6
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    Here in Colorado, I advise families to contact the city or county attorney where the at risk individual lives. They can draft the necessary paperwork to help the family take protective custody of the individual. Sorry you are going through this, that sounds tough.

  7. #7
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    Get agency on aging and APS involved. Get him to the hospital for whatever reason; Urinary Infection sounds like a winner. There, he'll be assigned a case manager that will get him into the home care system, or state the process to judge him incompetent to care for himself d/t safety and health risk. He is entitled to his freedom up and until his living conditions become a public health hazard, or he becomes dangerous to himself (ie: burning the house down trying to cook dinner). It sucks. I wish I had siblings as I'm going through the same thing. Peace and Strength!

  8. #8
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    As others have said..What you are going through is very common. We went through a similar scenario with my mother. I think the biggest problem is them not wanting to give up control of their lives. My brother finally got her doctor to sign the necessary paperwork to take control of her life and took her kicking and screaming to an assisted living facility. She lasted about a year before she decided to quit eating. She fell and when she was released from the hospital an ambulance took her to a full blown nursing home and hospice came in. She had a stroke and pressure on her brain rendered her unconscious. Do not resuscitate protocol kicked in and she died 6 days later. We fulfilled her wishes and distributed her ashes this thanksgiving. She was 89. Your dad doesn't sound like he has reached that point yet but it sounds like it's coming. Wanting to die in his own home is the first sign. We had 2 clear choices with mom.. Leaving her at home lying in a bed full of shit waiting for a neighbor to call the authorities about the buzzards circling the house or piss her off forcing her into the home. We felt less guilty pissing her off and making her comfortable whether she liked it or not.

  9. #9
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    A potential subtitle for this thread might be..."me in 30 years".

    Hardest thing in the world to do is get one's parent's to give up their independence. It's not going to be any easier for us to do the same when we get there.



    ,
    Last edited by Hmac; 12-07-19 at 17:29.

  10. #10
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    I keep begging my Mom to move to Texas.
    Ain't gonna happen.

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