A little Humor

[DragonDoc]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit! "Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

[Big A]

[Big A]

[DragonDoc]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[DragonDoc]

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Three?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "Well it....no, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

[interfan]

A guy that works in one of my company's offices is a former UK policeman, and this is circulating there:

British humor - One liners (Warning: NSFW and not PC):

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-Dam.

Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all ghetto dwelling people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it back inside.

During last night's high winds an immigrant family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

Muslims in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with Muslims in mind, so “Cops" is being shown 5 times a week now.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[Linea_de_Fuego]

Husband's Text Message to Wife:

Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a distinct possibility. Love you...


Wife's Response:

Who is Paula?

[Ryno12]

[MistWolf]

Whenever someone rides to work with me, my hands get all tingly and go numb right when the road goes underground. Every time without fail. Since it makes it difficult to keep the car under control and scares my co-workers to death, I finally went to the doctor to find out what's going on.

After describing my symptoms, the doctor said, "Of course we'll have to run a few tests to verify it, but I'm almost certain you have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome"

[JulyAZ]