A little Humor

**montanadave** · 05-03-11, 19:02

My wife emailed me this newspaper column about a woman who wrecked her car while shaving her privates. Talk about your multi-tasking!

http://poststar.com/lifestyles/colum...cc4c03286.html

**The_War_Wagon** · 05-04-11, 12:34

Ding dong... Landshark - I mean, Navy Seals!

**chadbag** · 05-16-11, 11:54

LARRY THE CABLE GUY

Direct Quote from 'Larry, the cable guy'

"I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius"

**LMTRocks** · 05-21-11, 23:43

**montanadave** · 06-20-11, 09:58

Two theologians are discussing the relative differences between Heaven and Hell. One proposes a theory in which Heaven and Hell are like the countries of Europe.

"In Heaven, the Germans are the mechanics, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers, the Swiss are the bureaucrats, and the British are the police."

His colleague asks how he would describe Hell.

"In Hell the Italians are the mechanics, the British are the cooks, the Swiss are the lovers, the French are the bureaucrats and the Germans are the police."

**parishioner** · 06-20-11, 10:08

NSFW

Samuel L. Jackson narrates a bedtime story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BSy2...eature=related

**Jellybean** · 06-20-11, 14:50

Aw, what the heck:

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket.
****************************************************

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.
The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden....I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope".
The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified! .
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out those unforgettable words............
"My fair maiden....I have come to kiss your snatch!.. and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of sh*t, horse sh*t, cow sh*t, bull sh*t....I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling.
****************************************************

Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"
****************************************************

A guy speeding over a bridge, late for work, gets stopped by a cop standing on the bridge operating radar.
After being stopped the cop asks the man what his profession is and he replied "A professional asshole stretcher."
The cop, being curious, asks "Exactly what does a professional asshole stretcher do?"
The driver explains that he starts with a small asshole and continues to stretch it until its six feet tall.
The cop asks the driver "What do you do with a six foot asshole."
The driver responds "Apparently give him a radar and stand him on a bridge."
(sorry guys.

)

**parishioner** · 06-20-11, 16:07

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ..... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying Up Yours!!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

**Artos** · 06-21-11, 11:31

...sorry if posted but this one got mu funny bone good. Maybe because of where I live.

Did you know that the Navy Seals who disposed of Osama Bin Laden's body were Hispanic and they prayed to Allah four times before throwing the body to sea?

Allah Una
Allah Dos
Allah Tres
y Allah Chingada!