I've got a rebel teenage son...advice??

[C2Q]

Were you a rebel when you were a kid? Parent of one? Any advice?

My boys are 14 and 17. The oldest is like me (perfectionist), but the youngest is a rebel and will literally stop doing something he knows he has to do if I tell him to do it saying, "Well, I was going to do it, but now that you said it..."

He prefers to be on his own all the time and do the exact opposite of what the family wants/expects.

Could use some guidance.

[Adrenaline_6]

Kinda hard not knowing the details, but 14 and flat out disobeying like that smells of a little monster that has been fed what he wants and now has grown into a bigger one.

I can't say what what will work, but my Dad, uncles, or Grandpa for that matter would have wore my ass out if they saw that happening in front of them. Then the amount of required chores and total lockdown of freedoms would commence. If you take away what he likes and show no mercy until the attitude changes, it usually does. The problem now days is the monster has gotten so used to getting away with what they have been doing, it gets harder before it gets easier. Most parents can't commit to the punishment and eventually give in, just creating a bigger monster. Not to mention that monster has gotten very good at manipulating said parents and what buttons to push to get it done.

[gaijin]

Have consequences for his decisions, and follow through with them; good or bad.

That's how the real world works- or at least use to work.

[Jsp10477]

Kinda hard not knowing the details, but 14 and flat out disobeying like that smells of a little monster that has been fed what he wants and now has grown into a bigger one.

I can't say what what will work, but my Dad, uncles, or Grandpa for that matter would have wore my ass out if they saw that happening in front of them. Then the amount of required chores and total lockdown of freedoms would commence. If you take away what he likes and show no mercy until the attitude changes, it usually does. The problem now days is the monster has gotten so used to getting away with what they have been doing, it gets harder before it gets easier. Most parents can't commit to the punishment and eventually give in, just creating a bigger monster. Not to mention that monster has gotten very good at manipulating said parents and what buttons to push to get it done.

Quoted for truth. Old school discipline still works.

[The_War_Wagon]

My daughter doesn't wanna go, but I'm thinking of slipping the recruiter an extra C-note, to conk her on the head, & stick her on the bus to Parris Island anyways...

[WillBrink]

Were you a rebel when you were a kid? Parent of one? Any advice?

My boys are 14 and 17. The oldest is like me (perfectionist), but the youngest is a rebel and will literally stop doing something he knows he has to do if I tell him to do it saying, "Well, I was going to do it, but now that you said it..."

He prefers to be on his own all the time and do the exact opposite of what the family wants/expects.

Could use some guidance.

I don't have kids so will not offer advice. I can say was a real PITA rebel as a kid, and for the most part, things turned out OK. "This too shall pass" as they say.

[C2Q]

Have consequences for his decisions, and follow through with them; good or bad.

That's how the real world works- or at least use to work.

The thing is I do that (always follow through with discipline) and he takes it without flipping out. He accepts the consequences but his overall nature is independent and rebellious. If I word things so it seems like it is his choice (timing, activity), it gets done.

The best approach I have used with him is "B doesn't happen until A is done." No video games until schoolwork is done. No tv until room is cleaned, etc.

I will totally admit: he loves me but he does not have a healthy fear of me. (He would never say the things he says to me in front of his dad.) And I don't give in but I do get tired of it all...

[C2Q]

I don't have kids so will not offer advice. I can say was a real PITA rebel as a kid, and for the most part, things turned out OK. "This too shall pass" as they say.

Thanks, Will. I was definitely looking for some previous rebels to get their .02.

[RHINOWSO]

Just keep doing what you are doing. They will try to wear you out but outlast him.

And switch it up if he's too mouthy. I know my wife gets more lip from some of the kids than I do, but that's not really a problem that I can fix (although I do if I am in earshot).

My son was similar around 14-15 years - while still very good at school, he'd gotten a bit rebellious and mouthy. All the standard things weren't working very well and he had an incident of being a real shithead. You know what broke him? Manual labor. We have a large yard and he was directed to pick up all the fallen pine cones. He came in after 20 min, having cleaned up ahout 1/10th of it, thinking he was 'done'.. I said "No, I meant THE ENTIRE YARD - you can come inside for water or to use the bathroom - let me know when you are ready for me to check your progress again". About 2-3 hours into it, he was about 1/2-3/4 done, was not complaining, so I called him to the house and let him get help from his younger siblings as a 'leadership challenge'. The finished up in about an hour.

My final chat with him was "If you want to be difficult, there is a limitless supply of things to do around here. And if somehow there isn't anything to do, I will have you dig a hole for 2 hours and then fill it back it. And if you are a real PITA, you'll be shown the door at 18 years old with no help. The world needs ditch-diggers....".

Pretty much never had that problem again, ever.

[mrbieler]

It can be tough with the 2nd/younger child. They get to observe and learn at a different pace so a lot of what you established with boy #1 is out the window with boy #2.

Our boy is smarter than I am and stubborn. He does thing his way on his terms. He wouldn't let me help him ride a bike, but in preschool he taught himself to ride a bike and then had his teacher call us to school so he could show us what he learned. He lives in a very black and white world at times. It's cost him some, but it's also helped him earn other things.

In his middle / early high school days, he started to get a little mouthy with mom and said some things he would never dare tell me. We had a long walk and I explained that while she was his mom, she was my wife and if I ever heard him talk to my wife again that way, the road was going to get really rough really fast. Parenting is a tag team sport.

In the end, we know he loves us both but he's a handful and I pity the college professors and coaches that have him now. He'll work them hard.

Looking forward to seeing what sort of man we raised in the coming years.