You have to eat big to grow. You will likely gain some body fat even if you are trying to "eat clean". You may also need to give up any desire to have "abs" if you priority is size and strength. I am not saying it cannot be done without sacrificing size and strength, but I'll take strength any day over visible beach quality abs.

It's all a trade off. A couple of years ago I got up to 180+. At 5ft 4in, I was pretty chubby, but decently strong (for a little fella....nothing too crazy for many people). Now I am down to 165, and while I may have a lost a little strength, I feel a lot better. However, I am not sure that I would be as strong as I am now, at my current weight, without getting a little bigger first.

It's like anything, trial and error, and the more you do it, the better you get at it.

As I get closer to 40, I am happy with my current lifts, but there is sill part of me that always wants more.