A little Humor

[lethal dose]

haha. good stuff. thanks for the laugh.

[chadbag]

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SCRIPTURE

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' "Repent and be Baptized, in the name of
Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven."

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar.. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!

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[chadbag]

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TAX RETURN

My Tax Return Was Sent Back AGAIN because of my response to the question: "List all dependents" I replied:

12 million illegal immigrants,
3 million crack heads,
42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
2 million criminals in over 243 prisons,
Half of Mexico, and
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.

Apparently this was not an acceptable answer.

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[Quiet-Matt]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHsX7...eature=related


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[Ghost__1]

Long read but worth it. Sent to me from a LEO buddy of mine.
Enjoy

Subject: My New Electric Fence If you don't laugh hysterically at this...CHECK YOUR PULSE.... This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard,and a few months ago,I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me,I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually,I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had,made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod,and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key,with the more you have in the ground,the better the fence works.. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it,to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over,I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap,pee,and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences......but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it,until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think,as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop,pee,and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo,it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there,like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July,104 degrees,80% humidity,standing in my own backyard,begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing,and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left,just the right). 3- Poop, pee,and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4-My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).. That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more,and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news,is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him,and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[6933]

[QUOTE=Ghost__1;1250282] 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.[/QU

That's ****in' hilarious!

Only someone that has passed through Fayettenam would use the phrase. Gets a funny look when you say it to someone that doesn't know what you're talking about. Better than it used to be, though.

[Ghost__1]

[QUOTE=6933;1250467]

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.[/QU

That's ****in' hilarious!

Only someone that has passed through Fayettenam would use the phrase. Gets a funny look when you say it to someone that doesn't know what you're talking about. Better than it used to be, though.

I mean it in all due respect to Vietnam vets but it had its moments. I was at a bar named Izzy's bout a year ago smoking on the patio when I heard pop pop pop from the parking lot and tires squealing. Two people shot one in the head one in the chest. Us 82nd bastards were in our calling that night. The guy who got hit in the head's buddies threw him i'm a car and headed towards the hospital before anyone even dialed 911. We saved the other guys life. Shortly after the six of us all Americans got in a barfight with some dudes talking trash four spaces over. The cops just walked by us shaking their heads because they knew what we did. I remember getting home and just wondering Wtf? Had a good laugh about it. Brass put that bar on the slip away list after that but we still went.

[Icculus]

Ultimate SHTF weapon? I think it just might be. Old school com-bloc toughness meets cheesy goodness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NJB...feature=relmfu

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avXSumW773Q

[Kfgk14]

52 Reasons Florida is Still the Craziest State


http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/52-ex...the-craziest-s



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Holy shit...I think Florida reporters may just be better at making that shit up...

Not mine, sorry if I'm stealing this from someone on here:
"My favorite was when we were looking for a pistol for my wife, a counter jockey pulled out a .32ACP and said something like "the .32 has a 1-stop shot percentage of 63%. All you gotta do is shoot the bad guy twice."
Well, that is just dumb. Any fool knows that you can't stop someone 126%. You can only 100% stop them. Now, if the guy behind the counter had said that you need to shoot the bad guy 1.59 times, he would have been correct.
I'm not even sure you could stick a .32 up somebody's nose and stop him 63% of the time with that round.

I think what he meant to say was that he .32 is so powerful, if you shoot the bad guy twice, the first round will stop him and the second round will stop roughly a quarter of his partner in crime. The FBI has done quite a lot of study on gun fighting algebra."

[chadbag]

3 Little Pigs - http://biggeekdad.com/2011/11/the-three-little-pigs/


Worth the watch.


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